Emotional Expression Part 4: Reflections

This is part 4 on my series about opening up to emotional expression. To read the previous posts in this series, click here for Part 1, click here for Part 2, and click here for Part 3.

It’s now been about 2 years since all of these incidents. I was able to feel through a heap of emotions in both of these experiences with my parents; fear for the first time, and also anger and grief. I don’t know how soon I would have gotten to those emotions otherwise.

I still have many emotions to feel about these events and about my childhood, and I still have many issues with emotional expression and facade, but these experiences helped me and taught me a lot.

I want to reiterate that this blog is not meant to be a prescriptive suggestion for what you should do in your interactions with your parents. All these choices to confront and express with my parents were ones I made on my own as experiments. But I wanted to write this to share what I feel the experiences showed me about issues that we all face.

The Aftermath

My dad never got in touch to see me before I moved. He told everyone that I have fabricated everything I’ve ever said he did to me or to others. He has convinced my brothers and his side of the family of this as well. He has not been in touch with me in the last 2 years and I suspect he has blocked my phone number and email.

My grandmother on my Dad’s side passed and I was not invited to her funeral nor told at all about the death by anyone in the immediate family. I found out later, accidentally.

My mom has also stopped talking to me completely in the last 2 years. She also didn’t want to see me before I moved countries, and she has not responded at all to the few emails and texts I’ve sent her since then. I’ve had a grandparent, an uncle, and a cousin die on her side of the family and I wasn’t invited to any funerals, nor was I told that they passed. Rather I found out later from cousins.

My parents both sought out my brothers to get them on their “side” after these events, which is a pattern they’ve engaged my whole life. I did not tell my brothers about any of the interactions with my parents nor involve them at all. My parents hate each other, but both feel the same way towards me, and have wanted my brothers and other family members to attack me. I also had an interaction with my grandfather where I shared in an email how I honestly felt about family dynamics. After hearing about all these interactions with my parents and grandfather, one of my brothers sent me a few emails saying things like,

“The most abusive person in the family, most angry, delusional and damaging person I’ve met in my life is you. I truly wish you figure out what’s making you so unhappy, but honestly hope I never hear from or about you again. You bring nothing but pain.”

“Like a child, you make things up to put others down to build yourself up. This is good bye, good luck, I don’t miss you and I don’t plan ever to hear from you again. I can’t think of a time in the last 15 years you’ve made anyone’s life better. If anyone chooses not to sever ties, that’s their choice but this is the last conversation I’ll have with or about you.”

This brother has since had a child of his own, again which nobody told me about nor has invited me to meet. My other brother just stopped talking to me without any direct confrontation.

While these messages from my brother are harsh and I do have hurt to feel about it, I recognize that my siblings are only reflecting the precise emotions that my parents have towards me. Both my parents saw these emails from my brother and didn’t say anything, and the reason for that is that they have trained my brother to feel this way about me and so these are their feelings towards me exactly. My parents (and grandparents) feel glad when my brothers attack and reject me. My brothers were also abused in many ways and I am older than them, so I saw the pain created in them as little boys, that they now want to avoid.

My brothers are attacking and rejecting me in an effort to avoid their own pain with our parents and about their own childhoods. I have compassion for that. That being said, I am grieving the loss of my brothers and still miss them a lot.

My family’s preferred mode of punishment and abuse has tended to be to initially attack me and tell me that I am a terrible person, and then after that, to completely ignore me. The “You’re dead to me” projection is the primary punishment in my family, and my dad has even said that to me directly in the past. My mom has the same feeling, but due to her heavy facade, hasn’t said the actual statement, but her behavior has been much the same as my dad’s. This has been their response to my honest emotional expression.

So since all of this, most all of my family has cut me out, with the exception of a couple of cousins. I am also in touch with my 9 year old half-sister. But that is it.

I am finding it extremely difficult to work through being hated by most of my family, but I have to say that I don’t regret any of the efforts I went to finding out what the truth really is. While losing most all my family has been so hard, it has absolutely been worth it. It’s not worth keeping our family “close” and together if it means living in delusion and having our emotional expression continue to be suffocated. It now feels obvious how awful of a trade that is to make.

