Sexual Orientation Confusion & New Youtube Channel

Hi there,

I’m excited (and a bit self-conscious, I’ll be honest!) to announce I’ve made my first me-only video relating to Divine Truth, sharing more in detail my experience with being confused about my sexual identity and my soulmate makeup. I talk about how that happened, the insanely helpful feedback Jesus and Mary have gifted me which has helped me unravel it so far–I still have more to go–and DT video recommendations to learn more about the subjects of sexual projection, error-based versus pure attraction, and soulmates.

I plan to upload videos on many different topics in the future which will relate with my experiences with Divine Truth or just things I’m inspired by from Jesus and Mary’s teachings, even if I don’t have much experience with them yet! You can subscribe to the youtube channel by being signed into a gmail account and clicking the red “subscribe” button. I’ll announce new videos here, too.

If you want to get in touch to ask questions or clarifications about my experiences I describe in the video, feel free to email your questions to me at godloveandtruth@gmail.com.

Love,

Courtney

Emotional Overwhelm, Soul Hydration

In my previous blog post, I shared about my recent struggles to allow the next emotions I need to work through and to not fall into addictions to control them, and about my lack of faith and also my fear. I was feeling progressively worse over the course of those few weeks, and finally, the day after I posted my last blog, the kettle boiled over.

I woke up that day, felt emotionally the worst I had up until that point, made myself do some “productive” things anyway (not very self-loving), and then realized it just wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t make myself do anything that day even if I wanted to. So I finally though, Right. I’m not going to try to be productive in any way. I’m just going to stay in these emotions even if its for the whole day. This is what I should have done long before now; but I’m going to do it now. So I was back in bed by 11:00 a.m. and decided to give into how awful I felt. And as soon as I did, all the emotion I’d been avoiding came crashing through like a torrent river through a dam, and I cried for probably about 4-5 hours. The next day I felt a little better than the day before, but still bad. I stayed in bed for a good part of the day again, and I cried for about another 3 hours.

I’ve had many times over the years before where I’ve cried for 2 or 3 or 4+ hours. Not super often, but it has happened, and I’ve had the experience before of letting myself fall into the darkness of a feeling and then experiencing the error lift and receiving more faith and feeling God more after, and so I was willing to try it again. But what’s interesting is how even though I’ve had those experiences before, with the next layer of emotions that I’m scared to experience, I still sometimes get worried it won’t actually work out this time. This time, at first I felt like, This is it. This might be what does me in. I’m going to be in bed crying like this for the next 4 months. These feelings are so awful I feel like I’m never going to be happy again. What if I can’t do this, God? What if I can’t make it through these emotions?

But because of those previous experiences, and partly because I’d allowed the pain to build up quite a lot (not good), I did let go and started to feel. When I’m really emotional, my prayers to God are an emotional conversation rather than one that I’m really thinking, but the prayers were sort of like,

God, this feels so awful. I know You can’t save me from these feelings and I don’t want You to. I just want to feel You while I’m feeling it all. Please help me get to the core emotions; I don’t want to waste time in effect emotions. I want to release my grasp on my resistances and just surrender to the full emotional overwhelm. Please help me be sincere, please help me feel Your truth about this. Please let me feel Your love and all the other feelings You feel about me. Please show me how to love myself more because I don’t know how to. I can’t do this without You.

Many times, within a few seconds flat, a heat wave would swell up in my body, like my body was burning up and I’d get super sweaty, something I’ve experienced before when in emotional overwhelm, but I’m still always amazed when it happens again. The room was at its normal temperature and I had barely moved my body, and yet when I’m in a core emotion I absolutely burn up. It always blows me away that much heat is generated by my own body, and how fast I go from feeling totally normal and then within a few seconds I feel so hot. Also, there are typically lots of sensations that happen in my body when I allow myself to be overwhelmed emotionally–changes in my heartbeat, pressure in certain areas of my body, release in other areas, tingling, etc. I remember when I first started experimenting with allowing really painful emotions and feeling them in my body, I was afraid they would physically shut my body down–stop my heart, collapse my lungs, I didn’t really know, I just felt like my body wasn’t going to be able to weather them. Now, I have pretty much no fear related to how it feels in my body; now the fears tend to be more about how bad it will feel emotionally and whether the emotional pain will ever end.

