Emotional Overwhelm, Soul Hydration

In my previous blog post, I shared about my recent struggles to allow the next emotions I need to work through and to not fall into addictions to control them, and about my lack of faith and also my fear. I was feeling progressively worse over the course of those few weeks, and finally, the day after I posted my last blog, the kettle boiled over.

I woke up that day, felt emotionally the worst I had up until that point, made myself do some “productive” things anyway (not very self-loving), and then realized it just wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t make myself do anything that day even if I wanted to. So I finally though, Right. I’m not going to try to be productive in any way. I’m just going to stay in these emotions even if its for the whole day. This is what I should have done long before now; but I’m going to do it now. So I was back in bed by 11:00 a.m. and decided to give into how awful I felt. And as soon as I did, all the emotion I’d been avoiding came crashing through like a torrent river through a dam, and I cried for probably about 4-5 hours. The next day I felt a little better than the day before, but still bad. I stayed in bed for a good part of the day again, and I cried for about another 3 hours.

I’ve had many times over the years before where I’ve cried for 2 or 3 or 4+ hours. Not super often, but it has happened, and I’ve had the experience before of letting myself fall into the darkness of a feeling and then experiencing the error lift and receiving more faith and feeling God more after, and so I was willing to try it again. But what’s interesting is how even though I’ve had those experiences before, with the next layer of emotions that I’m scared to experience, I still sometimes get worried it won’t actually work out this time. This time, at first I felt like, This is it. This might be what does me in. I’m going to be in bed crying like this for the next 4 months. These feelings are so awful I feel like I’m never going to be happy again. What if I can’t do this, God? What if I can’t make it through these emotions?

But because of those previous experiences, and partly because I’d allowed the pain to build up quite a lot (not good), I did let go and started to feel. When I’m really emotional, my prayers to God are an emotional conversation rather than one that I’m really thinking, but the prayers were sort of like,

God, this feels so awful. I know You can’t save me from these feelings and I don’t want You to. I just want to feel You while I’m feeling it all. Please help me get to the core emotions; I don’t want to waste time in effect emotions. I want to release my grasp on my resistances and just surrender to the full emotional overwhelm. Please help me be sincere, please help me feel Your truth about this. Please let me feel Your love and all the other feelings You feel about me. Please show me how to love myself more because I don’t know how to. I can’t do this without You.

Many times, within a few seconds flat, a heat wave would swell up in my body, like my body was burning up and I’d get super sweaty, something I’ve experienced before when in emotional overwhelm, but I’m still always amazed when it happens again. The room was at its normal temperature and I had barely moved my body, and yet when I’m in a core emotion I absolutely burn up. It always blows me away that much heat is generated by my own body, and how fast I go from feeling totally normal and then within a few seconds I feel so hot. Also, there are typically lots of sensations that happen in my body when I allow myself to be overwhelmed emotionally–changes in my heartbeat, pressure in certain areas of my body, release in other areas, tingling, etc. I remember when I first started experimenting with allowing really painful emotions and feeling them in my body, I was afraid they would physically shut my body down–stop my heart, collapse my lungs, I didn’t really know, I just felt like my body wasn’t going to be able to weather them. Now, I have pretty much no fear related to how it feels in my body; now the fears tend to be more about how bad it will feel emotionally and whether the emotional pain will ever end.

In the process of feeling it, I got this image of streams of sparkling, life-giving water running through the cracks of a desperate, parched desert floor, like some warmth in my heart. By the end of the tears on the second day, I felt tender and tired, but also soft, and had more peace in my heart, more faith in God, and a new sense of being close to myself. I went to bed super early on the second night and slept like a log. The next morning, I woke up feeling fantastic. And since then, things have felt quite good and I feel more faith and trust. It was just another great experience to build my faith about how powerful and simple the process really is: feel all our emotions in their full intensity, pray to God. Keep feeling, keep praying. Keep feeling, keep praying.

“God, walk with me while I uncover those worthless, hurting parts of myself. Help me towards humility rather than façade and defence.