Opening to Emotional Expression

Now I’d like to share some of what I learned from these experiences with my family, and how I feel that it might be relevant for others in exploring their issues with emotional expression. Everyone’s situation is unique but I wanted to share to encourage exploration and maybe save others some time and heartache.

Some of what I learned:

1) I can trust my intuition as to what I suspect my parents’ real motivations and feelings are, rather than self-doubting.

Not only was I bang-on in my intuition about what my parents’ real feelings were towards me, it was even worse than I had thought. So not only was I not exaggerating or being paranoid, in fact the suspicions of what I thought the truth might be, still didn’t go far enough.

When I had these experiences with my parents, I’d been listening to Divine Truth for 9 years and I’d had personal feedback about my parents from Jesus and Mary. I started unraveling the truth about my dad when I went to therapy 16 years prior. So after 16 years since starting on looking at childhood stuff and 9 years listening to DT, I really thought I understood the truth of what happened in my childhood and I really thought I accurately saw my parents for who they are. I thought I got it.

But even after that amount of time studying my family and listening to Divine Truth, if you would have asked me if my mom would be cold and cruel in my deepest moment of vulnerability with her, and after only one sole time expressing my emotions with her, totally cut me out of her life, I would have said ‘No, she’s not that bad. She wouldn’t do that. She’s my mother after all.’

If you would have asked me if my dad was capable of killing women, of severe violence and abuse, I would have said ‘No, he’s very emotionally abusive, but he’s not going to kill someone. Just because he gets angry and spanked me doesn’t mean he’s murderous.’

If you would have asked me if I thought my family would eventually not invite me to funerals and not tell me about family deaths or births, and appear to decide to never talk to me again, I would have said ‘No, they’ve got major issues but they’re reasonable people.

But I was wrong about all of that, even after all that time and study and feedback. I am not judging myself for being wrong about it. Rather I’m emphasizing this to help others reflect on the potential that they might think they know the truth about their parents, but don’t actually know. I needed to trust myself and not doubt any of what I suspected, because in the end all of what I suspected was true. If I had trusted what I thought might be true, it would have allowed me to explore what the truth was, and access emotions sooner. From what I have observed, most everyone downplays the truth of their parents’ feelings and demands on them.

2) Not knowing the full truth of my parents’ motivations and feelings towards me cut me off from accessing and feeling important emotions for my growth.

I could not access certain deeper emotions unless I knew what the truth was about the threats I’ve always been under since conception, and what the real motivations and feelings were from my parents towards me.

During the experiences as well as in the last 2 years, I have been able to get into layers of rage and sadness that I would not have been able to access had my parents’ true feelings not been exposed. Their true colors were only fully exposed when I emotionally expressed myself. The truth did not get exposed to anywhere near the same level when I just talked and said (albeit confronting) words, but controlled all of my unbridled, messy emotional expression.

Before these experiences, I truly believed that emotional expression wouldn’t expose any additional emotions within me. I thought, “I’ve already confronted my parents and told them the issues, what more could come out emotionally now?” What would be the difference, really? But I was so wrong. The difference between emotionally expressing and not, could not be underestimated. Heaps of emotion poured out of me only when I finally faced some terror of emotionally expressing myself.

Also, there were so many patterns and tendencies that I have which I was quite confused about before these experiences, but which I now understand so much better. It is a huge relief to feel much more clear about yourself and why you do what you do, feel what you feel, and have the problems that you have. So many more things in my life and my past now make sense. This also means I feel certain issues are far more solve-able than I felt they were before, because I was just so damn confused. It’s helped my clarity and faith a lot.

3) What my parents said to me about always loving me and the kind of people they say they are, was never true. It was a complete lie.

I was still, to some extent, believing what my parents had always said to me. As I mentioned before, an issue in my family is heavy facade, even within the family, behind closed doors. As a child, my parents, particularly my mom, presented a huge facade about their love for me, while their treatment was very different. They also have very heavy facades about being great people generally. And so even as of a few years ago, I somewhat still believed what everyone said. I believed that my dad would never threaten my life, that my mom would never abandon her children. But the things my parents said about how they cared about me didn’t have a shred of truth.