In the process of feeling it, I got this image of streams of sparkling, life-giving water running through the cracks of a desperate, parched desert floor, like some warmth in my heart. By the end of the tears on the second day, I felt tender and tired, but also soft, and had more peace in my heart, more faith in God, and a new sense of being close to myself. I went to bed super early on the second night and slept like a log. The next morning, I woke up feeling fantastic. And since then, things have felt quite good and I feel more faith and trust. It was just another great experience to build my faith about how powerful and simple the process really is: feel all our emotions in their full intensity, pray to God. Keep feeling, keep praying. Keep feeling, keep praying.

“God, walk with me while I uncover those worthless, hurting parts of myself. Help me towards humility rather than façade and defence.

Let my grieving open me to the truth about myself and to the love that already surrounds me. Let me strive to embrace the suffering of the past so that I may open my heart to a hopeful future, full of freedom.

-Mary Magdalene

One of the reminders for me in the whole experience was how we have to create time and space to feel emotions. While it’s imperative we allow emotions at all times, anywhere and everywhere, it’s not going to be enough to only allow a few tears when we’re driving home from work. It’s not going to be enough to only allow ourselves to cry for 15 minutes and then pull ourselves out of it. Not that a few tears or 15 minutes is bad; I also have far more of those episodes than I do the long ones, and it’s naturally what will also happen when we’re allowing all our emotions. But looking back, any big core emotions I’ve ever worked through have required long periods of time dedicated to accessing them, and when I’ve finally gotten to them, they do take a lot of crying and feeling a lot of pain to get out.

These deep, old, festering wounds in our souls are not cleared with just a few tears. We have to have the self-love to make the space and time for ourselves to feel a lot more. I still have some emotions from my family and the world that cause me to forget that the most productive thing I can do with my day is to grow my relationship with God and feel my emotions. My two days of laying in bed and crying and doing little else were likely closer to God’s definition of productivity and a good use of time than avoiding that in favor of working and cleaning and whatever else I think is a more valid use of my time.

I’m starting to be a bit more ok with how I never have any clue before I start or during how long the emotional overwhelm is going to last, or how bad the feelings are going to get. We don’t know at the start of it if we might be crying for one hour or one week. We don’t know what will happen during or what will happen after. And that’s all part of the faith that we build each time we’re willing to go into emotional overwhelm and carry it through till it’s over. We may be afraid we’ll go crazy or lose control, afraid it will overtake us, afraid we won’t survive it. But we have to feel all of it anyway. We don’t get rid of those fears before we feel the emotions, those fears fall away when we feel it all and we see that we haven’t died or gone crazy, and afterwards, instead we feel so much better. We want a guarantee it’s going to be ok before we just do it, and that’s not how it’s going to go. From my experiences, I feel God isn’t going to take away the fears about emotional overwhelm in a way that helps us avoid them, but rather when sincerely feel our emotions even though we’re afraid, and also feel the fear itself, then God can share truth and love with us, which does shine light on our fears and they do fall away.

I can look back and see that when things have notably shifted in my life, it was when I went through total emotional overwhelm and felt some really big stuff. And far more so, when I allowed God to be with me and be part of the process. I know there will be many points in my future development where I again have to stretch to the next level of emotional overwhelm and face my fear and lack of faith in that next level of things, and I’ll have times that I put it off, avoid it, and am again tempted to revert to addictions and controlling the process. But I can feel that the more experiences we accumulate where we’ve allowed total emotional overwhelm to overtake us, involved God in the process and come through the other side seeing that yes, this is how our souls heal and it does work and we can do it, the more faith we’ll have in God’s design of our soul, and in God Herself.

Love,

Courtney

On Spirit Influence and Self-Worth

Hi Everyone,

I’m back about 5 weeks after creating this blog, and already some interesting things have happened in relation to it. I was so excited to set up the blog and write about my experiences with Divine Truth, and I logged in a good 5 hours of blog-forging (wink) and writing the About Me page, and I really loved doing all of it. As you’ll know if you’ve read it, I share mostly about my journey with God in that post.

An interesting thing happened for me emotionally after I finished setting up the blog and finished writing the About Me page about God. I’ve never had much of a block to writing, being it’s one of my passions, but after I wrote it, I just felt weird and suddenly not inspired to write more. I kept having these thoughts like, “This was a dumb idea. Why would I write about myself? That’s probably narcissistic. You’re not developed, so probably won’t really be of help to anyone.” And some fears along those same lines; mainly, “What if I’m just being self-important?” And so I hadn’t written any more. And what’s weird is, I have written about myself before in a different way. I’ve been working as a nutritionist since 2008 and specialize in helping people heal eating disorders and food addiction, and over on that blog, I’ve been quite open with my struggles with disordered eating and shared how I healed that. So why the block with this blog, these topics?

