I thought I’d share an update on me as I haven’t really since I got back from the DT Training in January. Thought I’d write one partly because many of you are sweet to email and ask me how I’ve been and what I’ve been up to. And so, in some ways it’s more efficient to write updates here, ha. But also, it’s to challenge fears I have about sharing myself, because I’m really uncomfortable writing a long post about me! Not because I want to hide my life or don’t want others to know what’s going on, but rather other fears of sharing myself. So here goes anyway…
Life since returning from Australia has been very up and down, but mostly down. However, reflecting back, I can see that there have been some changes in some of my emotions which is good. In January, I returned to Salt Lake City, Utah, where I’ve been living since early 2016, but which, though stunning in it’s natural landscape, has never really felt great to live in. SLC feels quite oppressive and spirit-saturated, more than elsewhere in the USA I’ve lived and traveled.
I had a few couple of months where I really struggled to re-integrate into life after doing the DT Training. In Australia I felt happier and more alive than I’d ever felt, and it was hard coming back. I struggled with feeling paralyzed, stuck, defeated, trapped, hopeless, angry, scared, lonely, desperate, doomed, sad…. I could keep going. Basically all the bummer emotions. As I talked about in my most recent video, I still sometimes have brief sinks into depression and even suicidal feelings–not that I want to go to the spirit world, just that I don’t want to exist. And those feelings arose occasionally during this time. I discovered how deeply embedded in me are feelings that God doesn’t want me to be happy, wants me to suffer, and will get mad at me if I ever ask for or want anything more in my life. That of course I was back in a sad life after being so happy for a few months, because who was I to think I could be happy? I felt like I’d been banished back into a dark corner because the joy was never really mine to have anyway, and like maybe it’s because God was punishing me and feels I am bad. I also felt all this stuff again when I returned from a trip to England in April (more on that later).
However, feedback I’d received from Jesus and Mary in Aus really pulled me through the collective 7 months I’ve been here, and helped me get into a few emotions (here’s one bit of that feedback). I’ve cried a lot, had a couple good anger releases, and faced some fears standing up to a super angry female housemate I attracted who really hated me (eep!). I’ve read a lot of Alice Miller, re-listened to my feedback over and over, and have tried to redirect myself into dealing with emotions about my childhood and my parents’ treatment of me when I got into those depressive and hopeless places emotionally. Overall, I feel I’ve been able to come to terms with more truth about what happened to me, which has helped, and I do think I’ve worked through some stuff since getting back from Australia. And so while I’ve been angry at/scared of the Law of Attraction a lot of this time, I can now see a lot of the circumstances were perfect for squeezing out of me emotions I needed to feel through.
I also tried to focus on a few goals I had for returning to the USA after the DT Training. They were:
I had never volunteered for Divine Truth before going to Australia, despite having listened to it adamantly for years by that point. I think there were several reasons. First off, for most of of my DT listening years, I was with a partner who hated DT. It caused so many problems in our relationship just for me to watch it, and I can see I pandered to my ex-partner and lived in my fear of her attack and fear of what would happen to the relationship if I really engaged my passion for it beyond watching. It was significantly better in the relationship if Divine Truth was just a side hobby, and the more passionate I became about it, particularly over the last year of the relationship, the worse I was treated. It makes me sad to reflect on how I chose to suppress myself and my happiness so significantly just to avoid fears. All avoiding fear did was waste time and cause more damage.
Additionally, I’ve had a lot of feelings like I’m not in a good enough soul condition to do certain things for/with Divine Truth. This has been an excuse to avoid fear. I’ve realized it’s mostly about desire, and also that engaging desires pulls me through emotions which can improve my condition anyway if I am humble to them. So telling myself I needed to be in a better condition first was to justify my avoidance of fear and avoidance of taking action.
Lastly, I have a huge fear of making mistakes and messing things up. This fear is one that constantly smothers my passion, desire, excitement, and happiness in life and affects everything, and I suspect it won’t go until I take more actions, feel more of this fear that arises when I do, and grieve how I was treated by my parents which created such a huge fear of punishment and rejection for ever doing anything wrong.
So… I did some logging of FAQ questions and ended up really enjoying it a lot, though I did/do still have fears of making mistakes. I really like organization, documentation, data and spreadsheets!
Make changes to my business/challenge emotions through business changes:
Mary and Jesus gave me really awesome feedback on emotions that were affecting how I was doing my business. In short, I was (and still am to an extent), not sharing the full scope of what I’m passionate about regarding God and DT in my business, but rather keeping that private, and therefore suppressing myself and not being honest with everyone. I was also in fear of what certain groups of professional peers would think if I started saying the full truth about the topics I teach about in my business. And lastly, I was hiding sharing myself in all of it–the same issues I described at the start of this post. Some of these choices have been motivated by my fear of ruining my business and not making enough money, but mostly they’ve been about terror of others attacking me and not liking me if I share more of God’s Truth on issues, and most of all if I share more of myself and be myself.
This issue of changing my business was one that I had no humility about for a while. I was excited when I talked with them about it all in Australia, but when I got back, I had this total brick wall of fear up. Jesus and Mary suggested that if I shared myself, was more in harmony with God’s Principles, was more truthful etc., that things could get better, I’d enjoy it more, my business would probably do better, receive more donations, and would be helping more people. But I had this feeling like, “No, that is not true for me.” I had never quite felt like that about any of Jesus and Mary’s feedback before. Fear is so weird, y’all.