It is emotional to come to terms with the fact that your entire childhood and relationship with your parents simply wasn’t real. It was a house of cards that the truth could have easily blown over in an instant. But the truth is helping me heal and helping me with opening to a relationship with my true parent, God.

4) The threats, judgements, and projections towards me about my emotional expression are a part of what created my facade.

There have been so many teachings I’ve imbibed about emotional expression, such as that an emotionally messy woman is disgusting, pathetic and utterly unattractive. An angry woman is the the worst kind of woman. Having anger of any kind makes you a shocking, abusive person. You are a horrible person if you’re upset with your parents. You must hide your emotions from others and be respectable. I have felt that crying means you’re weak and can’t handle life well and demonstrates you’re a bit of a failure of a human. My family views my emotions as evidence in their beliefs that I’m mentally ill and crazy.

I have internalized these beliefs and judgements about my own emotion and about similar emotional expressions in others as well. This is a part of what created the facade I ended up having, involving appearing “nice”, “together” and “mature” etc. As a child this facade helped me avoid anger and grief, and helped me avoid a lot of fear and terror related to the threats from my parents if I didn’t have this facade. My facade was in many ways a huge protective barrier for perceived safety. A lot of scary things would have happened if we emotionally expressed ourselves as children.

I can see the logic that now I don’t need that facade, I am not a captive child in my parents’ home. So now I can deconstruct my facade if I wish, which is something I’ve done a little bit of but still need to really decide to do. But in any case, I have a bit more compassion about my facade than I did before. These experiences helped me see that there are reasons I have and want a facade, it’s not just that I’ve got some weird dark problem of wanting to be fake for no reason, or that desire for facade is a personality flaw. It is inevitable I ended up with a facade, given the threats about emotional expression that I was under and the judgements I was systematically attacked with. I do not need to condemn and judge myself for wanting and having a facade, rather I need to just learn about how to get rid of it now.

I also have more compassion for myself and my rigidity and desire for emotional control. I have a little more compassion for the immense rage I’ve carried my whole life, and I have a small sense of how life-changing it will be for me when I am willing to get more into the grief of all of it. Judging myself a bit less and having some more compassion is helping things progress emotionally.

Final Thoughts

The likelihood is that my parents will never talk to me again on Earth. So now I try to visually imagine my parents in front of me and try having emotional expression and see what comes up. I also find it helpful to think of situations throughout my childhood and teenage years when I shut my emotional expression down, and re-imagine that exact same scenario if I had expressed. This has exposed more truth about what resulting abuse would have been likely, and also an opportunity to feel the emotions I never got to feel and say what I never got to say. I will say that this strategy has not brought up the fear that came up when I was actually in front of my parents, but has helped to get to some anger and sadness.

It seems the threats from our parents if we honestly express our emotions can be immense. We can be cast out, rejected, blamed, shamed, accused of fabricating everything, and told we are horrible people. They may never talk to us again for our whole lives, they may want to physically harm, rape, or kill us. They might want to sabotage our life in some way. Our parents’ true colors often do not come out until we are honestly emotionally expressive. I didn’t at all understand the true conditions I was placed under with my parents until I was expressive.

It has been revolutionary for me to consider that God doesn’t feel about my emotional expression the way my parents feel about it. I have always, without realizing it, assumed God would be as horrified and disgusted by my emotional expression as my parents are. It is strange and liberating to feel like God doesn’t judge me screaming my head off in the woods, or feeling scared, or crying hard and often and easily.

I want to acknowledge Divine Truth and Jesus and Mary as the teachers of Divine Truth for sharing the information they have and for assisting me with personal feedback. I’d never have gotten to the emotions and truths that I have without their teachings. Truly, all that I’ve experienced and realized with my family has been thanks to the fact I’ve heard Divine Truth and been given personal assistance by Jesus and Mary.

To wrap up, I wanted to give some journaling prompt ideas and also video recommendations.