Let my grieving open me to the truth about myself and to the love that already surrounds me. Let me strive to embrace the suffering of the past so that I may open my heart to a hopeful future, full of freedom.

-Mary Magdalene

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One of the reminders for me in the whole experience was how we have to create time and space to feel emotions. While it’s imperative we allow emotions at all times, anywhere and everywhere, it’s not going to be enough to only allow a few tears when we’re driving home from work. It’s not going to be enough to only allow ourselves to cry for 15 minutes and then pull ourselves out of it. Not that a few tears or 15 minutes is bad; I also have far more of those episodes than I do the long ones, and it’s naturally what will also happen when we’re allowing all our emotions. But looking back, any big core emotions I’ve ever worked through have required long periods of time dedicated to accessing them, and when I’ve finally gotten to them, they do take a lot of crying and feeling a lot of pain to get out.

These deep, old, festering wounds in our souls are not cleared with just a few tears. We have to have the self-love to make the space and time for ourselves to feel a lot more. I still have some emotions from my family and the world that cause me to forget that the most productive thing I can do with my day is to grow my relationship with God and feel my emotions. My two days of laying in bed and crying and doing little else were likely closer to God’s definition of productivity and a good use of time than avoiding that in favor of working and cleaning and whatever else I think is a more valid use of my time.

I’m starting to be a bit more ok with how I never have any clue before I start or during how long the emotional overwhelm is going to last, or how bad the feelings are going to get. We don’t know at the start of it if we might be crying for one hour or one week. We don’t know what will happen during or what will happen after. And that’s all part of the faith that we build each time we’re willing to go into emotional overwhelm and carry it through till it’s over. We may be afraid we’ll go crazy or lose control, afraid it will overtake us, afraid we won’t survive it. But we have to feel all of it anyway. We don’t get rid of those fears before we feel the emotions, those fears fall away when we feel it all and we see that we haven’t died or gone crazy, and afterwards, instead we feel so much better. We want a guarantee it’s going to be ok before we just do it, and that’s not how it’s going to go. From my experiences, I feel God isn’t going to take away the fears about emotional overwhelm in a way that helps us avoid them, but rather when sincerely feel our emotions even though we’re afraid, and also feel the fear itself, then God can share truth and love with us, which does shine light on our fears and they do fall away.

I can look back and see that when things have notably shifted in my life, it was when I went through total emotional overwhelm and felt some really big stuff. And far more so, when I allowed God to be with me and be part of the process. I know there will be many points in my future development where I again have to stretch to the next level of emotional overwhelm and face my fear and lack of faith in that next level of things, and I’ll have times that I put it off, avoid it, and am again tempted to revert to addictions and controlling the process. But I can feel that the more experiences we accumulate where we’ve allowed total emotional overwhelm to overtake us, involved God in the process and come through the other side seeing that yes, this is how our souls heal and it does work and we can do it, the more faith we’ll have in God’s design of our soul, and in God Herself.

Love,

Courtney

My First Divine Truth Video + More

Greetings, Friends! I’m stoked that the videos recorded while I was in London are now up!

The first is the video Perry and I did on “Removing Parental Emotions Towards God”, wherein we “discuss the relationship between the emotional injuries we inherit from our family of origin, how we automatically project those same injuries towards our true parent God, and the process of removing our parental emotional injuries so that we can start to develop a real relationship with God based on Truth.”

It was a new experience for me as I’ve never talked to a camera before, but I had so much fun chatting about these topics and absolutely loved the experience of making the video. I love talking about Divine Truth! Makes me want to create a channel. Hmm…

Next, check out Peter, Perry and Nicky’s first public, recorded divine truth seminar, “Introduction to Divine Truth” and after that, the Q&A. I shared a bit about watching them prepare for this seminar behind the scenes and my reflections on desire and taking action; if you want to read that blog, click here.

Happy viewing!

Courtney

A Windy Hilltop and My Faith

I wanted to share about a pretty wonderful law of attraction event I had earlier today that I am feeling really grateful for!

