Some of you have messaged me wondering about how things are going in Australia and what I’ve been up to. Thanks for your interest in wanting to know what’s happening for me–it’s really nice. So I thought I’d write an update post now.
There were various major issues of love and truth within myself highlighted to me in my 4.5 months volunteering and being involved (between March 2018 and July 2018). I’ve been very resistant to moving on these issues, and am often still choosing to sin in the same way even after being told about the various problems, including, but not limited to, the issues I mentioned in my most recent blog about country-based injuries.
Jesus & Mary & Elo: recording in the DT studio
At the moment, the truth of where I am at right now–previously my facade would have insisted otherwise–is that I don’t really want to give and serve, want lots of selfish addictions met, and don’t have much interest in a relationship with God, and in most areas, I don’t want to do things God’s Way. You can probably see that it will be difficult to be a loving and effective volunteer for God’s Way or Divine Truth when these emotions and attitudes are still within me. And so, I will not be able to continue to volunteer until I can progress on some of these issues.
Jesus and Mary explained that the current issues which prevent me from being a good volunteer will take some time to address, and that it is important for me to take that time to properly feel about them without feeling time pressure, particularly since these issues are going to be some harder things for me to address than some of the things I’ve worked through so far since finding DT.
So, my goal now is to address the main issues that were highlighted to me which affect my being a productive, effective and loving volunteer, and afterwards to return to volunteering–and Australia–in the (hopefully near) future with more of a feeling of service, initiative, and a stronger feeling for God.
In the meantime, there are a lot of opportunities and situations where I can challenge many issues of love and truth, and feel through many emotions, such as within my business, finances, partner relationship, family interactions and more. I want to maximize the Law of Attraction opportunities that God will bring me during the next phase of my progression.
I want to write more about the feedback I received during this visit, and more about where my true condition is at, and how the whole experience was for me. However at the moment I am very much “in the thick of it”, looking at the issues, feeling about them, exploring what’s really within me emotionally, and why those issues are there. I also will need time to wrap my head around the whole experience during the months I was involved, which was a very significant experience of my life.
I want to be able to talk about the experience I’ve had with good clarity, and with more of God’s Perspective on it. I also want to share more about the injuries themselves after having some headway into facing them, and even making some progress on the causes of the issues.
Naturally, I save my most impressive fashion statements for mulch-forking.
I want to share some public thanks: I want to thank Jesus and Mary for inviting me to Australia for this experience and coordinating a lot of details about the trip, and for their generous assistance personally to me: they have spent a great deal of time with me, assisting me to see my issues, and this has been a huge gift. I also want to thank Lena for hosting me in her home for almost all of my stay, and being one of the main people who trained me, and who gifted lots of time in both job training, and in personal assistance. Thank you also to Eloisa, who also gifted a great deal of her time training me in the studio, and to both Elo and Tristan, who spent countless hours in the huge effort of running the 9-week Volunteer Selection Project I participated in and who also helped me personally with feedback. Thanks also to Catherine for hosting me at her home for several weeks as well and for her help and guidance.
I always like wrapping up my blog posts here with DT material recommendations, so I would like to recommend videos about Truth, and about developing a love for Truth. For me right now, I’m going back to the fundamentals: the fundamentals I arrogantly thought I understood already, but actually am rather clueless about. Jesus and Mary’s material about Truth is hitting me in a different way now!
I can’t believe I’ve already been back in Australia for over two weeks!
My time has been mostly involved in the Volunteer Selection Project, other tasks I’m learning and being trained in to help with, and a bit of time maintaining my own business too.
With the Volunteer Selection Project, initially I thought to do regular recaps of what we’ve been doing, but Eloisa has been posting amazing ones on the God’s Way blog already that describe the ins and outs of our activities. So, rather than replicate her already awesome blogs, I’ll link to them periodically when I do an update, and here on my blog, I’m interested in sharing what I’m personally learning about God’s Way of doing things and the necessary attitudes required to be of service to gift, and learning about myself.