First though, I wanted to mention that I’ve had a couple of questions emailed to me about my experiences I’ve written about in these blogs. I am thinking about possibly doing a Part 5 of the series that would be a Q&A, if there are any additional questions to the ones I’ve received. If your questions are about emotions or facade generally, it would be much better to watch the Divine Truth material than to ask me. But if you have questions about my personal experience and process then I am happy to take those and maybe answer them in another post. So if you do want to send, please email me at godloveandtruth {at} gmail.com

If you’re interested in learning more about emotions and the fear of emotional expression, the Divine Truth videos that I recommend are:

Facing My Fear of Emotions videos

Videos about facade

Emotions and Feelings FAQ playlist


I am a big fan of journaling prompts, and so here are some of my ideas that you could journal about with regards to the topics I’ve talked about in these posts:

If you were to not doubt yourself, what are your suspicions of the worst case scenario of what your parents really feel about your unedited emotional expression?

If you were to not doubt yourself, what are your suspicions of the worst case scenario of what your parents might have done to you if you had consistent, unedited emotional expression?

What emotions did you openly display in front of your parents as a child, if any? Not just the words you said (though that’s a part of it), but the full, unedited, unrestrained expression of emotion?

Did you express anger around your parents? Did you cry in front of them? Were you ever very emotionally messy with them?

Were you allowed the expression of some emotions, but not others?

Was it different with one parent than the other, or with your other caregivers?

Did you ever notice a difference in your freedom to emotionally express compared with your friends’ families or portrayed on TV?

Why might you be hesitant about or resistant to the idea of emotionally expressing?

What judgements towards yourself (and others) do you have about being emotionally expressive?

In what ways might not knowing the truth about your parents’ threats and conditions be limiting your growth and your life?

Well, I think that’s it for now from me on this series. I just want to recommend being careful about your self-doubt, and also recommend looking at the judgements and fears you have about emotional expression. I am so glad that I understand more now and have more truth and have been able to access emotions that I couldn’t before. It’s much better!

All the best,

Courtney

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Photos 1 and 2 by stormseeker via Unsplash

Photo 3 by Tarek Correa via Unsplash

Photo 4 by Faris Mohammed via Unsplash

Emotional Expression Part 3: Dad and Me

To read the previous posts in this series, click here for Part 1 and click here for Part 2.

This is Part 3 of this series about what I’ve learned about emotional expression in the last couple years. This blog post will be about experiences I’ve had with and regarding my dad in the last couple years, that has helped me to understand his affect on my struggle with emotional expression.

As I mentioned in my first blog of this series, I have never expressed anger with my dad, and rarely has he seen me cry. Being around my dad has always sent my anxiety sky-high and I would fully “freeze” in his presence. I’d barely breathe, my body would go numb, my throat and belly would clench and I’d often struggle to talk at all, much less emote. I would get quite stiff and quiet around my dad which I now recognize as terror. I think I have often totally gone out of body and dissociated when around him.

I have been aware of my dad’s unloving behavior since I was a teenager, when I had a short stint in therapy, and the therapist was the first person to help me see my dad was abusive.

Growing up with my dad, he sometimes would grab me roughly or shove me, and would scare the family by slamming fists on tables or slamming doors or suddenly yelling etc. He also spanked me a few times but this was considered normal in my Christian upbringing. Because his physically aggressive outbursts weren’t daily or weekly, and didn’t leave me bruised or bleeding, no one thought they were an issue. One time in my childhood he grabbed me and kissed me on the lips and it completely freaked me out. Often I would notice him looking at me too long and it made me feel terrified and ashamed.

Later in my adulthood, more stories about my dad came out. My mom told me that when I was a baby in the car with them, my dad purposefully drove into the curb to scare everyone because he was angry about some destination direction mixup. She also said that once after I left for a school dance as a teenager, my dad remarked that I looked “smoking hot”.

So I already had some awareness of his creation of my struggle with emotional expression in my childhood. My dad is very narcissistic and abusive, and gets a sadistic sort of pleasure from pulling down others, wants power and control over everyone in his environment, and desires to harm people emotionally. He is very manipulative and blaming.

In the years since I was a teenager, my relationship with my dad was on and off and overall rocky. We would often be in touch for a short period of time before he attacked and I drew a boundary and then sometimes we were not in touch for a few years.

