Off To Oz Again And Thoughts About Fear

Well, I’m officially headed from England back to Australia again! I often think to myself, For a person who really prefers the addiction to the safety of staying in one place, I sure seem to move and travel really often. I actually counted a year or two ago and I think I’ve lived in about 20 different residences in the last 10 years!

My time in England with Perry will be coming to an end soon partly due to U.K. visa limits, after which I’ll be going back to Australia. My emotions are very mixed, as you might imagine: I’m feeling really sad about having to leave Perry yet again and also so excited and grateful to be taking another step towards my desires in learning about and helping to share Divine Truth and God’s Way of doing things.

The months Perry and I have had together in England this visit have been full of lessons and emotions, definitely for me and for both of us to an extent. While I’ve been here Perry and I received some more feedback from Mary and Jesus about our relationship after I’d asked for some; this time mostly about my addictions and fears in the relationship, which was challenging initially for me to receive, but I know I must deal with if I want to love Perry and myself in the way God loves. I want to share some of that feedback in a future blog focused just at those issues as they’re so important. So will save that for another blog at some point.

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Next Plans

Next I’ll be participating in the next Volunteer Selection Project as part participant, part behind the scenes with the facilitators to learn how things are run. My long term desire is to start a Learning Centre somewhere in the world, or to long-term be a part of the one in Queensland, and so, these programs will hopefully be run at other centres in the world someday as well, to take on volunteers there. During the V.S.P. and after I have the opportunity to learn and work towards that long term aim, and it is such an incredible opportunity from Jesus, Mary, the God’s Way Directors and Managers and others.

I have a lot of growth, learning, purification of my attitudes and desires, and more to do to be able to fulfill this desire of starting a Learning Centre and/or branch of the God’s Way Organization, and while often I feel daunted by the road from A to B both logistically and emotionally, I am also so excited to learn. The vision of Learning Centres all around the world makes me so excited and every God’s Way blog makes me feel so alive. If you haven’t read the God’s Way Constitution Jesus wrote, I highly recommend it–it is so beautiful! There are so many things I want to learn about about and understand about the process, and I can’t wait to observe all the things happening already with the God’s Way Organization and Learning Centre there.

Desire, Excuses And Fear

I wanted to share a bit about my thoughts about fear. I am still a fear-saturated person and I haven’t felt through any of my fears yet, and I can feel familiar ones coming up as the Australia trip draws near. So I wanted to write because I feel I’ve learning a few tidbits about fear in the last couple years that I could share, and also because I could really use my own reminder about it all too!

Recently, when I’ve caught up with others I know who listen to Divine Truth, and they’ve asked about my next plans, in response many have said, they also really want to do the V.S.P., or attend an Assistance Group, or engage more in some other way, or follow their own passions in harmony with God’s Way, but they feel they aren’t in a good enough condition of love or progressed enough to apply, or go or do whatever it is yet. Sometimes they “know” they won’t be accepted, “know” they would be asked to leave, that they won’t do it lovingly enough etc. That they should wait till later when they are “ready”. I know of some who have done what I did, and changed their mind about engaging/attending at the last minute, letting their fears dictate choices yet again.

On a mentor meeting in 2016 I once said to Jesus and Mary that while I wanted to volunteer, it hadn’t occurred to me that I would be the one to start a learning centre in the US because I felt like I was so far away from being progressed enough to do such a thing. In response, Jesus said: “It’s not about progression, it’s about desire.” and later Mary said, “It’s the desire that often leads you through so much progression.”

Obviously our condition in love is important and a factor; I’m not saying that doesn’t matter how loving we are. But these things above that I’ve always told myself in life and since finding Divine Truth, and which a lot of people also tell me, feel now more to me to be just excuses masked as a false humility that sounds virtuous but isn’t genuine.