So thus far, here are the God’s Way Blogs on this round of the VSP so far:
Early morning cleaning supplies set up for a day cleaning a home
That being said…
A Short “What I’ve Been Up To” Summary:
The Volunteer Selection Project runs 1-2 days per week, and I’m both a participant and also observing and learning behind-the-scenes operations in the long-term desire of mine to start a Learning Centre somewhere in the world.
I typically arrive an hour before the program begins each day that we have it to help set up, and stay a couple hours after it finishes to do a bit of clean up (though we do nearly all of that as part of the program itself) and to observe Eloisa and Tristan, the facilitators, debrief, discuss the day, backup data, update their extensive documentation of various kinds and do other kinds of reflection and computer work related to the VSP. I’m learning so much from this and am so grateful to be able to observe!
In the behind the scenes component, I’ve also had the privilege to sit in and listen to some of the backend meetings of various kinds which has been fascinating, inspiring and is giving me such a better idea of what it would be like to do this myself. So again, this opportunity is priceless and I am so grateful.
There is also homework each week in documenting everything we do (so far this has been cleaning indoor and outdoor spaces, and weeding), and we have upcoming assignments which will involve speaking presentations to the group, individual and group research projects, and more.
Additionally, I’m starting to learn and train in a few things to be able to help with projects here. I’m just at the very beginning of that but hope to begin learning “markers” and tagging for studio recordings and Assistance Groups (which you can read about on Lena’s blog here if you’re unfamiliar with what I mean by “markers”), and dealing with FAQ questions that are sent into the office, an expansion on the project I did last year logging questions (which ended up being 1000+!) that were written by participants during the 3.1 and 3.2 Assistance Groups.
Getting set up before a day of recording in the studio
And partly through the VSP and through other avenues, I’m learning how to help out with cleaning, environmental projects and other endeavors.
With any leftover time, I tend to my business as a nutritionist, catch up with Perry and continue to discuss our stuff (though trying to work through soulmate stuff from afar is pretty different!), and doing a little cross training fitness which I enjoy and makes me feel more capable and safe to do all the physical, manual work that is done here. It’s been busy!
What I’m Learning Emotionally
Emotionally, I’ve been all over the place! I feel so challenged and confronted and uncomfortable a lot of the time, but also invigorated and inspired at other times. In the course of one day I often feel like I experience 20 or 30 different emotions, and when I do feel really challenged and confronted, I feel like it’s about 20 different topics or issues. But it seems it’s best to let myself feel exactly what comes up as soon as it comes up, not delay it if possible, and not analyze things intellectually too much.
I notice that if I am not soft to the fears that are always coming up, then I go about everything with anxiety, start having insomnia, difficulty making decisions, and get rather obsessed with small worries while neglecting the big issues. I get really in my head, tense and pressure builds in me in an unhealthy way and I just get more and more rigid in my body and emotions. So I am trying to focus on my fear in a more gentle way and let myself cry about how overwhelmed I often feel. So far it’s seemed if I can just let myself feel how overwhelmed and disoriented and scared I feel–just process emotionally what’s right in front of me–then I come out of it feeling more capable, and optimistic, and my desire and excitement returns. And it seems I have to go through these cycles every few days.
There is masses to learn to be able to be of help, and I’m realizing how important it is to deal with all my blocks about learning and education, how it feels to not understand, not know, not be good at things yet. I have to remind myself to be patient, that I am not going to be perfect at everything tomorrow or next week, and to just keep trucking along, plodding and learning and processing my emotions along the way, and at some point I will get it and I’ll become more skilled.
In the V.S.P and in general, fear is predictably one of my biggest problems: fear of confrontation and attack, fear of holding to what I feel is the most loving way to do a thing even if it means others disagree, fear of making mistakes and getting things wrong, fear of being totally honest. These issues affect things daily in my life, and probably hourly and by the minute if I were to really see them for what they are. However, I am so grateful for so many opportunities to see when and how I live in and act in my fear, and most of all I am finding it is really important for me to see how it impacts others when I justify, live in and act in fear.
