New Video: Sexual Orientation Confusion P2

Hi Everyone,

I decided there was more to say (and maybe there is still yet more to say) on the topic of injuries and sexual orientation. So, this is the second video in the series where I discuss emotional injuries which caused my own confusion about my soul’s makeup and my attractions.

In this video I discuss more about dreams, others’ addictions to wanting to prevent people from working through sexual emotions, sexual bartering and manipulation, fears, and potential childhood root causes.

Sometimes the embedded video hasn’t been showing up when the post goes out to people subscribed, so in case that happens and you can’t see the video below, you can view Part 2 by clicking here. And for Part 1, click here.

Love,

Courtney

Fear and How I Nearly Missed the DT Training

If you’ve read my last blog about the The Divine Truth Training Program, you may have been able to garner how much I loved it. It was the best experience of my life and the biggest gift I’ve ever received. Every time I recall any part of it, I find myself staring off at nothing, lost in an incredulous feeling that I got to do it. I could gush about it endlessly.

Sometimes though, when lost in that grateful and stunned feeling, the recollection of something else makes my stomach knot in an instant. And that is remembering how I very nearly missed the entire experience–by my own choice.

To explain, I’ll need to backtrack a bit. For about three months before my arrival in Australia, I had been really lucky to participate in monthly mentoring groups for those desiring to assist in sharing Divine Truth with the world. Sharing DT has been my #1 desire for years; but something I’d not dared to let my heart run with–due to fears, feelings I have about desires, and feelings about myself. It was really generous on Jesus and Mary’s part to invite me along as I’d not actually acted on that desire yet.

Jesus and Mary had extended the invitation for the Training Program to a few people, but asked me in particular to please consider whether sharing Divine Truth was really my passion as I had not shown that through any actions thus far. I thought I’d considered it; going was all I could really think about and I wanted to do it so much, so I emailed to say I’d like to do it. I was accepted and booked my plane tickets.

Shortly after, we had another mentor meeting, and some of my questions regarding the upcoming experience and how I was not sure what I’d do after I got back home revealed that I hadn’t been as sincere as I was telling myself I had been in my examining my desires in the way that Jesus and Mary asked me to, and which needed to be the basis of going. They reminded me that a lot of resources and time from a lot of people would be going into the training and asked me that by the time I came, to have a definite feeling that sharing Divine Truth is what I want to do with my life, otherwise training me would not be a good use of resources. They were so very kind and loving as they are in every instance, and they are perfectly reasonable things to have asked of me–and I did feel that then–but I took things and twisted it in my own mind, and spiraled. Even listening back to that mentor meeting now, I marvel at how I missed all the encouraging things they said and fixed on just a couple things, and then twisted them completely. Spirits then took hold of those things and exploited them as well.

I spiraled in terror, and bad feelings about myself, and got very spirit attacked. I’ve never experienced anything like it: for weeks I couldn’t eat because I felt constantly like I could throw up. I had insomnia for the first time in my life, and when I did sleep, I’d often jolt awake violently in the middle of the night feeling choked or with a stabbing feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t concentrate or think straight; I was in a fog and struggled to work or get anything done. I spent entire days in bed crying and shaking and having no clue what to do about it or often why I even was. I would sometimes be walking around trying to do something in the house, suddenly have this dread come over me and my legs would physically lose their strength and I’d just have to lay down for a long time.

My head was going a million miles a minute at all times and here’s what it looked like on repeat. Many of these I wrote in my journal at the time:

This is the worst idea ever. You shouldn’t be going. You’re not sincere at all. Who do you think you are anyway? It’s going to be a disaster if you go. It’d be a miracle if you made it through without being kicked out; in fact it’s pretty much guaranteed you would be. You’re being selfish even considering going when you’ve done nothing helpful with Divine Truth. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re not ready and you’re arrogant to even think you might be. You can’t get to where you need to be within six weeks, it’s impossible. You’re clearly delusional about your supposed desire to share DT. You’re just going to disappoint Jesus and Mary and waste their time.