Because of my fear of my dad, nearly all my correspondence with my dad has been over email, letter or text. I have always been too afraid to even confront him live on the phone. His responses to my confronting him via email or letter have always been the same: that I am the abusive one, I’ve harmed him severely, I am to blame and he hasn’t done anything wrong.

One time in my early twenties I told him I’d only attend his wedding if he went to a therapy session with me, so we went to one. I tried to share how I felt but his emotional abuse was so bad that the therapist couldn’t keep him civil and herself seemed terrified of him.

Prior to the events I’ll share from a couple years ago, I had come to terms with the fact that my dad was abusive. I had also realized he had sexually predatory feelings towards me. I had known for a long time that a real relationship with him was not possible, and unlike with my mom, I never really tried or hoped for one. I didn’t try to convince him about issues, and I didn’t have the same feelings of desperation that he see what he’d done and validate it like I felt with my mom. I think I had just given up on that a long time ago.

However, because the experiment with my mom had helped me access previously repressed emotions and revealed some really important truth, I wanted to see if I could also experiment with my dad. However, I knew it was a long shot that he’d even agree to see me at all.

But wanted to try, so I texted my dad, which was the our first contact in about 5 years, to ask if I could meet up with him before I moved to England to discuss our relationship. He texted back only, “Not unless the first words out of your mouth are apologies.”

This is one of his abuse tactics, so I knew I would not be able to meet up with my dad unless I groveled and admitted I was horrible, which of course I wasn’t going to do. However I wanted to try to experiment with emotional expression with him somehow. So, a few days later I decided to try to call him. I knew he very likely wouldn’t pick up, especially knowing it was me calling, but it was a huge fear to call him and risk a live conversation, so I wanted to see what would happen for me emotionally if I did.

It took me an hour to call him. Every time I’d get close to calling, I would nearly pass out. My hands would shake and my throat would close up, I felt like I could throw up and then I felt lightheaded. I kept cycling through all these physical sensations of fear. This was only the second time I think I’ve properly felt fear in my life, with the first time being with my mom.

In the process I realized it was a different sensation and a different kind of fear than with my mom, though in both cases I was feeling terror. With my dad, it was like a terror of physical danger and of physical violence, like I could be physically attacked and die. Whereas with my mom, I am not afraid for my life with her, however I did feel terror of a different kind with her. It was an odd thing to experience this terror with trying to call my dad, because he didn’t know where I lived and couldn’t access me, so why would I have this seemingly mortal terror of physical safety?

I eventually called and he did not pick up, but I left a short, shaky and teary voicemail saying I wanted to deal with issues but he needed to want to as well, and that what he’d done to me wasn’t ok. I had rarely shown that kind of emotion with my dad, even if it was for only a short voicemail. I cried for a while after leaving the voicemail, and it was good to get some more sadness out.

A few weeks later and unrelated to this attempt to contact him, I found out that a couple years prior, my dad had nearly choked his then-partner to death after years of physical abuse including other choking incidents and threats to kill her. He also told this woman that when my mom decided she wanted to divorce my dad, that he considered killing my mom and himself afterwards.

I also found out that years ago he’d been physically violent with some young boys, sons of some of his friends, which of course, had caused fallout with those friends.

This was all earth-shattering for me to learn.

Why?

Well, reading this you might not be that surprised given the background I gave before, but I had no idea my dad was capable of this. My parents were together for about 23 years and he had never choked, hit, or threatened to kill my mom or my brothers and I. I thought, my dad was definitely toxic, but not like this.

I say I had no idea he would do this, but then when the revelation came out that my dad had nearly killed a woman, I realized I’d always known this. Suddenly it made sense to me why I’d always had this level of terror with my dad, and a feeling that my dad could kill me or be incredibly violent. Over the years I would sometimes think to myself or tell friends that I suspected my dad could kill me, but I’d dismiss myself as paranoid and dramatic. My family also always reinforces that I make things up and exaggerate everything and am crazy. So my self-doubt had been huge.