These excuses are ones I’ve justified in myself for years. I often find myself defaulting back to thoughts like:

This is a bad idea to do this. I’ve got so much growth to do, look at all these areas I’m so out of harmony with love! I shouldn’t do this now. I’m just not ready yet. I’ll mess it all up anyway. I’ve got this problem and that problem. I shouldn’t do it with my condition as it currently is, I should wait till I’m more progressed. Yes, that’s the responsible thing to do.

I still do tell myself this, though I’m more apt to catch those thoughts now and give myself a side-eye when I notice them.

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When I do tell myself I’m just not loving/progressed, enough, I first remind myself that if I’m genuine about growing in love, why wouldn’t I see that whatever issues which could cause me to not be in a good enough condition of love to do something, or which would cause me to be asked to leave, is something I could start changing–now, today? That could shift significantly sooner than I think, if I really wanted to? And then wouldn’t even be a factor anymore anyway. And if I’m not making any movement on my personal issues of love and truth, then am I really sincere about wanting to be more loving before participating? Is it true that I want to engage with that thing at all? Because maybe I just want to think I do because it makes me feel like a good person to say so but really the desire isn’t there.

I also think insisting we need to wait to be more loving or more “ready” can be to mask the fact that we just don’t want to put ourselves in position to receive more personal truth and feedback. We don’t desire personal truth, though we might want to tell ourselves we do, but our real desire is to avoid situations or interactions that might expose personal truth about ourselves. We would rather hide and not get exposed.

Additionally, for myself, when I tell myself I am not ready or progressed enough to take the action or follow the desire, or consider backing out, it is usually because I want an excuse to not face my fear of acting, my fear of emotion and other specific fears. This is when I can get heavily spirit influenced as well. Spirits amplify the fears I already am holding onto within myself, reinforce my bad feelings about myself and I can end up in a really bad spiral where I just want relief from all the fear and running away to a safe hiding place becomes very attractive.

It can sound virtuous to our facades to say we want to be more loving or more “ready” first, but I feel’ for myself this has not been true humility, rather it gives me a way out.

I’m learning it’s important not to then beat ourselves up, another addiction often choose when I realize I want to avoid fear. When I’ve been willing to face the truth of why I choose not to engage, and if I can also not judge myself for it, I can then look into the real reasons for it and have the chance to shift on those issues.

“The truth is that as we suppress fear we simultaneously strangle desire and most of us, most of the time, prize the avoidance of fear above the exploration of our wildest dreams and deepest passions.

We rarely pause to consider what we would be interested in or inspired by if fear was not a daily part of life.”

-Mary Magdalene

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More About Deep Fears

In the last couple years, in the process of engaging more with Divine Truth, going to Australia the first time, making my own videos, my relationship with Perry and some other events/actions, some of my big fears (really terrors) that have been exposed are:

  • Fear of making mistakes, messing up, getting it wrong
  • Fear of being unloving (getting it wrong)
  • Fear of the future being unknown, what may happen
  • Fear of punishment
  • Fear of personal feedback (due to my self judgment and terror of punishment)
  • Fear of rejection
  • Fear my desires are all impure and I’m just really bad

As I discussed in my 2017 blog Fear And How I Nearly Missed The DT Training, I’ve historically listened to these fears and unequivocally done exactly what they would dictate. I’ve hidden from life and avoided as much action as I possibly could. I’ve gone to great lengths to control as many factors as possible to prevent external things from going wrong and from me making a mistake. Making mistakes feels like utter doom. I’ve held onto my addiction self judgment and pulling myself down; I want to insist I’m deep down I’m abominable because that feels safer than any alternative. I’ve kept my heart closed and don’t share myself so as not to get rejected or attacked. If I can’t successfully hide and control by my own efforts, I’ve compulsively sought reassurance from whomever will give it to me. If there has been any chance of disaster, mistakes, or rejection by taking any action in my life, I’ve avoided doing that thing completely. A life where there’s been as minimal risk, decisions and action as possible has been my desire.