I’m terrible at taking action on anything, so what’s the point of getting trained? And what about the person I think is my soulmate? Am I just going to make plans for after the training without him? It’s an awful idea to go, it’s better if I wait longer, then maybe I’ll be ready at some point. Besides, the customs agents might not like that I’m doing something with Jesus and Mary for several months; they might not even let me through. And if I do get through the whole experience, I might ruin myself financially by not working for that long. It’s just too risky; one thing goes wrong and I’m screwed in so many ways. The whole thing is too risky and I’m not ready.

And so… after a few weeks in this place, I changed my plane tickets to only come for the Assistance Group and not for the training after. I had a brief thought before I did, “Maybe I should email J&M first before I change them, about my considering doing so?” but then had the thought You’ve wasted enough of their time, don’t bother them even more. Just make your own decision for once and be done with it.

And so, I paid the money to change my tickets. For a day and a half, I was like a sick person that’d become miraculously healthy again. I felt back to normal: I could focus again, work again, sleep again, eat again. It all felt much “better”. Then I emailed Jesus and Mary about the update, why I did it and how I wanted to come still, but later when I was more ready. I was fully convinced they’d agree I made the responsible choice and that my assessments were right.

To my surprise–though maybe not to yours reading this–that did not happen. (wink) Jesus and Mary gifted me feedback on the emotional injuries that had motivated my rational in not coming to the training. Fears had motivated my decision: fears of not being good enough, inadequate, making a mistake, not being able to cope (Not surprisingly, many of these are the exact same fears that have caused me to not take action in sharing Divine Truth). In this place, I convinced myself I was being logical and rational when I was actually being the opposite. And that’s what living in fear does: it makes us think we’re being reasonable when we’re not.

leaf-183283_960_720

I then paid the money to change the plane tickets back for the longer stay. So in the end I got to go after all, though the money lost was one of the compensations of my acting in fear. As soon as I changed them back, I was right back to how I felt before changing them. Though it wasn’t quite as bad, most of those feelings I’d mentioned above came back and I had a lot more sleepless nights, unproductive days and nausea. In fact, right up to the minute I got on the plane, I had an inevitable doom feeling like I was convinced somehow wasn’t going to make it there and really shouldn’t be going anyway. On the plane I had a meltdown, and even when I got to Noosaville I had a meltdown as soon as I checked into the accommodation. I took one look around, felt a nervous breakdown coming on, and thought:

This is the dumbest move you’ve ever made. You’re not going to make it through these whole 9.5 weeks, what are you even doing here? What’s the point? And now you’ve wasted money on your plane changes, too. You can’t do anything right. Always living in fear, always fucking up.

I cried for hours though probably not productively but rather in the same stuff as before. The severity of these feelings subsided a lot when I saw Jesus and Mary and felt their love and care for me, felt the atmosphere of love that bobbles around like a lovely cloud around them all the time, and when I started to work through some  emotions about how I’ve been treated in my life that have caused a lot of the injuries that drive these apocalyptic, obsessive terror spirals. And within about a week of being in Noosaville, I was starting to feel a kind of joy and desire I’ve never felt before, which grew over the time I was in Australia.

Later, during the weeks in the countryside, I chatted with Jesus and Mary a few more times about it. Mary said to me about my returning home after the training,

“The problem will be if you just go back and go ‘It’s all too hard, I can’t, there’s too much to do, I’m not good enough, I’ll stuff it up anyway’–kinda similar to that state you went into before you came of just like ‘No!’ And tell yourself it’s not a real desire and it’s not valid from God’s Perspective and then just bow out… You avoided the fear so much that you got to the point where you ended up rationalizing your inaction.”

That last line has stuck with me almost daily since being back. I often ask myself now, “Am I avoiding my fear and rationalizing inaction?”