Honest Communication
We are learning in the VSP about what the facilitators are calling “honest communication”. From one of Eloisa’s God’s Way blog posts, she explained it like this:
Participants are encouraged to be themselves and to honestly communicate with each other. This means that when a conflict or feeling comes up in one or more of the participants they are encouraged to truthfully feel what they feel and speak up about it. Participants are encouraged to feel how they feel, say what they thing in a self-responsible manner (not blaming others for how they feel).
Just saying what I really feel is so challenging for me! It has been sad for me to realize that all my life, my communication with everyone has been the exact opposite of this. I’ve always misrepresented my feelings, hidden what I really feel and think, make out to others that I’m ok, lie if it means I can avoid a confrontation, or avoid attack and disapproval, and been happy to put on whatever opinion or face any particular person wanted me to be. And yet, as many of us in the VSP are finding, honest communication rapidly exposes emotions and is a very fast way to resolve issues.
VSP “mother of millions” plant weeding
A Comparison
At the moment, the main topics on my heart are this:
I am realizing that the people here who have and are teaching me, and who love me–Jesus, Mary, the VSP facilitators Tris and Elo, and many other friends I have here–encourage me to act the exact opposite of how my parents and family, and most people previously in my whole life, wanted me to act. This is a really emotional realization for me and I have a ton more to feel about with regards to it.
Let me be more specific in some comparisons below. When I say “here” I’m referencing the most loving of people here, not necessarily everyone in the local area or who are participants of the VSP.
♡ Here, I am encouraged to be honest about what I really feel. Being honest without blaming or pushing my emotions on another is considered very good. I am never attacked or rejected for being honest.
In my childhood, if I was honest about what I really felt, I was always rejected and punished, even if I wasn’t blaming or unloving with it. Honest communication was actively discouraged and punished.
♡ Here, I am encouraged to be myself, and am taught about how being myself and sharing myself is loving to others, and not doing so is unloving. The real me is appreciated and desired.
In my childhood, I was attacked for being myself, and taught that being myself and sharing myself was unloving to others. The real me was considered a bother and a nuisance.
♡ Here I am taught that self-depreciation is an addiction and an issue of love that needs to be resolved.
In my childhood, I was taught that self-depreciation was good and right, and that I was not doing it enough, and should do it more.
♡ Here, enthusiasm and passion are encouraged and a good volunteer would have them. They are seen as positive things.
In my childhood, my enthusiasm and passion was an indicator to others it was time to squash, discourage and oppress me. No one wanted me to feel passionate or enthusiastic.
♡ Here, I am encouraged to stand up (in a loving way) to people who are being unloving to myself or others. When I don’t say something, this is a problem.
In my childhood, saying something to those treating myself or others badly was punished and silence was praised.
♡ Here, upholding a space of love and truth is of primary importance.
In my childhood, there was absolutely no value placed on an environment of love and truth; the opposite was created.
♡ Here, everyone wants to build me up and help me have more worth, to see the real reasons why I have low worth. Nobody pulls me down.
In my childhood, my worth was torn down. Nobody wants me to see why I have low worth or heal this.
♡ Here, developing loving leadership qualities, being bold, brave, and taking initiative is encouraged.
In my childhood, any leadership, boldness, bravery or initiative I displayed was treated as bad and squashed.
♡ Here, fear is never justified. No amount of it is an excuse to be unloving, and it is an urgent issue of love to be resolved.
In my childhood, I was taught that fear is always justified. Fear was a completely valid excuse for unloving choices. Living in fear was never considered an issue of love.
… I could go on! When I say how certain things were in my upbringing (and still are the same in my family), of course I don’t mean I was actually verbally told to self depreciate etc., but essentially I am realizing, these are indeed the things I was taught, even if facades and lies were used to gloss over what was really happening.