I have so many beliefs about fear that I’m learning intellectually from Jesus and Mary are incorrect and totally false from God’s Perspective. I’ve felt I shouldn’t have to feel fear, I shouldn’t have to deal with it. It’s too much of God to ask of me and it’s too much of others to ask for me. That love would takes away fear so I don’t have to feel it and be miserable. I’m not very prone to feeling angry about things generally except when a fear is confronted–then I can get angry. I feel like it’s not fair, that I’ve suffered enough and feeling fear is just more trauma I shouldn’t have to endure.

I feel so saturated with fear that it often feels like who I am, like a component of my personality and I feel intimidated, overwhelmed and at a loss as to how to get rid of it. I’m afraid of the sheer amount of fear I need to work through and afraid I can’t change. Again, these are not God’s Truths, but my own false beliefs and more fears about fear, I suppose.

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When I’m told that God wants me to feel all my fear and won’t take it away for me and nor should anyone else, if I’m soft rather than angry, and can get into some emotion about how that makes me feel, I’ve been getting a particular visual:

It feels like I’ve been a homeless and lonely child out in the bitter cold, knocking on the doors to cozy, warmly lit houses all my life, desperately asking if I can please come in, but never being able to for long. Being told I must feel my fear feels like being suddenly thrust back outside, being told I must always live there and watching the door slam as darkness and cold surrounds me and I’m alone yet again. I feel like I’m being told I can never have belonging or joy or comfort or warmth: it is not for me.

And so I’ve used addictions all my life to avoid my terror and the terrible emotions underneath it. If I can’t ever go into those cozy houses, then at least I have some sugary thing I can huddle with to eat and temporarily forget how cold I feel. My food addictions have been feeble attempts at artificially creating comfort and joy when really I’ve felt spiritually homeless, destitute, and never excited about anything. I’ve hoped my relationships with men would give me the sense being wanted and good enough so I don’t have to feel rejection and how awfully I really feel about myself. Avoiding action and decisions gives me the false sense of safety and security I feel I absolutely need in order to emotionally cope with life and survive. I don’t want to have to cross the abyss of my fear with nothing to hold onto.

It seems I believe feeling fear means subscribing to a life of loneliness, sadness and coldness. It’s like I believe facing fear means I am finally signing on the dotted line and subscribing to permanent residency alone in the cold streets. But then kicking into my thoughts sometimes is what Jesus and Mary teach about fear, and I think how far off I must be in this false belief, how I must be forgetting that God is at the other end and GOD IS GOOD. How differently I might feel about the notion of feeling fear as an emotion if I believed God was good.

When I journal about these things or write even now, I get a sad feeling because I’ve had some experiences which suggest that these beliefs and my fears themselves, are not true, and which make me suspect I’m really causing my own suffering by continuing to avoid dealing with fear.

There are a few things I’ve done in the last few years, including attending the Assistance Groups and the Divine Truth Training, making my own videos and many other smaller examples, when I’ve been absolutely concrete in my certainty that my fears would come true in taking those actions, which then to my total shock, almost all of them didn’t happen. And often the precise opposite of what I “knew” would happen, happened in a positive direction, not a negative one. I indeed saw in those instances that F.E.A.Rs (False Expectations Appearing Real) were actually just “Paper Tigers” and not real at all.

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Following some of these situations where my fear didn’t come true, and things were better, not worse, emotions have flowed about the truth of how my fear shackles and strangles me, how much I’ve done to pretend I’m not suffering by a life justifying fear, and how I’m avoiding so many emotions about how I was treated and what I was taught in my childhood to create so much terror, and faith only in a world and God that is cold, harsh, punishing, and oppressive.

“Fear when left unchallenged pervades our life.

By living in fear we are agreeing to the lie that we really do have things to be afraid of and that love is not the most powerful force in the Universe.”

-Mary Magdalene

I don’t really understand fear and I couldn’t tell you how to get through it yet from experience. The main thing I wanted to share in this blog is that it seems that acting despite fear exposes it and other emotions and that acting despite fear is a good way to experiment with the belief that our fears are totally true. It exposes my false beliefs and errors in thinking, and is a good way to experiment with God’s Goodness. There’s a crack–though a tiny one–in my beliefs about fear which makes me a bit more likely to try things than I used to be.