Where I currently live near Salt Lake City, Utah, I am surrounded by the majestic Rocky Mountain range, wherein I am blessed to have access to spectacular nature and hiking trails. In such expanses, I can easily find solitary spots, which are one of the best places for me to feel emotions and pray to God, partly because the beauty of nature has always been such an access point for me in connecting with God’s goodness.

So today I went to the mountains to feel through some big emotions I’m having come up about a lack of faith, hopelessness, and feeling alone in certain areas of my life and growth. Without making it a long post with the specifics (maybe another time), I’m basically realizing that my main prayer needs to be for more faith. In these particular areas, I feel a lack of faith in my own ability to figure out the truth about something or the best course of action, and also a lack of faith in God’s guidance. Despite that I’ve grown faith in other areas of my life in regards to God and myself, obviously my relationship with God is in its infancy and there are still lots of emotional wounds to heal before I can feel a strong sense of faith in God and myself in every area, and with every emotion.

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So I climbed to the top of a hill off the beaten trail in the mountains, and today it was quite windy, so I knew I could go there and be pretty sequestered visually and auditorily while having a good cry. I’d been teary all day, so the full force of the emotions started coming out as soon as I found my little spot. I began crying about my lack of faith and fear of not being able to the truth about certain things, and doubt about receiving guidance. I eventually got to this lifelong feeling of being alone in regards to God, and unsupported in general, sort of a thrown out into the rain to fend for myself by God kind of feeling. Not surprisingly, the only physical pain I have, which I can remember since my pre-teen years, are chronically tight shoulders and neck related to the amount of self-reliance that I haven’t really wanted to be in, but felt I had to be in and the lack of faith that I’m supported completely by God, which causes a general scarcity of relaxation and trust in my life.

So I was having a pretty full-body sob about it and had been sitting there for about twenty minutes in the emotion, my head was in my knees and my eyes were closed, and I was feeling and thinking specifically, “Why do I feel so alone?” “If I have so much love and assistance from God and also my guide, why do I just feel so completely alone in this?” “Why do I have so little faith right now that I’m not alone?” “Why have I always felt so alone almost all of my life?”

Right at this moment, I heard a person run up behind me. I turned around and a man in running gear said simply,

“I didn’t mean to intrude, I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. Whatever it is, you’re not alone.”

… and then he ran off.

And of course, this crystal clear law of attraction event got me into even more grief as in that moment I started to feel just how much God and my guide want me to know I’m not alone even if I don’t believe it yet, so much so that they inspired someone to come remind me at the exact same moment I was thinking those thoughts.

Every time I get a reminder and feeling like that of how God is with me every second, aware of every single feeling I’m having, it just blows me away. It triggers so much grief when I feel the truth about the incredible tender care and complete attentiveness God has for me–all of us–in every moment and every situation, and how God doesn’t miss a single thing that’s happening in our souls. It’s like I get this little budding feeling of how precious each of us are to God and then all the worth-based emotions spill out, of course. And even though I still have much more emotion to go through about the causes of that alone feeling from my childhood, and more to go through before the alone feeling I’ve carried through my life is replaced with faith, this beautiful LOA gift gave me some faith right there and then.

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I’ve always had this feeling of so badly wanting God reliance to be possible, even before finding Divine Truth (though I’ve had used different verbiage than that), but feeling like I dare not get excited about it because it was too good to be true; it wasn’t really something I could trust in. I’ve felt it was naive to think my life wasn’t just solely up to me, that getting my hopes up for something so wonderful from and with God was a dumb fantasy. I’ve also had feelings before that perhaps it was even more noble and spiritual to do it all by myself and maybe that’s why it seemed like I had to.

So now I’m feeling a bit more faith that I can, and God can help me, release the emotions that have caused my feelings of aloneness in my life and doubt that I am supported and guided by God. And even though I still have some of the feeling of not daring to believe in the beauty and gift of God reliance despite how much I love the idea of it, I feel such a feeling of excitement when I let myself believe it’s possible.

Love,

Courtney