I think a big reason I feel most of the time confused and disoriented and upside-down, is because this environment feels like the polar opposite of how I was treated in my childhood, how my family still feels towards me, and how most other people in my life previously have felt was the right way for me to be, and the polar opposite attitude towards various emotions.
I am constantly having soul double takes of how strange it feels that what’s being encouraged of me here could not be more polar opposite of what has been encouraged by others in me before, and of course which I have come to also think is right myself and continue to choose to act in myself.
Essentially, God’s Truth and God’s Way and my way and my family’s way could not be more different.
So my experiment for now is going to be to try to trust that God’s Way of doing things is better, to trust Jesus and Mary and others in what they are encouraging me in, experiment in acting in those ways even though it feels so foreign and wrong. Acting in the more loving way sometimes feels as counterintuitive and strange as it has felt driving on the other side of the road!
So I think I need to just experiment with it all, take the risks and make decisions and speak up, and let emotions come up in the process of that. Action really can yield so much emotion. It also seems if I can deal with how I was treated and what I was directly taught that created such wrong info on how to love and how to live God’s Way, that will be a good way to clear up blocks too. So anyway, that’s my current train of thought/feeling. I’ll let you know how the experiments go and where I’m on track or not in them!
Greetings from chilly London! I wanted to let you all know I’ve recorded the first videos in a bit for my God Love and Truth youtube channel, to start a series of videos about mother emotions.
This has been a big area of focus for me in the last couple years, and I’m now starting to see some of the benefits of facing truth and feeling emotions on this topic. Also, I’ve been lucky to get lots of feedback and personal truth on my issues with women stemming from my mother and on my relationship with her in my childhood and recently which I’ll share in future videos.
So this series is to share what I’ve learned and experienced in hopes it may encourage others to look at injuries and beliefs from their mothers and to check out more Divine Truth material from Jesus and Mary on it as well. For info J&M have shared on mother injuries, please click here.
Here are the first videos, if you want to get them automatically you can subscribe to the channel by clicking over to youtube as well. It seems sometimes the embedded videos don’t come through in people’s inboxes and so you can click the titles below to be taken to the videos as well.
The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
— Psalms 19:1
I’ve always loved space. Like most children, I loved laying in the grass and looking up at a clear, starry night in wonder. I have a memory of a 4 or 5 year old me doing a school project which involved poking holes in a shoebox and then shining a powerful flashlight through to create a starry sky on the ceiling in the dark, an experience that delighted me. I also believed in God, and contemplating the cosmos has always connected me to God’s power, creativity, genius and goodness. Just like mountains or the ocean, stars and planets and nebulas have been evidence to me of God.
These fascinations allowed for a natural foray into my eventual love of scifi and all things cosmic. I grew up watching reruns of the original Star Trek TV show and now, scifi movies are among my favorites. Need a buddy to watch The Martian or Interstellar? I’ll be there faster than you can say “supernova”. I never miss the opportunity to see a good scifi movie on the big screen, and I’ve spent more time googling space-themed clothing than is probably normal.
It’s hard to argue with Spock about humanity’s false concepts about God, after all.
About three years ago, I was reading an incredible book Jesus and Mary recommend called Through the Mists for the first time. I copied down practically ever other paragraph of this book into my journal, but one of the many amazing passages I wrote down relates to space, and it absolutely blew me away:
{Myhanene to Aphraar} “Paul said he at one time ascended into the third Heaven; he also once assured the Ephisians that Christ ‘hath ascended far above all Heavens’; and of God we are told that ‘the Heaven of Heavens cannot contain Him.’
We are thus scripturally warranted in using the plural number in speaking of the Heavens, just as Christ spoke of the many mansions. Now, the foundations of part of these mansions, or Heavens, are not so invisible to our friends on earth as is generally believed. I think they estimate the number of stars discernible at about one hundred millions, but of all this number with the added darker bodies remaining invisible, so far as I have learned, those that serve the purpose of preliminary existence, as earth, do not exceed the numbers of your fingers.”….