I realized that the only reason he hadn’t choked or nearly killed us was that we were extraordinarily subservient and submissive to my dad. We never stood up for ourselves. We were truly like meek cult followers in the Christian household I grew up in, with my dad at the helm as the cult leader. In particular for my mom and I as the women, it was accepted that he was the superior and we were the inferiors and that we were lucky to be in his presence. Our roles were clearly defined and we obeyed.

In contrast, the woman he abused was not as subservient and she did stand up for herself to some extent and called out his behavior, which he responded to with severe violence. My dad has been far more severely violent with women than men, and so it also confirmed my suspicions that I grew up with a dad who hates women and is a misogynist and chauvinist (also evidenced by many other patterns of behavior that he has).

Additionally, I found out that my dad had even made comments in public situations about my body, telling people how great he thought it was that I had bigger boobs than my mom did or how hot I looked at times. So I found out what I had always suspected but also self-doubted about, which was just how sexually predatory my dad was towards me. This had always been a topic of confusion for me as I wasn’t sexually abused in the traditional sense. I might not be remembering something, but my sense is that I don’t have any forgotten memories of overt sexual abuse. Rather, it helped me realized the sexual threat was severe and was there constantly, and this is why I have had some of the symptoms of sexual abuse victims.

So while I didn’t get to experiment with emotionally expressing myself with my dad like I did with my mom, I still learned a lot. And anyway, it wouldn’t be safe or self-loving to put myself in his presence unless it was in a public or safe setting where he couldn’t physically harm me. But a lot of emotion flowed before and after the attempt to call him to emotionally express myself, and a lot of emotion flowed following the truth I’d found out about my dad.

The truth coming out like this helped me realize that if I had emotionally expressed myself with my dad in my childhood, particularly about any of his issues, or his treatment of me, the threat I was under was severe physical violence and even death.

Because our family were so perfectly pandering to him, we didn’t see the truth of what he was actually capable of; what was actually in him all along. Severe violence was always a second away, but it didn’t come out for many decades due to the pandering we did. He didn’t need to be violent, because we were already so successfully oppressed in our emotional expression.

I think there is a lot in this for many people out there to consider about their parent(s). I am not saying all parents are under-the-surface murderous; of course not all are on the end of the spectrum that my dad is. But how many of us tell ourselves, Yes, ok, I was spanked a few times. I was yelled at a bit too. But my parent wouldn’t have killed me.

Or how many of us tell ourselves, Yes, ok, my parent looked at my body a bit too long at times as I was growing up, but they weren’t sexually predatory towards me.

It is so easy to tell ourselves stories about what our parents are and aren’t capable of, when really we don’t know because we haven’t honestly emotionally expressed ourselves with them.

All of this furthered my understanding that my dad also influenced me to have a facade of emotional control and “niceness”. I was the safest with him if I had zero emotional expression of any kind.

And while the big revelation with my dad at this point was that the threat to not emotionally express myself was violence and death, I have also continued to reflect on other aspects of his emotional oppression of me. My dad is completely shut down emotionally and sees emotions as indulgent, and unnecessary. He violently hates and detests emotion. To him, fear and sadness in indicate weakness and mean that you’re a failure of a human, most definitely not respectable. These judgements extend to both women and men.

However because my dad also has significant chauvinistic and misogynistic feelings towards women, if a woman cries around him, his feeling is, Of course, a woman crying again, just typical behavior of the weak, pathetic creatures that they are. He projected disgust at my crying and generally feels women crying are whining and moaning. He feels that emotionally expressive women are unattractive and ugly. He has only ever been cold, rejecting, abandoning, and judgemental towards my sadness.

As a child, he would often make fun of my fears, and make me feel stupid and weak for having them. He would laugh at them and make jokes about them and it would make me feel incredibly small and dumb. At other times, he would say or do things in order to purposefully increase my fear, in some kind of sadistic taunt, even though he wasn’t afraid of that same thing. He often seemed to get pleasure from making me even more afraid.

And now I know that an emotional expression of anger from me could have been met with physical violence or death. In addition to the physical threat, my dad would also have projected an angry woman is evil, shocking, unattractive and disgusting. He, like my mom, projects that my emotional expression is hurting him and illustrates that I am a bad person.

This has been a very emotional thing to come to terms with my dad, but also indescribably validating in explaining so many of my issues.