And here’s the thing: while J&M gifted me the feedback in response to my initial changed plans, they didn’t have to. The reality is, it was my decision to back out of the training, and my (terror and error-based) desire, and they were under no obligation to inform me of what was going on with me even though they could see it clearly. They were extremely clear in all their ample feedback to me; it was me who made a series of decisions based on my own injuries. They said they’d considered leaving me with my desire and choice without saying too much, but felt perhaps it’d be an opportunity to learn about what happens when I avoid and live in my fear. And has it ever been! I don’t even know how to say how grateful I am they replied to my email with the gift more extensive feedback. I feel like they saved my life. Well, for realz–how many times have they and their teachings saved my life?! I would have assumed I made the right choice for the right reasons, left after the AG back home, and it may have been years or decades, or maybe not till being in the spirit world before I thought, “Hang on a sec, was that the right choice?” And then imagine the regret!! I could have easily missed out on the biggest opportunity and gift I’ve ever been offered in my life, and who knows what I would have missed out on as a flow-on effect of skipping the training. It makes me a bit nauseous to even think about how close I was to affecting my life for so long with just one decision made in the honoring of fear.

I wanted to share this story in case it might help others recognize how the avoidance of fear and living in fear–as well as bad feelings about ourselves–can cause us to rationalize decisions that are illogical, out of harmony with love, and aren’t beneficial for us. How justifying the fear can mean we miss major opportunities which would have been beneficial for our growth.

I still have enough fear that I am in danger of making similar big fear-based choices in the future again. I am still driven by fear in almost every situation. But I’m desiring more to see the truth of how justifying my fears has affected my life in the past, is affecting my life now, and how it could affect it in the future if I don’t begin dealing with some. In the weeks when I was booked in for the longer training, my fears were being triggered, but I was not dealing with them, but rather living in them. But during those few days in which my tickets were no longer for the training, I felt great, but it wasn’t because I’d done the good thing. It was because I’d completely put the lid on something that was triggering terror for me. I had entirely shut the whole process down, the spirits lifted, and that’s why I felt so much better. Looking back, this is what I’ve done continuously in my life: gone through periods–years–in a particular situation, stagnant, coasting, rarely feeling afraid of much. Rarely triggered, because my life was so set up with addictions, I’d controlled enough circumstances as possible, and most of all, was constantly turning away from any triggering situations. So, I felt “good” most of the time. But it is sobering to see what this prison we create for ourselves with our fear is really like.

I have to–and we all have to–be careful about getting into judgment about fear. I’ve gotten very self-punishing and judgmental about how fear-driven I am, but that’s also not going to help any of us deal with the fear. I’m tentative to say much of anything about how to process fear, but what I’m focusing on right now is taking more actions which trigger my fears, feeling a little more of them, and rather than blaming and judging myself for my having so much fear, instead seeing the fears my parents had themselves that were forced upon me and taught to me as truths about life and God, and also how their bad treatment of me created other fears and bad feelings about myself, and feeling the grief of all that.

Resources for learning about fear

Full length DT videos on fear

DT FAQ videos on fear

DT Clips on fear

Mary’s blogs on fear (my fave is “Living In Fear & the Freedom to Choose Differently“)

This particular mediumship on fear is also a favorite for me: 04 Aug 11 Mediumship with Mary & Jesus–Jesus Speaks with Cynthia–Helping A Group Of Fearful Women

Love,

Courtney

Emotional Overwhelm, Soul Hydration

In my previous blog post, I shared about my recent struggles to allow the next emotions I need to work through and to not fall into addictions to control them, and about my lack of faith and also my fear. I was feeling progressively worse over the course of those few weeks, and finally, the day after I posted my last blog, the kettle boiled over.

I woke up that day, felt emotionally the worst I had up until that point, made myself do some “productive” things anyway (not very self-loving), and then realized it just wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t make myself do anything that day even if I wanted to. So I finally though, Right. I’m not going to try to be productive in any way. I’m just going to stay in these emotions even if its for the whole day. This is what I should have done long before now; but I’m going to do it now. So I was back in bed by 11:00 a.m. and decided to give into how awful I felt. And as soon as I did, all the emotion I’d been avoiding came crashing through like a torrent river through a dam, and I cried for probably about 4-5 hours. The next day I felt a little better than the day before, but still bad. I stayed in bed for a good part of the day again, and I cried for about another 3 hours.