{Myhanene} “The rest are nuclei for varied grades of spiritual ascent. You have already seen how one class of soul is held bound to the earth, the influence of which attenuates until one is able to break away and seek other conditions?”
{Aphraar} “Yes.”
{Myhanene} “So from the material body of every star does there radiate an attenuated substance from which a serried ascent of spiritual conditions is built up, forming the divinely majestic staircase linking Heaven with Heaven, until the Heaven of Heavens is reached.”
My understanding of this passage is that Myhanene is saying first of all that there are no more than ten planets that sustain human life like earth, and possibly far less. So that’s a pretty cool thing to know in and of itself. Also, my interpretation is that Myhanene is saying here that the stars in space, that exist and we can see in the physical world, are actually the foundation of certain matter that the spheres of the spirit world are built from. That the stars we see from our blankets in the park are essential for the very structure of the spirit world. Talk about changing the way we look at the night sky! I had a proper nerd flip-out when I read that passage.
I recently started watching the American show Cosmos (check Netflix). It’s an educational, documentary-style science show focusing on space. The first few episodes I watched discussed how the earth and our moon were formed, how stars are born, and how the entire universe formed even before that. A few of my favorite quotes so far from host Neil DeGrasse Tyson:
“Stars die and reborn […] They get so hot that the nuclei of the atoms fuse together deep within them to make the oxygen we breathe, the carbon in our muscles, the calcium in our bones, the iron in our blood. All was cooked in the fiery hearts of long vanished stars… The cosmos is also within us. We’re made of star stuff.
The atoms of our bodies are traceable to stars that manufactured them in their cores and exploded these enriched ingredients across our galaxy, billions of years ago. For this reason, we are biologically connected to every other living thing in the world. We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust.”
Most astronomy shows, whether educational or scifi, do not discuss God at all and certainly don’t present all the science in the context of them being God’s creation. We currently live in a world where astronomy–and science in general–and God are often considered mutually exclusive. The opposite has always felt true for me: astronomy and learning things about space has always strengthened my faith in God. And with my new understanding from Jesus and Mary’s teachings, I have come to also feel that science presents evidence of God’s Love.
One particular day, I was connecting in my geeky little heart to all of this and was laying on my bed, gazing at the ceiling and thinking about the wondrous things I’d learned from this Cosmos show I’d watched, and thinking about the Through the Mists passage. There I was, lost in my cosmic contemplations about God and the formation of the universe and the earth and the sun and my heart flooded with warmth and the sentence that came into my head was, All of that was made by God, for love, with love. I thought, if we are, as Jesus says, “the greatest of Your [God’s] creations, and the most wonderful of all Your handiworks, and the object of Your great soul’s love and tenderest care”, then that must mean that all the cosmic miracles that have happened over billions of years were intended by God, planned to create a massive playground for God’s adored children. It baffles me that so much time passed in space before humans were even a part of it. All that planning, all that time, all those monumental events, and of every incredible thing in space that God has made, Her children are Her highest creations. Could it be that right from the beginning, it was all for us?
The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun. It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is deprived of its warmth.
— Psalm 19:1-6. (New International Version)
So these are some of my musings recently. Full disclosure: this blog may just have been a thinly veiled excuse for me to nerd out on space and God and post Star Trek quotes and cool pictures of starry nights! Best wishes in your galactic musings. 🙂
“It is wonderful what God can do with a broken heart, if He gets all the pieces.”
-Samuel Chadwick
My life has changed more in the last 6 months or so than it has in a very, very long time. I ended a 5.5-year relationship, figured out I’m actually straight, not gay (I know, I know–that’s whopper of a blog post in itself), moved houses and states, and realized that my biggest passion in life is to share divine truth. Additionally, since being back from London, everything has completely fallen apart with my family and now I’ve chosen not to be in communication with all but one of my six adult immediate family members, something that’s unlikely to change soon.