About a week and a half ago, I was catching up with my friend Nicky, who created the Divine Truth Forum, and shared that I’d been feeling these things. He suggested that “my” thoughts about it were likely the thoughts of dark spirits who were attempting to stop me expressing myself in order to hinder my creations and slow the spreading of Divine Truth on the planet.

This is a good place to briefly recommend some resources to watch if the topic of spirits is new to you. I recommend this FAQ playlist on what spirits are and how they (both benevolent and malevolent ones) can influence us. After the FAQ’s, check out some of the full length presentations on that topic. Lastly, Perry and Nicky did a great video on some of their recent experiences with spirit influence here.

Well, Nicky’s suggestion made sense to me, even though somehow that hadn’t occurred to me yet. I’m only now increasing my sensitivity to spirit influence, but I typically only notice it when it’s a full-on spirit attack by what feels like lots of spirits. In the instance of full-on spirit attack, it tends to feel like there’s a cloud of dense darkness around me, and I will have sensations physically of attack or of feeling extremely weighed down, sometimes very mentally foggy, and the thoughts that happen in my head become critical and mean. But in instances where it’s not such a dramatic attack but rather a spirit dropping thoughts into my head that seem more benign, I tend to assume they are all my own thoughts and I’m not quick to see what’s happening.

I’ve received some feedback on how dark spirits are able to influence me from Mary before, a bit over 2 years ago. Here are some of the excerpts from her email that I feel still apply to me now:

What is interesting is how devious spirits can be. For example, you have obviously done some work on not placing yourself in situations that are extremely unloving towards yourself (this is good) but some of the causal reasons that you allowed such treatment in the past are still within you. One of these causal reasons relates to your feeling that you deserve to be treated badly and your low self worth.

You have the feeling that you deserve to be treated badly. These emotions still within you creates a tendency in you to be drawn back to abusive situations now.

At the moment spirits are manipulating these feelings within you. They are pushing you towards blame of self, and re-engagement with abusers, rather than have you begin to work through your feelings of low self worth which will actually help you see the past and present much more clearly, and reduce spirit influence in your life.

Sometimes you can get stuck around these first two sets of emotions i.e. feelings of poor self worth and fear of attack. Its like –  if you grieve some of the bad feelings you have about yourself then you will feel better about yourself, then you will be more sensitive to poor treatment of you.

At the time the situation was a little different; then they were manipulating my worth-based emotions in order to make me feel guilt and get back in touch with abusers, and recently it’s been them manipulating my worth-based emotions to stop me writing and sharing myself and my journey on this path so far. And while I know I have more self-worth than I did 2 years ago, what’s remaining of the worth-based emotions are still allowing influence from dark spirits.

Spirits can only influence us when we choose not to heal certain emotions. And though I am currently not mediumistic and don’t have too much sensitivity to spirits, I’m starting to get a visceral awareness that my worth-based emotions are, in me, one of the very best ways, if not the best way, for spirits to influence me. It’s been a pretty reliable entry point for them and I am starting to notice how they’ll use it in almost any area of my growth if they can.

This is not to say I blame these spirits or feel like a victim. They’re brothers and sisters also, and anger towards them or blame or fear of them isn’t loving them. Spirits, in the same way as people on earth, cannot have any influence whatsoever if there aren’t holes in us emotionally that they can exploit. So while it’s extremely important to be aware of their potential influence and eventually be able to discern what is their influence and what is our own thoughts and feelings, it always comes back to taking personal responsibility for the emotions inside us. I have to heal more of my feelings of low-self worth, and that’s up to me, though of course God can help me through all those emotions.

A crucial understanding I have learned is that low self-worth is not a causal emotion. It is not a core emotion wherein when we get to those feelings, we are at the end. Low worth is actually an effect emotion, a result of situations and dynamics in our childhoods that created the feeling that we had less worth than God feels we do. In other words, someone, or several someones, created the feelings of low worth in us when we were children through their treatment of us.

For myself, while I have come to terms with and worked through a lot of pain from my childhood, there clearly is more in me, evidenced to me through this most recent experience with spirits. I have had the feeling I have less worth than both women and men, so it’s a both-genders emotional injury for me that comes from my parents in my childhood. When I, with God’s help, can heal all of those emotions, self-worth will no longer be an area spirits can influence me through. Worth issues always end up being a block to God as well, and so the more of causal emotions–which are under low self-worth–that we can release, the closer relationship we can have with God.

So the journey continues, and hopefully with less spirit involvement! I’ll post another update at some point on that particular aspect of things–hopefully after I’ve made some progress with it.

Love,

Courtney