In engaging with the VSP and otherwise in Australia, my usual fears and bad feelings about myself are already coming up again because I haven’t dealt with these issues yet. But I often think of the regret I’d feel at the end of this earth life if I never even tried to challenge any of them, only to find out I caused myself and others more unnecessarily suffering when I could have been happy and striving to create and support the sharing of Divine Truth in the world. The amount of opportunities available to all of us because we are alive while Jesus and Mary are back teaching God’s Truths is unbelievable. I’d be gutted to be hit with the magnitude of willingly foregoing those gifts available to me in favor of coveting my fear.

So anyway, I think that’s it for now and I hope to have some time to blog as the program goes on, or at least, I will after the VSP is finished. I am so grateful to Jesus and Mary, and the God’s Way Directors and Managers for offering this massive opportunity to me, and to others like Lena who are gifting various things to make it possible and easier for me to come. I have been given so, so, so much and I really want to learn how to be more sincere and effective in giving back as well, though I don’t know if I can ever repay Jesus and Mary for the gifts they’ve given me through all the means they have (though of course they don’t expect that!). I just feel so blown away by it all.

Here are some links before I wrap this blog up.

Divine Truth videos from Jesus and Mary that may help re: these issues:

Videos: Facing My Fear Of Action

Videos: Facing My Fear Of Emotion

Mary’s Blogs on Fear

Also, search “fear” within any of the 3 Divine Truth Youtube Channels for more.

To learn more and register interest in the next Volunteer Selection Project, click here.

To learn more and register interest in the next Assistance Groups, click here.

“If you just rely on yourself, having courage is very hard – how much courage you have is completely dependent on your own limitations.

Whereas God is an unlimited God, with unlimited Goodness. If I trust and have faith in God, now my courage will be dependent on God’s feelings, not my own. To me, that means I can do anything, no matter how afraid I am.

I don’t consider myself to have much personal courage. I simply have faith in God and God’s Goodness.”

-Jesus

Love,

Courtney

Thanks to the photographers from unsplash.com and pixabay.com for these images.

Scotty, Beam Me Up!

The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.

— Psalms 19:1

I’ve always loved space. Like most children, I loved laying in the grass and looking up at a clear, starry night in wonder. I have a memory of a 4 or 5 year old me doing a school project which involved poking holes in a shoebox and then shining a powerful flashlight through to create a starry sky on the ceiling in the dark, an experience that delighted me. I also believed in God, and contemplating the cosmos has always connected me to God’s power, creativity, genius and goodness. Just like mountains or the ocean, stars and planets and nebulas have been evidence to me of God.

These fascinations allowed for a natural foray into my eventual love of scifi and all things cosmic. I grew up watching reruns of the original Star Trek TV show and now, scifi movies are among my favorites. Need a buddy to watch The Martian or Interstellar? I’ll be there faster than you can say “supernova”. I never miss the opportunity to see a good scifi movie on the big screen, and I’ve spent more time googling space-themed clothing than is probably normal.

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It’s hard to argue with Spock about humanity’s false concepts about God, after all.

About three years ago, I was reading an incredible book Jesus and Mary recommend called Through the Mists for the first time. I copied down practically ever other paragraph of this book into my journal, but one of the many amazing passages I wrote down relates to space, and it absolutely blew me away:

{Myhanene to Aphraar} “Paul said he at one time ascended into the third Heaven; he also once assured the Ephisians that Christ ‘hath ascended far above all Heavens’; and of God we are told that ‘the Heaven of Heavens cannot contain Him.’

We are thus scripturally warranted in using the plural number in speaking of the Heavens, just as Christ spoke of the many mansions. Now, the foundations of part of these mansions, or Heavens, are not so invisible to our friends on earth as is generally believed. I think they estimate the number of stars discernible at about one hundred millions, but of all this number with the added darker bodies remaining invisible, so far as I have learned, those that serve the purpose of preliminary existence, as earth, do not exceed the numbers of your fingers.”….