Every month of this year has felt emotionally totally different than the month before, and at times that’s felt amazing and exciting and at other times scary and painful. Since being back in these last few weeks in particular, I’ve felt at the least, disoriented every day, and depending on the day, there’s a varied buffet of panic, confusion, restlessness, and sadness. On some days after I’ve felt through some fear or had a really good cry, that day I tend to feel still a little disoriented, but have a lot more faith. Overall though, I feel like I’ve been thrown in a tumble dryer and I still haven’t figured out which way is up, and though my faith is slowly building, it’s been an intensely emotional process that feels far from over.
I feel like I’m at a pretty significant fork in the road in my life. Even though I want so badly the next positive changes that will lead to more happiness for me, I feel afraid I won’t know how to make them or God won’t guide me. I have always had huge injuries about my passions being absolutely impossible to have, and since being introduced to Divine Truth, the way I could describe it is that I have almost no faith in the Law of Desire or that my desires and passions, even if in harmony with love, will be something I’m allowed to have or that will have any power at all. I’m still working through that big, lifelong aloneness feeling I mentioned in a recent blog, and sorting out the differences between God reliance and self reliance and self responsibility and what’s just plain fear. And of course, the family stuff is really hard as I still get worried that what they say about me is true, and I know that inclination to believe them covers some final layers of resistance to feeling the truth about their treatment of me and resistance to the gravity of how that would feel to accept. A lot of days feel like desperation and I’m holding on to every moment I’ve had with God, every teaching from Jesus and Mary that’s stuck in my heart and I know by memory, every song that reminds me of God’s goodness, all my favorite Padgett messages and quotes from Robert James Lees‘ channelled books. Also a great help is that I’m spending more time in the mountains than Julie Andrews as Maria von Trapp (the hills really are alive with the sound of music, y’all).
Things have happened faster than they ever have for me and I can feel the momentum of it, and I feel like I have to be super careful about what I choose to do in this phase right now. And I’m struggling with that. I’ve been so tempted to fall back into physical addictions–food, social media, TV–to calm my anxiety. And some days, I’ve chosen the addictions instead of to love, and other days are definitely better in that regard. And yet I have this sense that if I do avoid my emotions and numb things out, just how destructive it will be at this point in my life, even more so than it ever has been. It’s not that I don’t think I’m allowed to make mistakes, but I also have moments where I can acutely feel that it matters very much whether I go for that chocolate, spend my night watching (non-triggering) movies, or choose to go surround myself with people instead of feeling my aloneness. It feels like I’m walking on a narrow ledge and there is a fatally steep dropoff on either side. I’ve never quite felt the truth about this path being a “narrow way” quite so much as I do right now.
It feels like once real change on this path has started happening for any of us, things will then happen faster and faster, and it becomes that much more dangerous and destructive to try and slow or stop it. It’s like the train has left the station, picked up speed, and jumping off of it would be catastrophic. And the ways we jump off of it are numerous: engaging in addictions, controlling things, justifying avoiding the next set of fears in front of us. And maybe, it’s not necessarily more dangerous or destructive than before to choose avoidance and addictions, but rather we just become more sensitive to and aware of the implications of sin than we were before–I’m not quite sure.
I’m reminding myself that just because I’ve allowed a lot of change already and made a lot of progress in my resistance to change, this is no time to rest on my laurels. Fears will come up in the face of change, I’ll work through those fears and make the changes, and then more fears will come up in the face of the next changes, etc. I can’t try to control things and say, “Ok that was really intense, I need things to slow down so I can breathe for a bit and adjust to what’s changed.” Sounds reasonable, right? Except slowing it down is just fear, plain and simple.
I have had a few more Law of Attraction events that have helped encourage me to keep on keeping on. One day recently I came across a picture with the text again, “You are not alone.” Then after that, my LOA brought me the quote below.
