If you’ve read my last blog about the The Divine Truth Training Program, you may have been able to garner how much I loved it. It was the best experience of my life and the biggest gift I’ve ever received. Every time I recall any part of it, I find myself staring off at nothing, lost in an incredulous feeling that I got to do it. I could gush about it endlessly.
Sometimes though, when lost in that grateful and stunned feeling, the recollection of something else makes my stomach knot in an instant. And that is remembering how I very nearly missed the entire experience–by my own choice.
To explain, I’ll need to backtrack a bit. For about three months before my arrival in Australia, I had been really lucky to participate in monthly mentoring groups for those desiring to assist in sharing Divine Truth with the world. Sharing DT has been my #1 desire for years; but something I’d not dared to let my heart run with–due to fears, feelings I have about desires, and feelings about myself. It was really generous on Jesus and Mary’s part to invite me along as I’d not actually acted on that desire yet.
Jesus and Mary had extended the invitation for the Training Program to a few people, but asked me in particular to please consider whether sharing Divine Truth was really my passion as I had not shown that through any actions thus far. I thought I’d considered it; going was all I could really think about and I wanted to do it so much, so I emailed to say I’d like to do it. I was accepted and booked my plane tickets.
Shortly after, we had another mentor meeting, and some of my questions regarding the upcoming experience and how I was not sure what I’d do after I got back home revealed that I hadn’t been as sincere as I was telling myself I had been in my examining my desires in the way that Jesus and Mary asked me to, and which needed to be the basis of going. They reminded me that a lot of resources and time from a lot of people would be going into the training and asked me that by the time I came, to have a definite feeling that sharing Divine Truth is what I want to do with my life, otherwise training me would not be a good use of resources. They were so very kind and loving as they are in every instance, and they are perfectly reasonable things to have asked of me–and I did feel that then–but I took things and twisted it in my own mind, and spiraled. Even listening back to that mentor meeting now, I marvel at how I missed all the encouraging things they said and fixed on just a couple things, and then twisted them completely. Spirits then took hold of those things and exploited them as well.
I spiraled in terror, and bad feelings about myself, and got very spirit attacked. I’ve never experienced anything like it: for weeks I couldn’t eat because I felt constantly like I could throw up. I had insomnia for the first time in my life, and when I did sleep, I’d often jolt awake violently in the middle of the night feeling choked or with a stabbing feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t concentrate or think straight; I was in a fog and struggled to work or get anything done. I spent entire days in bed crying and shaking and having no clue what to do about it or often why I even was. I would sometimes be walking around trying to do something in the house, suddenly have this dread come over me and my legs would physically lose their strength and I’d just have to lay down for a long time.
My head was going a million miles a minute at all times and here’s what it looked like on repeat. Many of these I wrote in my journal at the time:
This is the worst idea ever. You shouldn’t be going. You’re not sincere at all. Who do you think you are anyway? It’s going to be a disaster if you go. It’d be a miracle if you made it through without being kicked out; in fact it’s pretty much guaranteed you would be. You’re being selfish even considering going when you’ve done nothing helpful with Divine Truth. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re not ready and you’re arrogant to even think you might be. You can’t get to where you need to be within six weeks, it’s impossible. You’re clearly delusional about your supposed desire to share DT. You’re just going to disappoint Jesus and Mary and waste their time.
I’m terrible at taking action on anything, so what’s the point of getting trained? And what about the person I think is my soulmate? Am I just going to make plans for after the training without him? It’s an awful idea to go, it’s better if I wait longer, then maybe I’ll be ready at some point. Besides, the customs agents might not like that I’m doing something with Jesus and Mary for several months; they might not even let me through. And if I do get through the whole experience, I might ruin myself financially by not working for that long. It’s just too risky; one thing goes wrong and I’m screwed in so many ways. The whole thing is too risky and I’m not ready.
And so… after a few weeks in this place, I changed my plane tickets to only come for the Assistance Group and not for the training after. I had a brief thought before I did, “Maybe I should email J&M first before I change them, about my considering doing so?” but then had the thought You’ve wasted enough of their time, don’t bother them even more. Just make your own decision for once and be done with it.
And so, I paid the money to change my tickets. For a day and a half, I was like a sick person that’d become miraculously healthy again. I felt back to normal: I could focus again, work again, sleep again, eat again. It all felt much “better”. Then I emailed Jesus and Mary about the update, why I did it and how I wanted to come still, but later when I was more ready. I was fully convinced they’d agree I made the responsible choice and that my assessments were right.
To my surprise–though maybe not to yours reading this–that did not happen. (wink) Jesus and Mary gifted me feedback on the emotional injuries that had motivated my rational in not coming to the training. Fears had motivated my decision: fears of not being good enough, inadequate, making a mistake, not being able to cope (Not surprisingly, many of these are the exact same fears that have caused me to not take action in sharing Divine Truth). In this place, I convinced myself I was being logical and rational when I was actually being the opposite. And that’s what living in fear does: it makes us think we’re being reasonable when we’re not.