{Myhanene} “The rest are nuclei for varied grades of spiritual ascent. You have already seen how one class of soul is held bound to the earth, the influence of which attenuates until one is able to break away and seek other conditions?”

{Aphraar} “Yes.”

{Myhanene} “So from the material body of every star does there radiate an attenuated substance from which a serried ascent of spiritual conditions is built up, forming the divinely majestic staircase linking Heaven with Heaven, until the Heaven of Heavens is reached.”

My understanding of this passage is that Myhanene is saying first of all that there are no more than ten planets that sustain human life like earth, and possibly far less. So that’s a pretty cool thing to know in and of itself. Also, my interpretation is that Myhanene is saying here that the stars in space, that exist and we can see in the physical world, are actually the foundation of certain matter that the spheres of the spirit world are built from. That the stars we see from our blankets in the park are essential for the very structure of the spirit world. Talk about changing the way we look at the night sky! I had a proper nerd flip-out when I read that passage.

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I recently started watching the American show Cosmos (check Netflix). It’s an educational, documentary-style science show focusing on space. The first few episodes I watched discussed how the earth and our moon were formed, how stars are born, and how the entire universe formed even before that. A few of my favorite quotes so far from host Neil DeGrasse Tyson:

“Stars die and reborn […] They get so hot that the nuclei of the atoms fuse together deep within them to make the oxygen we breathe, the carbon in our muscles, the calcium in our bones, the iron in our blood. All was cooked in the fiery hearts of long vanished stars… The cosmos is also within us. We’re made of star stuff.

The atoms of our bodies are traceable to stars that manufactured them in their cores and exploded these enriched ingredients across our galaxy, billions of years ago. For this reason, we are biologically connected to every other living thing in the world. We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust.

Most astronomy shows, whether educational or scifi, do not discuss God at all and certainly don’t present all the science in the context of them being God’s creation. We currently live in a world where astronomy–and science in general–and God are often considered mutually exclusive. The opposite has always felt true for me: astronomy and learning things about space has always strengthened my faith in God. And with my new understanding  from Jesus and Mary’s teachings, I have come to also feel that science presents evidence of God’s Love.

One particular day, I was connecting in my geeky little heart to all of this and was laying on my bed, gazing at the ceiling and thinking about the wondrous things I’d learned from this Cosmos show I’d watched, and thinking about the Through the Mists passage. There I was, lost in my cosmic contemplations about God and the formation of the universe and the earth and the sun and my heart flooded with warmth and the sentence that came into my head was, All of that was made by God, for love, with love.  I thought, if we are, as Jesus says, “the greatest of Your [God’s] creations, and the most wonderful of all Your handiworks, and the object of Your great soul’s love and tenderest care”, then that must mean that all the cosmic miracles that have happened over billions of years were intended by God, planned to create a massive playground for God’s adored children. It baffles me that so much time passed in space before humans were even a part of it. All that planning, all that time, all those monumental events, and of every incredible thing in space that God has made, Her children are Her highest creations. Could it be that right from the beginning, it was all for us?

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.

— Psalm 19:1-6. (New International Version)

So these are some of my musings recently. Full disclosure: this blog may just have been a thinly veiled excuse for me to nerd out on space and God and post Star Trek quotes and cool pictures of starry nights! Best wishes in your galactic musings. 🙂

Live long and prosper,

Courtney

Lessons in Change and a Steep Dropoff

“It is wonderful what God can do with a broken heart, if He gets all the pieces.”

-Samuel Chadwick

My life has changed more in the last 6 months or so than it has in a very, very long time. I ended a 5.5-year relationship, figured out I’m actually straight, not gay (I know, I know–that’s whopper of a blog post in itself), moved houses and states, and realized that my biggest passion in life is to share divine truth. Additionally, since being back from London, everything has completely fallen apart with my family and now I’ve chosen not to be in communication with all but one of my six adult immediate family members, something that’s unlikely to change soon.