I’m also learning some lessons about emotional overwhelm. It seems that if we’re really sincere on this path, the emotional overwhelm is going to be very frequent, and maybe during certain phases, constant. What I’m finding is that my bar for what I consider the extent of overwhelm to be is being challenged to a new level. It’s like right when I think I’ve got the overwhelm thing down (and maybe I did for where I was in my progression), deeper and bigger emotions are exposed, and more things happen all at once, and so now the scope of emotional overwhelm is going to be deeper and wider. I remind myself a lot that God made me to handle all my emotions, in their full intensity, even if tons of them are happening all at once.
I also get the sense there are spirits who are rooting for me to fail right now. I can feel them encouraging my self-judgement injuries, fueling my fears and urging me to engage in the physical addictions. I had a terrifying nightmare in the last couple weeks, one that I woke up from feeling total dread, short of breath and tight in my throat, jolted awake when my physical body sort of spasmed and I woke up, as if I came back to my body somewhat violently and suddenly. Of course, dark spirits can only fan the flames of my own emotions I haven’t dealt with yet, so I’m not a victim to them. It doesn’t help that one of my biggest fears is dark spirits–another thing hopefully I’ll start facing soon.
The overarching imperative in all of this is that I must keep seeking to move out of self-reliance and into God-reliance, to build my faith and to pray to God, and most of all, to seek God’s love in the process. To ask for God’s love and grace not to lessen the pain I need to feel through, but rather to love me while I feel it. Jesus’ urge to ask us all to consider, “God is good” has pulled me through so many tough days recently. One of Mary’s older but absolutely golden blogs, found here, has also been treasure for me lately.
So I thought I’d write this blog partly to challenge my belief that if I’m struggling and don’t have much profundity to share, I’d just be wasting time by writing because it’ll be self-indulgent and depressing and won’t help anyone. And yet, if I only post on the blog when I’m through the other side of something and never when things are messy, then I’d just be in facade with this blog anyway. And also, if some of these quotes, songs, thoughts–any of the bits that are helping me right now might help someone else, then I’ll be very happy about that.
With that, I’ll end with this song I stumbled across recently (cheers for God’s LOA again) that I had never heard. Some of the lyrics have helped me connect with some of my own feelings of a lack of faith and brokenness and get into some good tears about it.
*Edit 7/22/16 – I thought to clarify that while parts of the lyrics of this song have helped me many times into sadness and hopelessness and still does, God does not plan broken hearts, and God does not want us to give over our will to Her. I tend to think of those particular lyrics as coming from an error in understanding about God driven by brokenness, when we in error think God has created our pain (which I have indeed had the false belief about). I have thought of the Thy Will lyrics as pertaining to God’s larger will for us all to grow in love. Other lyrics in this song have also moved me deeply, but it felt important to clarify all this.
Greetings, Friends! I’m stoked that the videos recorded while I was in London are now up!
The first is the video Perry and I did on “Removing Parental Emotions Towards God”, wherein we “discuss the relationship between the emotional injuries we inherit from our family of origin, how we automatically project those same injuries towards our true parent God, and the process of removing our parental emotional injuries so that we can start to develop a real relationship with God based on Truth.”
It was a new experience for me as I’ve never talked to a camera before, but I had so much fun chatting about these topics and absolutely loved the experience of making the video. I love talking about Divine Truth! Makes me want to create a channel. Hmm…
Next, check out Peter, Perry and Nicky’s first public, recorded divine truth seminar, “Introduction to Divine Truth” and after that, the Q&A. I shared a bit about watching them prepare for this seminar behind the scenes and my reflections on desire and taking action; if you want to read that blog, click here.
I wanted to share about a pretty wonderful law of attraction event I had earlier today that I am feeling really grateful for!