I’ve had many times over the years before where I’ve cried for 2 or 3 or 4+ hours. Not super often, but it has happened, and I’ve had the experience before of letting myself fall into the darkness of a feeling and then experiencing the error lift and receiving more faith and feeling God more after, and so I was willing to try it again. But what’s interesting is how even though I’ve had those experiences before, with the next layer of emotions that I’m scared to experience, I still sometimes get worried it won’t actually work out this time. This time, at first I felt like, This is it. This might be what does me in. I’m going to be in bed crying like this for the next 4 months. These feelings are so awful I feel like I’m never going to be happy again. What if I can’t do this, God? What if I can’t make it through these emotions?

But because of those previous experiences, and partly because I’d allowed the pain to build up quite a lot (not good), I did let go and started to feel. When I’m really emotional, my prayers to God are an emotional conversation rather than one that I’m really thinking, but the prayers were sort of like,

God, this feels so awful. I know You can’t save me from these feelings and I don’t want You to. I just want to feel You while I’m feeling it all. Please help me get to the core emotions; I don’t want to waste time in effect emotions. I want to release my grasp on my resistances and just surrender to the full emotional overwhelm. Please help me be sincere, please help me feel Your truth about this. Please let me feel Your love and all the other feelings You feel about me. Please show me how to love myself more because I don’t know how to. I can’t do this without You.

Many times, within a few seconds flat, a heat wave would swell up in my body, like my body was burning up and I’d get super sweaty, something I’ve experienced before when in emotional overwhelm, but I’m still always amazed when it happens again. The room was at its normal temperature and I had barely moved my body, and yet when I’m in a core emotion I absolutely burn up. It always blows me away that much heat is generated by my own body, and how fast I go from feeling totally normal and then within a few seconds I feel so hot. Also, there are typically lots of sensations that happen in my body when I allow myself to be overwhelmed emotionally–changes in my heartbeat, pressure in certain areas of my body, release in other areas, tingling, etc. I remember when I first started experimenting with allowing really painful emotions and feeling them in my body, I was afraid they would physically shut my body down–stop my heart, collapse my lungs, I didn’t really know, I just felt like my body wasn’t going to be able to weather them. Now, I have pretty much no fear related to how it feels in my body; now the fears tend to be more about how bad it will feel emotionally and whether the emotional pain will ever end.

In the process of feeling it, I got this image of streams of sparkling, life-giving water running through the cracks of a desperate, parched desert floor, like some warmth in my heart. By the end of the tears on the second day, I felt tender and tired, but also soft, and had more peace in my heart, more faith in God, and a new sense of being close to myself. I went to bed super early on the second night and slept like a log. The next morning, I woke up feeling fantastic. And since then, things have felt quite good and I feel more faith and trust. It was just another great experience to build my faith about how powerful and simple the process really is: feel all our emotions in their full intensity, pray to God. Keep feeling, keep praying. Keep feeling, keep praying.

“God, walk with me while I uncover those worthless, hurting parts of myself. Help me towards humility rather than façade and defence.

Let my grieving open me to the truth about myself and to the love that already surrounds me. Let me strive to embrace the suffering of the past so that I may open my heart to a hopeful future, full of freedom.

-Mary Magdalene

arizona-113684_960_720

One of the reminders for me in the whole experience was how we have to create time and space to feel emotions. While it’s imperative we allow emotions at all times, anywhere and everywhere, it’s not going to be enough to only allow a few tears when we’re driving home from work. It’s not going to be enough to only allow ourselves to cry for 15 minutes and then pull ourselves out of it. Not that a few tears or 15 minutes is bad; I also have far more of those episodes than I do the long ones, and it’s naturally what will also happen when we’re allowing all our emotions. But looking back, any big core emotions I’ve ever worked through have required long periods of time dedicated to accessing them, and when I’ve finally gotten to them, they do take a lot of crying and feeling a lot of pain to get out.