Every month of this year has felt emotionally totally different than the month before, and at times that’s felt amazing and exciting and at other times scary and painful. Since being back in these last few weeks in particular, I’ve felt at the least, disoriented every day, and depending on the day, there’s a varied buffet of panic, confusion, restlessness, and sadness. On some days after I’ve felt through some fear or had a really good cry, that day I tend to feel still a little disoriented, but have a lot more faith. Overall though, I feel like I’ve been thrown in a tumble dryer and I still haven’t figured out which way is up, and though my faith is slowly building, it’s been an intensely emotional process that feels far from over.

I feel like I’m at a pretty significant fork in the road in my life. Even though I want so badly the next positive changes that will lead to more happiness for me, I feel afraid I won’t know how to make them or God won’t guide me. I have always had huge injuries about my passions being absolutely impossible to have, and since being introduced to Divine Truth, the way I could describe it is that I have almost no faith in the Law of Desire or that my desires and passions, even if in harmony with love, will be something I’m allowed to have or that will have any power at all. I’m still working through that big, lifelong aloneness feeling I mentioned in a recent blog, and sorting out the differences between God reliance and self reliance and self responsibility and what’s just plain fear. And of course, the family stuff is really hard as I still get worried that what they say about me is true, and I know that inclination to believe them covers some final layers of resistance to feeling the truth about their treatment of me and resistance to the gravity of how that would feel to accept. A lot of days feel like desperation and I’m holding on to every moment I’ve had with God, every teaching from Jesus and Mary that’s stuck in my heart and I know by memory, every song that reminds me of God’s goodness, all my favorite Padgett messages and quotes from Robert James Lees‘ channelled books. Also a great help is that I’m spending more time in the mountains than Julie Andrews as Maria von Trapp (the hills really are alive with the sound of music, y’all).

Things have happened faster than they ever have for me and I can feel the momentum of it, and I feel like I have to be super careful about what I choose to do in this phase right now. And I’m struggling with that. I’ve been so tempted to fall back into physical addictions–food, social media, TV–to calm my anxiety. And some days, I’ve chosen the addictions instead of to love, and other days are definitely better in that regard. And yet I have this sense that if I do avoid my emotions and numb things out, just how destructive it will be at this point in my life, even more so than it ever has been. It’s not that I don’t think I’m allowed to make mistakes, but I also have moments where I can acutely feel that it matters very much whether I go for that chocolate, spend my night watching (non-triggering) movies, or choose to go surround myself with people instead of feeling my aloneness. It feels like I’m walking on a narrow ledge and there is a fatally steep dropoff on either side. I’ve never quite felt the truth about this path being a “narrow way” quite so much as I do right now.

It feels like once real change on this path has started happening for any of us, things will then happen faster and faster, and it becomes that much more dangerous and destructive to try and slow or stop it. It’s like the train has left the station, picked up speed, and jumping off of it would be catastrophic. And the ways we jump off of it are numerous: engaging in addictions, controlling things, justifying avoiding the next set of fears in front of us. And maybe, it’s not necessarily more dangerous or destructive than before to choose avoidance and addictions, but rather we just become more sensitive to and aware of the implications of sin than we were before–I’m not quite sure.

I’m reminding myself that just because I’ve allowed a lot of change already and made a lot of progress in my resistance to change, this is no time to rest on my laurels. Fears will come up in the face of change, I’ll work through those fears and make the changes, and then more fears will come up in the face of the next changes, etc. I can’t try to control things and say, “Ok that was really intense, I need things to slow down so I can breathe for a bit and adjust to what’s changed.” Sounds reasonable, right? Except slowing it down is just fear, plain and simple.

I have had a few more Law of Attraction events that have helped encourage me to keep on keeping on. One day recently I came across a picture with the text again, “You are not alone.” Then after that, my LOA brought me the quote below.