Where I currently live near Salt Lake City, Utah, I am surrounded by the majestic Rocky Mountain range, wherein I am blessed to have access to spectacular nature and hiking trails. In such expanses, I can easily find solitary spots, which are one of the best places for me to feel emotions and pray to God, partly because the beauty of nature has always been such an access point for me in connecting with God’s goodness.
So today I went to the mountains to feel through some big emotions I’m having come up about a lack of faith, hopelessness, and feeling alone in certain areas of my life and growth. Without making it a long post with the specifics (maybe another time), I’m basically realizing that my main prayer needs to be for more faith. In these particular areas, I feel a lack of faith in my own ability to figure out the truth about something or the best course of action, and also a lack of faith in God’s guidance. Despite that I’ve grown faith in other areas of my life in regards to God and myself, obviously my relationship with God is in its infancy and there are still lots of emotional wounds to heal before I can feel a strong sense of faith in God and myself in every area, and with every emotion.
So I climbed to the top of a hill off the beaten trail in the mountains, and today it was quite windy, so I knew I could go there and be pretty sequestered visually and auditorily while having a good cry. I’d been teary all day, so the full force of the emotions started coming out as soon as I found my little spot. I began crying about my lack of faith and fear of not being able to the truth about certain things, and doubt about receiving guidance. I eventually got to this lifelong feeling of being alone in regards to God, and unsupported in general, sort of a thrown out into the rain to fend for myself by God kind of feeling. Not surprisingly, the only physical pain I have, which I can remember since my pre-teen years, are chronically tight shoulders and neck related to the amount of self-reliance that I haven’t really wanted to be in, but felt I had to be in and the lack of faith that I’m supported completely by God, which causes a general scarcity of relaxation and trust in my life.
So I was having a pretty full-body sob about it and had been sitting there for about twenty minutes in the emotion, my head was in my knees and my eyes were closed, and I was feeling and thinking specifically, “Why do I feel so alone?” “If I have so much love and assistance from God and also my guide, why do I just feel so completely alone in this?” “Why do I have so little faith right now that I’m not alone?” “Why have I always felt so alone almost all of my life?”
Right at this moment, I heard a person run up behind me. I turned around and a man in running gear said simply,
“I didn’t mean to intrude, I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. Whatever it is, you’re not alone.”
… and then he ran off.
And of course, this crystal clear law of attraction event got me into even more grief as in that moment I started to feel just how much God and my guide want me to know I’m not alone even if I don’t believe it yet, so much so that they inspired someone to come remind me at the exact same moment I was thinking those thoughts.
Every time I get a reminder and feeling like that of how God is with me every second, aware of every single feeling I’m having, it just blows me away. It triggers so much grief when I feel the truth about the incredible tender care and complete attentiveness God has for me–all of us–in every moment and every situation, and how God doesn’t miss a single thing that’s happening in our souls. It’s like I get this little budding feeling of how precious each of us are to God and then all the worth-based emotions spill out, of course. And even though I still have much more emotion to go through about the causes of that alone feeling from my childhood, and more to go through before the alone feeling I’ve carried through my life is replaced with faith, this beautiful LOA gift gave me some faith right there and then.
I’ve always had this feeling of so badly wanting God reliance to be possible, even before finding Divine Truth (though I’ve had used different verbiage than that), but feeling like I dare not get excited about it because it was too good to be true; it wasn’t really something I could trust in. I’ve felt it was naive to think my life wasn’t just solely up to me, that getting my hopes up for something so wonderful from and with God was a dumb fantasy. I’ve also had feelings before that perhaps it was even more noble and spiritual to do it all by myself and maybe that’s why it seemed like I had to.
So now I’m feeling a bit more faith that I can, and God can help me, release the emotions that have caused my feelings of aloneness in my life and doubt that I am supported and guided by God. And even though I still have some of the feeling of not daring to believe in the beauty and gift of God reliance despite how much I love the idea of it, I feel such a feeling of excitement when I let myself believe it’s possible.
God, Love, and Truth 