I was convinced if I did so, I would inevitably plunge into homelessness, bankruptcy and utter despair and desolation. I was convinced if I did what they suggested, it would ruin my business, my life, and that I would never be able to survive financially, as I barely was already, and that the domino effect would end in everything being much worse than it was. And because it was already not very happy, I couldn’t risk things getting even worse. I always joke with friends that they can give me any scenario whatsoever, and I will figure out how that could somehow end up in disaster. I’m an expert at the path from Anything Point A to Apocalypse Point B.
It took me about 3 months of feeling various emotions to go from JUST NO. to making my first video. Making videos–both on my business youtube channel and my God, Love and Truth one–has been quite interesting. I battle with fears that I’m arrogant and self absorbed every time I make one that includes more sharing of myself and isn’t just nutritional info. I worry that I’m saying the wrong things and going to make mistakes with what I say. Emotions have often been triggered while preparing the outlines and rehearsing for the video, partly in relation to the specific topic I’m sharing about, and partly generally just with sharing myself at all. And so I can see that I have benefitted also from facing my fear of putting myself out there. I don’t really know how to gauge how truly helpful the vids are to others, and most of the time feel like I’m shooting in the dark, but I hope to keep refining myself and dealing with emotions so they can be helpful for others.
So now I talk about Divine Truth in some of my business videos. I talk about Jesus and Mary (I did this before with my clients, just hadn’t much publicly). I’m not totally excluding God from discussions about veganism and food addiction and juicing because I’m afraid people will think I’m nuts or stupid as much as I was before. And guess what? My business hasn’t dissolved into nothing, and I’m not living next to a gutter or have had to take a job that made me more depressed. And I am enjoying operating my business so much more than I was. While the Law of Attraction is showing me I have a lot more emotional work to do in the areas of self worth and money, I have received a bit more donations since making these changes, not less or none like I was convinced I would.
I still have a lot of fear about many things with the videos, and I still feel apologetic about talking a lot about God, so I have a great deal more to work on. But what I’ve experienced so far is that my fear is not always true. That fact is still shocking to me! I am starting to see how important it is to take action despite my fear, to challenge the fear by action, and to not let fear dictate all my life decisions. I always wanted to think I could feel through and deal with my fear before taking action, but I’m not sure that’s actually possible. Taking action, though feels a lot more unstable, is feeling better than despair and flatness of inaction. I’m becoming more aware of the massive amounts of suffering I inflict on myself by justifying and avoiding my fear, and also more about how my fear affects others too.
Figure out how to see Perry:
I suppose this is my first time saying it more publicly and I’m feeling weird writing about it, but there’s a guy… his name is Perry and I feel he’s my soulmate… some of you may know him from videos and the former DT Forum.
His and my story is kind of long, but the short of it is we’ve known each other for nearly 9 years, but for the first 7.5 we were just friends with some sexual projection, of course mostly at a distance being in different countries. Our injuries were so compatible–if you could call it that–such that it never moved farther friends. I was always very drawn and attracted to Perry, but felt he’d never go for a girl like me, didn’t feel good enough for him, and was certain I’d be rejected, so I never said a word, essentially concluding there’d be no point in me doing so. His injuries were such that though he had some attraction and affection for me, I don’t have the emotional injuries he’s been most attracted to, and being around me has always triggered uncomfortable emotions in him, and so he never said anything either. There are also other emotions on both of our sides that contributed to that 7.5 years of mostly-avoidance, but at the moment those are some of the big ones we’re aware of.
After 7.5 years, I was terrified to, but confessed some of my feelings, found out to my total surprise that he’d had feelings for me too (I had no clue before then), and then we’ve been trying to figure out our relationship ever since then. We’ve been gifted lots of feedback from Jesus and Mary and have tons and tons to work through. I often feel I’d like to share a bit more about what what’s happened in our relationship and particularly the feedback we’ve received, in case it could help others with various soulmate emotions and relationship issues, particularly for couples with similar injuries/dynamics as we have, but also I don’t feel confident sharing about relationships as I’ve got so much stuff there. So we’ll see.
I went to England and spent the month of April with Perry, and am now planning to go back for a longer period of time next month. Jesus told me that Perry and I both have emotions of being content with a certain distance, with Perry being in England and me being in America, and if we get too close we’ll get triggered, and if we get too far away we’ll get triggered, so we feel comfortable with a certain distance between us. I am discovering just how true that us for me! I often feel so much warmth and love for him, but I’m also scared of actually engaging a soulmate relationship. So I would like to challenge those fears, and I just feel there’s a heap of stuff in me that simply never gets triggered when I’m on my own as I’ve mostly been recently, and stuff that seems to not be triggered except by Perry specifically. So while I have fears, I’m also really excited to go back to England and also excited to hopefully get through some more stuff.
And after England (because there’s a limit on how long I can stay there), I’m really wanting to go back to Australia to volunteer as I just loved the DT Training and my time in Oz so, so, so much. I look back on it and am still blown away I got to do it; I can’t believe how lucky I am to have. And would just love so much to help in any way I can. I adore it!
So that’s me for now.
P.S. If anyone discovers how to transport instantly, please let me know because that would help immensely in the juggling of three continents. 😉