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I’m also learning some lessons about emotional overwhelm. It seems that if we’re really sincere on this path, the emotional overwhelm is going to be very frequent, and maybe during certain phases, constant. What I’m finding is that my bar for what I consider the extent of overwhelm to be is being challenged to a new level. It’s like right when I think I’ve got the overwhelm thing down (and maybe I did for where I was in my progression), deeper and bigger emotions are exposed, and more things happen all at once, and so now the scope of emotional overwhelm is going to be deeper and wider. I remind myself a lot that God made me to handle all my emotions, in their full intensity, even if tons of them are happening all at once.

I also get the sense there are spirits who are rooting for me to fail right now. I can feel them encouraging my self-judgement injuries, fueling my fears and urging me to engage in the physical addictions. I had a terrifying nightmare in the last couple weeks, one that I woke up from feeling total dread, short of breath and tight in my throat, jolted awake when my physical body sort of spasmed and I woke up, as if I came back to my body somewhat violently and suddenly. Of course, dark spirits can only fan the flames of my own emotions I haven’t dealt with yet, so I’m not a victim to them. It doesn’t help that one of my biggest fears is dark spirits–another thing hopefully I’ll start facing soon.

The overarching imperative in all of this is that I must keep seeking to move out of self-reliance and into God-reliance, to build my faith and to pray to God, and most of all, to seek God’s love in the process. To ask for God’s love and grace not to lessen the pain I need to feel through, but rather to love me while I feel it. Jesus’ urge to ask us all to consider, “God is good” has pulled me through so many tough days recently. One of Mary’s older but absolutely golden blogs, found here, has also been treasure for me lately.

So I thought I’d write this blog partly to challenge my belief that if I’m struggling and don’t have much profundity to share, I’d just be wasting time by writing because it’ll be self-indulgent and depressing and won’t help anyone. And yet, if I only post on the blog when I’m through the other side of something and never when things are messy, then I’d just be in facade with this blog anyway. And also, if some of these quotes, songs, thoughts–any of the bits that are helping me right now might help someone else, then I’ll be very happy about that.

With that, I’ll end with this song I stumbled across recently (cheers for God’s LOA again) that I had never heard. Some of the lyrics have helped me connect with some of my own feelings of a lack of faith and brokenness and get into some good tears about it.

*Edit 7/22/16 – I thought to clarify that while parts of the lyrics of this song have helped me many times into sadness and hopelessness and still does, God does not plan broken hearts, and God does not want us to give over our will to Her. I tend to think of those particular lyrics as coming from an error in understanding about God driven by brokenness, when we in error think God has created our pain (which I have indeed had the false belief about). I have thought of the Thy Will lyrics as pertaining to God’s larger will for us all to grow in love. Other lyrics in this song have also moved me deeply, but it felt important to clarify all this.

Love,

Courtney

My First Divine Truth Video + More

Greetings, Friends! I’m stoked that the videos recorded while I was in London are now up!

The first is the video Perry and I did on “Removing Parental Emotions Towards God”, wherein we “discuss the relationship between the emotional injuries we inherit from our family of origin, how we automatically project those same injuries towards our true parent God, and the process of removing our parental emotional injuries so that we can start to develop a real relationship with God based on Truth.”

It was a new experience for me as I’ve never talked to a camera before, but I had so much fun chatting about these topics and absolutely loved the experience of making the video. I love talking about Divine Truth! Makes me want to create a channel. Hmm…

Next, check out Peter, Perry and Nicky’s first public, recorded divine truth seminar, “Introduction to Divine Truth” and after that, the Q&A. I shared a bit about watching them prepare for this seminar behind the scenes and my reflections on desire and taking action; if you want to read that blog, click here.

Happy viewing!

Courtney

A Windy Hilltop and My Faith

I wanted to share about a pretty wonderful law of attraction event I had earlier today that I am feeling really grateful for!

