Truth and Family: Just Ask

I have been marveling about the topic of seeking the truth about our families, and how easy it can actually be to get more truth. Sometimes, it seems, we can just ask.

Over the years, especially the last few years, I am blown away at how much clarity I’ve gained by just talking to members of my family and people outside the family who have had relationships with my family members, and asking them questions.

It feels like, all it’s taken was some direct questions and some open people, and I now have heaps and heaps more truth and information then I’d have had if I hadn’t just asked. How can you receive something so gargantuan by such a simple and quick action as a few questions? It feels like a Beauty and the Beast-level library of information that had always been available and all it took was a push of the door. It was never even locked.

If I never asked, I wouldn’t have received clarity and answers that have been life-changing for me. The truth has helped me heal depression, suicidal ideation, helped me grieve, helped me reduce certain addictions. I don’t mean to say I’m a good example of healing or seeking truth, but my goodness… where would I be in my life if I didn’t know what I know now about my family? Where would I be if I never asked?

And yet how often in our families do we just skip asking the honest questions? We can go years, decades, or an entire lifetime never just asking the questions because we are so afraid of the answers, and how those answers might cause us to change our lives. We’d rather justify our lack of seeking by saying,

“It’s not really my business.”

“It’s inappropriate to ask that.”

“It will just cause them pain if I dredge that up.”

“I already know they wouldn’t want to talk about that.” (when that’s more of an assumption and we haven’t actually really gone there)

And of course, we have to respect free will. Nobody has to share if they don’t want to, and nobody has to talk about issues if they don’t want to. But I feel that we often use that as an excuse to not inquire, when really the issue is we don’t want to know the truth. And so we don’t even ask, not even once, to try.

I have found it surprising how some people are willing to share if approached and asked in a gentle, non-pressuring way. Even people who I thought might be offended or think it was too personal of a question for me to ask, have often shared a lot.

How often do we ask,

What actually happened between you and Dad that time?

How did my brother treat you when you two were in a relationship?

Why was it that you weren’t close to Grandma? What happened there?

I got the sense you were treated badly by her. Is that the case?

Why did you divorce, really?

There’s a rumor that he abused you. Is that true? Would you be up for sharing about that with me?

Why did that fallout happen with your friendship?

What did she say on that phone call that changed so much?

I can just feel there are so many dark secrets in our family. Do you have any insights on that?

I heard about this event that nobody seems to want to talk about. Do you know anything about it?

I feel like at times you were sexually attracted to our daughter. Is that true?

Do you really want to still be married to Dad? Do you wish you married that other person?

There are so many questions we could ask in our families, and to those outside the family who have interacted with our families, that we just don’t. There are these unspoken agreements about what is “appropriate”, and the belief that seeking the truth harms people; that it’s better to not “air dirty laundry”, “dig up the past”, etc.

But keeping secrets in families only create a breeding ground for more harm towards more people, and pretty much guarantees that cycles will continue on to the next generation.

I do get why we are scared to ask the questions. Considering the widespread issue of facade in families, the likelihood is that what we will discover if we ask the questions is darker than we even thought it was. In my case, what I discovered about my family was far, far darker and more horrific than I thought I would find, even in my worst-case scenarios.

Also, when we ask the questions of people who want to maintain a facade or want to continue to be unloving, they will often get very angry at us. In my family I’ve been accused of being abusive, loving drama, causing pain, attacking and disrupting the peace. But I’ve only ever been accused of that by those who don’t want to the truth, whereas the feedback from people who do, has been the opposite.

Also, we’re scared because what if what we find out causes the relationships to fall apart? What if we have to move? What if we become estranged? In my experience, that’s what has happened. I have no contact with most of my family members and my life has totally and completely changed.

But for the family members who have been harmed by the bullies in the family, and for those outside the family harmed by them, the truth can ultimately be a huge relief, validation, and healing experience. It helps unlock grief, it reduces self-hatred, eliminates confusion, and it frees people. It also may reduce the likelihood of further abuse to others, because more people know about the danger of those who are harmful and how they are harmful.

I personally feel like anyone who struggles with addictions, depression, lack of direction, physical issues or feeling stuck in any way, would benefit from doing this. When I look back at all the crap I’ve been through, all the evil stuff uncovered in my family, and the loss of nearly everyone, I never feel like I wish I had never gone down that path. I still have a lot of emotion to process about it and a lot of loneliness and anger and grief to work through, but it feels like seeking answers and asking questions and getting answers, is a large part in why I no longer have suicidal feelings, severe depression or eating disorders. My life feels so much better than when I was keeping the peace and didn’t know any of the dark shit going on and that had gone on in the family.

Usually, family members don’t want to change, and they’re certainly allowed not to. But it seems to me that if anything might inspire a desire to change, it’s going to be the truth. So in the long-term, even for those who don’t want to talk about it and don’t want to change on any issues, the truth is still giving them the best chance.

Thanks to Jesus and Mary and the Divine Truth material for being the inspiration for trying this approach. Without their teachings about how God sees truth and how God sees family, I likely would still be in the belief systems that it’s better to not rock the boat, and more loving to not ask questions.

Here are some Divine Truth videos I recommend checking out:

20100208 The Human Soul – Emotions, Truth & Families P1

20100208 The Human Soul – Emotions, Truth & Families P2

Divine Truth videos about parents and children

I also recommend reading Mary and Eloisa’s letters to their families that they’ve shared; they’ve helped me so much:

Blog from Mary: “Response To Personal Family Attacks”

Blog from Eloisa: “Responses to Parent Attack”

“The urge to find the real facts is destructive only to people or systems (friendships, family dynamics, political dynasties) that are based on lies.


The truth can scare you half to death, but it’s never as destructive as deception.”


-Martha Beck