These deep, old, festering wounds in our souls are not cleared with just a few tears. We have to have the self-love to make the space and time for ourselves to feel a lot more. I still have some emotions from my family and the world that cause me to forget that the most productive thing I can do with my day is to grow my relationship with God and feel my emotions. My two days of laying in bed and crying and doing little else were likely closer to God’s definition of productivity and a good use of time than avoiding that in favor of working and cleaning and whatever else I think is a more valid use of my time.

I’m starting to be a bit more ok with how I never have any clue before I start or during how long the emotional overwhelm is going to last, or how bad the feelings are going to get. We don’t know at the start of it if we might be crying for one hour or one week. We don’t know what will happen during or what will happen after. And that’s all part of the faith that we build each time we’re willing to go into emotional overwhelm and carry it through till it’s over. We may be afraid we’ll go crazy or lose control, afraid it will overtake us, afraid we won’t survive it. But we have to feel all of it anyway. We don’t get rid of those fears before we feel the emotions, those fears fall away when we feel it all and we see that we haven’t died or gone crazy, and afterwards, instead we feel so much better. We want a guarantee it’s going to be ok before we just do it, and that’s not how it’s going to go. From my experiences, I feel God isn’t going to take away the fears about emotional overwhelm in a way that helps us avoid them, but rather when sincerely feel our emotions even though we’re afraid, and also feel the fear itself, then God can share truth and love with us, which does shine light on our fears and they do fall away.

I can look back and see that when things have notably shifted in my life, it was when I went through total emotional overwhelm and felt some really big stuff. And far more so, when I allowed God to be with me and be part of the process. I know there will be many points in my future development where I again have to stretch to the next level of emotional overwhelm and face my fear and lack of faith in that next level of things, and I’ll have times that I put it off, avoid it, and am again tempted to revert to addictions and controlling the process. But I can feel that the more experiences we accumulate where we’ve allowed total emotional overwhelm to overtake us, involved God in the process and come through the other side seeing that yes, this is how our souls heal and it does work and we can do it, the more faith we’ll have in God’s design of our soul, and in God Herself.

Love,

Courtney

Taking Action, Following Desires, and London

Hi Everyone,

I began this blog post writing from a quaint coffee shop in London, one many Americans like me find so novel and exotic, with a view out the windows of old, quintessentially european buildings, climbing vines, and small, charming shops. I finished this blog where I currently live in Salt Lake City, Utah, after a week of reflection on what was quite an epic trip.

I went to visit my longtime friend Perry, meet my new-to-be longtime friend Nicky, attend their first public Divine Truth talk, which they gave along with Nicky’s cousin Peter, and otherwise engage in any Divine Truth related happenings and conversations in which I was able to shoehorn myself into (which luckily, since these guys are amazing, was tons).

Hanging out with Perry, Nicky and Peter, and attending their talk, was so inspiring for me not only in the content itself that they presented, but also in witnessing examples of what a person does when they’re really in their passions. These three guys are exercising their desires and passions for teaching divine truth and taking action on them. I started writing this blog soon after their talk and was attempting to illustrate all that I observed behind the scenes, though they just published an awesome blog about all that detail you can read by clicking here.

But to reiterate and expand on some of what I was privy to, in order to create the seminar, they had to take so many actions–similar processes I’d imagine Jesus and Mary likely go through to set their seminars up. In observing them for a few days prior, I watched them discuss the venue hire, how to transport equipment back and forth, plan out the topics and the overall flow of the presentation, and go through a huge amount of testing to make sure all the video and audio equipment worked. And as far as I know, all the equipment stuff was pretty much completely new to them, so it was a steep learning curve they had to go through. Then there’s setting up the room, breaking down the room, deconstructing all the equipment, and then of course all the editing of the videos and creating a youtube-compatible presentation after the fact.