Where I currently live near Salt Lake City, Utah, I am surrounded by the majestic Rocky Mountain range, wherein I am blessed to have access to spectacular nature and hiking trails. In such expanses, I can easily find solitary spots, which are one of the best places for me to feel emotions and pray to God, partly because the beauty of nature has always been such an access point for me in connecting with God’s goodness.

So today I went to the mountains to feel through some big emotions I’m having come up about a lack of faith, hopelessness, and feeling alone in certain areas of my life and growth. Without making it a long post with the specifics (maybe another time), I’m basically realizing that my main prayer needs to be for more faith. In these particular areas, I feel a lack of faith in my own ability to figure out the truth about something or the best course of action, and also a lack of faith in God’s guidance. Despite that I’ve grown faith in other areas of my life in regards to God and myself, obviously my relationship with God is in its infancy and there are still lots of emotional wounds to heal before I can feel a strong sense of faith in God and myself in every area, and with every emotion.

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So I climbed to the top of a hill off the beaten trail in the mountains, and today it was quite windy, so I knew I could go there and be pretty sequestered visually and auditorily while having a good cry. I’d been teary all day, so the full force of the emotions started coming out as soon as I found my little spot. I began crying about my lack of faith and fear of not being able to the truth about certain things, and doubt about receiving guidance. I eventually got to this lifelong feeling of being alone in regards to God, and unsupported in general, sort of a thrown out into the rain to fend for myself by God kind of feeling. Not surprisingly, the only physical pain I have, which I can remember since my pre-teen years, are chronically tight shoulders and neck related to the amount of self-reliance that I haven’t really wanted to be in, but felt I had to be in and the lack of faith that I’m supported completely by God, which causes a general scarcity of relaxation and trust in my life.

So I was having a pretty full-body sob about it and had been sitting there for about twenty minutes in the emotion, my head was in my knees and my eyes were closed, and I was feeling and thinking specifically, “Why do I feel so alone?” “If I have so much love and assistance from God and also my guide, why do I just feel so completely alone in this?” “Why do I have so little faith right now that I’m not alone?” “Why have I always felt so alone almost all of my life?”

Right at this moment, I heard a person run up behind me. I turned around and a man in running gear said simply,

“I didn’t mean to intrude, I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. Whatever it is, you’re not alone.”

… and then he ran off.

And of course, this crystal clear law of attraction event got me into even more grief as in that moment I started to feel just how much God and my guide want me to know I’m not alone even if I don’t believe it yet, so much so that they inspired someone to come remind me at the exact same moment I was thinking those thoughts.

Every time I get a reminder and feeling like that of how God is with me every second, aware of every single feeling I’m having, it just blows me away. It triggers so much grief when I feel the truth about the incredible tender care and complete attentiveness God has for me–all of us–in every moment and every situation, and how God doesn’t miss a single thing that’s happening in our souls. It’s like I get this little budding feeling of how precious each of us are to God and then all the worth-based emotions spill out, of course. And even though I still have much more emotion to go through about the causes of that alone feeling from my childhood, and more to go through before the alone feeling I’ve carried through my life is replaced with faith, this beautiful LOA gift gave me some faith right there and then.

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I’ve always had this feeling of so badly wanting God reliance to be possible, even before finding Divine Truth (though I’ve had used different verbiage than that), but feeling like I dare not get excited about it because it was too good to be true; it wasn’t really something I could trust in. I’ve felt it was naive to think my life wasn’t just solely up to me, that getting my hopes up for something so wonderful from and with God was a dumb fantasy. I’ve also had feelings before that perhaps it was even more noble and spiritual to do it all by myself and maybe that’s why it seemed like I had to.

So now I’m feeling a bit more faith that I can, and God can help me, release the emotions that have caused my feelings of aloneness in my life and doubt that I am supported and guided by God. And even though I still have some of the feeling of not daring to believe in the beauty and gift of God reliance despite how much I love the idea of it, I feel such a feeling of excitement when I let myself believe it’s possible.

Love,

Courtney