I then paid the money to change the plane tickets back for the longer stay. So in the end I got to go after all, though the money lost was one of the compensations of my acting in fear. As soon as I changed them back, I was right back to how I felt before changing them. Though it wasn’t quite as bad, most of those feelings I’d mentioned above came back and I had a lot more sleepless nights, unproductive days and nausea. In fact, right up to the minute I got on the plane, I had an inevitable doom feeling like I was convinced somehow wasn’t going to make it there and really shouldn’t be going anyway. On the plane I had a meltdown, and even when I got to Noosaville I had a meltdown as soon as I checked into the accommodation. I took one look around, felt a nervous breakdown coming on, and thought:
This is the dumbest move you’ve ever made. You’re not going to make it through these whole 9.5 weeks, what are you even doing here? What’s the point? And now you’ve wasted money on your plane changes, too. You can’t do anything right. Always living in fear, always fucking up.
I cried for hours though probably not productively but rather in the same stuff as before. The severity of these feelings subsided a lot when I saw Jesus and Mary and felt their love and care for me, felt the atmosphere of love that bobbles around like a lovely cloud around them all the time, and when I started to work through some emotions about how I’ve been treated in my life that have caused a lot of the injuries that drive these apocalyptic, obsessive terror spirals. And within about a week of being in Noosaville, I was starting to feel a kind of joy and desire I’ve never felt before, which grew over the time I was in Australia.
Later, during the weeks in the countryside, I chatted with Jesus and Mary a few more times about it. Mary said to me about my returning home after the training,
“The problem will be if you just go back and go ‘It’s all too hard, I can’t, there’s too much to do, I’m not good enough, I’ll stuff it up anyway’–kinda similar to that state you went into before you came of just like ‘No!’ And tell yourself it’s not a real desire and it’s not valid from God’s Perspective and then just bow out… You avoided the fear so much that you got to the point where you ended up rationalizing your inaction.”
That last line has stuck with me almost daily since being back. I often ask myself now, “Am I avoiding my fear and rationalizing inaction?”
And here’s the thing: while J&M gifted me the feedback in response to my initial changed plans, they didn’t have to. The reality is, it was my decision to back out of the training, and my (terror and error-based) desire, and they were under no obligation to inform me of what was going on with me even though they could see it clearly. They were extremely clear in all their ample feedback to me; it was me who made a series of decisions based on my own injuries. They said they’d considered leaving me with my desire and choice without saying too much, but felt perhaps it’d be an opportunity to learn about what happens when I avoid and live in my fear. And has it ever been! I don’t even know how to say how grateful I am they replied to my email with the gift more extensive feedback. I feel like they saved my life. Well, for realz–how many times have they and their teachings saved my life?! I would have assumed I made the right choice for the right reasons, left after the AG back home, and it may have been years or decades, or maybe not till being in the spirit world before I thought, “Hang on a sec, was that the right choice?” And then imagine the regret!! I could have easily missed out on the biggest opportunity and gift I’ve ever been offered in my life, and who knows what I would have missed out on as a flow-on effect of skipping the training. It makes me a bit nauseous to even think about how close I was to affecting my life for so long with just one decision made in the honoring of fear.
I wanted to share this story in case it might help others recognize how the avoidance of fear and living in fear–as well as bad feelings about ourselves–can cause us to rationalize decisions that are illogical, out of harmony with love, and aren’t beneficial for us. How justifying the fear can mean we miss major opportunities which would have been beneficial for our growth.
I still have enough fear that I am in danger of making similar big fear-based choices in the future again. I am still driven by fear in almost every situation. But I’m desiring more to see the truth of how justifying my fears has affected my life in the past, is affecting my life now, and how it could affect it in the future if I don’t begin dealing with some. In the weeks when I was booked in for the longer training, my fears were being triggered, but I was not dealing with them, but rather living in them. But during those few days in which my tickets were no longer for the training, I felt great, but it wasn’t because I’d done the good thing. It was because I’d completely put the lid on something that was triggering terror for me. I had entirely shut the whole process down, the spirits lifted, and that’s why I felt so much better. Looking back, this is what I’ve done continuously in my life: gone through periods–years–in a particular situation, stagnant, coasting, rarely feeling afraid of much. Rarely triggered, because my life was so set up with addictions, I’d controlled enough circumstances as possible, and most of all, was constantly turning away from any triggering situations. So, I felt “good” most of the time. But it is sobering to see what this prison we create for ourselves with our fear is really like.
I have to–and we all have to–be careful about getting into judgment about fear. I’ve gotten very self-punishing and judgmental about how fear-driven I am, but that’s also not going to help any of us deal with the fear. I’m tentative to say much of anything about how to process fear, but what I’m focusing on right now is taking more actions which trigger my fears, feeling a little more of them, and rather than blaming and judging myself for my having so much fear, instead seeing the fears my parents had themselves that were forced upon me and taught to me as truths about life and God, and also how their bad treatment of me created other fears and bad feelings about myself, and feeling the grief of all that.
Resources for learning about fear
Mary’s blogs on fear (my fave is “Living In Fear & the Freedom to Choose Differently“)
This particular mediumship on fear is also a favorite for me: 04 Aug 11 Mediumship with Mary & Jesus–Jesus Speaks with Cynthia–Helping A Group Of Fearful Women