It’s not like the understanding of all of this is entirely new to me as I’ve heard Jesus and Mary discuss the details of presenting and recording seminars before, but perhaps there’s something about the fact that I’ve known Perry for 7+ years and am getting to see him follow his passions, and also all the guys are around my age and have been listening to Divine Truth for a similar amount of time as myself, which feels so relatable, and also, it’s different seeing the process immediately in front of me. It’s like, with Jesus and Mary, it can be easy to perpetuate some excuses with myself: they’re so much farther ahead than I am in their development, I’m not there yet, I’m just lil ole’ me.

And this is also only talking about the logistical aspects involved in making their first seminar happen. There’s also the emotions around it they had to go through to do it all, and it made me reflect on many that I know I’ll personally need to go through as I have a passion to share Divine Truth in similar ways as they are: concern that I’m not far enough along to share anything of value, fear of bumbling and blubbering incoherently in front of a group of people live and on video, fear that I wouldn’t be able to figure out all the technology involved, fear of human and spirit attack, concerns about if nobody showed up and I looked like a fool. For me, I imagine it’d be about worth and fear of others’ opinions of me more so than fear of handling logistical aspects or tech, but the bottom line is there are always emotions triggered when we start following our passions.

Witnessing all the gifts these guys give as an expression of their passion and love–not just their main seminar but also a more informal (but with a larger audience!) talk that Perry and Nicky did, and also seeing Nicky put so much work into managing the forum, and what went into creating a video for their Divine Truth Experience channel (I did one with Perry–watch out for it!)–reminded me that when we are really passionate, we will do whatever it takes, both in regards to taking logistical action and also in regards to feeling emotions that come up before, during and after taking those actions. It reminded me that following our passions is a resolved exercise of our will in so many directions. These guys don’t need hand-holding to follow their passions, they don’t have a demand people listen and appreciate, or require validation in order to exercise them, and yet at the same time are so humble in desiring guidance from their guides and God along the whole way.

It reminds me that if we are truly desirous of living in our passions–whatever they may be–we would start acting now, and start feeling our emotional blocks now. We wouldn’t wait till next week, or in a year or exist in irresolution until some nebulous point in time that we’re not even sure what the criteria would be to start. We actually wouldn’t even be able to wait, because the passion and excitement would propel us through even if we had to go through a lot of hurdles and a lot of emotions in order to make it happen. I’ve begun to feel how following our passions is a significant part of self-love, and how not following our soul’s passions in line with who God designed us to be is actually a very damaging use of our will against ourselves, our soulmate, and keeps us from being closer with God. Expressing our soul is about being in harmony with love, and we are choosing to remain disconnected from our own souls when we hold off from following our passions and desires in harmony with love.

So with that, I really recommend watching their presentation. The main seminar, “Intro to Divine Truth” can be found here, and the subsequent Q&A can be found here.

I also love this quote from Jesus, from which the content could be an entire other blog post I’d adore writing about my feelings on, but that may be for another time:

“Most of us have suppressed our true, personality-based passions due to external, injury-based influences in our childhood which we took on that have now morphed into fears and addictions in our adulthood.

That is why so many people feel ‘lost’ when it comes to what they are passionate about – internally they are resisting humility to their fear and grief about potential rejection and/or financial lack and therefore become quite disconnected from their childlike feelings of enthusiasm for things.”

To finish this blog post, I thought I’d share a few photos from my trip to London, which was filled with amazing discussions about God and God’s Way, wonderful friends, delicious vegan food, gorgeous parks, and a slew of new english slang (“Pop your clogs” and other delightful vernacular) that I’m joyfully confusing my American friends with.

Screen-Shot-2016-06-12-at-15.13.13
Perry, Nicky and Peter — photo courtesy of divinetruthhub.com
9295e1d0-90f6-4e7b-bed0-9489e07b9457
Nicky, Perry and I at Kensington Gardens
IMG_3851
Swans in a pond in a park in the foreground of a sculpture. You know, the typical sight. 😉
IMG_3701
The guys at their second talk–everyone was new to Divine Truth!
IMG_3751
Vegan pistachio cake at Wild Food Cafe: Game over, London.
IMG_3937
You know a blog post is good when it finishes with an english rose photo!

Love,

Courtney