In the next and last part of this series, I’ll share a bit more about what I’ve learned from these experiences with both of my parents about emotional expression, self-doubt and facade.

Love,

Courtney

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Photo 1 by Karl Fredrickson via Unsplash

Photo 2 by Peter Lloyd via Unsplash

Photo 3 by Reymark Franke via Unsplash

Emotional Expression Part 2: Mom and Me

For Part 1 of this series, click here.

This blog is about the experiment and experiences with emotional expression in my relationship with my mom a couple years ago. For a couple years, I’d been aware that I was resisting dealing with mother emotions, in particular anger at her and how she has treated me over my life. Jesus and Mary had helped me see I was wanting to stay in an angry place and not wanting to feel the pain underneath it all. I am still in that place to a large extent, though not as stubbornly as I was, and have now been able to access some other deeper feelings too.

I knew that my not dealing with my mother-based emotions was affecting my relationships with other women as well as with emotional expression, my self-esteem, facade, creativity and more.

I also was planning on moving to England to be with my husband Perry, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to see my mom in person for at least a few years or longer. So I asked her to meet up in the hopes I could make some progress with some of these emotions I still had.

As I mentioned in the last blog, I realized I had never once emotionally expressed myself with my mom. However, previously, my mom and I had had a number of conversations over the years about the issues between us. These talks went nowhere, with her always denying and gaslighting. I always wanted a lot from the interactions; I wanted her to see what she’d done, understand it, and validate my pain. I wanted her to change and stop doing the same things now, and basically, to love me and hear me. Of course, none of this has never happened, and so holding out for it and demanding it got me nowhere.

The previous discussions I had with my mom about the issues between us were much like a political debate. I was physically stiff, didn’t really make facial expressions or gesticulate, and was also monotone and didn’t cry or display emotion. My mom has similar facade and desire for emotional control and so she was this way in the interactions as well. The talks were about very serious issues but we were really just doing this intellectual competition debate thing with each other. We had had a few hours-long discussions in this manner, just arguing really, but in this extremely “calm” and controlled way.

With her I always wanted to appear like a “together” and “respectable” grown woman. I wanted to win the intellectual debate, to strategize my arguments into an analysis and conclusions that she simply couldn’t deny. I wanted to win the competition with her that she had began with me as a child, about who was the more mature and impressive woman. I also wanted to take back the power she’d always had over me. I never could.

The facade my mom taught me is that women should never be angry, because being angry means you’re a bad person. Anger is shockingly evil and horrible, especially in a woman. Being emotionally messy in any way, including with sadness, is unattractive and shameful. Fear should be justified or downplayed but never felt properly. Always portray that you are pleasant, only ever have lovely feelings, and have it all together.

In the past, my attempts at discussions with my mom never helped me get into deeper emotion because my motivations to make her understand and change were all wrong, and my desire to get power were just to prevent feeling small and helpless and bad about myself. I wanted to take anger out on her. I now realize that I wanted to enter the discussions to avoid emotion, not to feel it.

So I knew I had to do something different to what I’d done before. I needed to go into it with a completely different motivation: I needed have the sole desire to get emotion out of me, and challenge some of my own addictions. I needed to give up trying to get power or win a competition. I needed to have no expectation that she understand or change in any way. I also realized that if anything was going to be different, I needed to express myself with my whole body and self, not just in the words I said. I felt that my sole desire had to be to get suppressed emotion out of me so I could keep healing myself. In some ways, you could say it had to not even be about my mom at all.

The emotional expression part is what terrified me the most. I felt that emotionally expressing myself with her was overdue since I was about 5 years old and I had no idea what would happen if I finally did it. I didn’t even know if I could do it. I have always felt shackled emotionally, locked in a stranglehold, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to do anything different. I didn’t feel confident at all.

I also had no idea what it would look like. Would I cry? Would I be angry? Would I gesticulate? What would I say?

I prayed a lot to God and journaled a lot in the week leading up to it. The prayer was pretty much just to do something different than I always had and get some emotion out. During the “prep” for this, I realized that I had been so focused on the fact I had anger with my mom that I needed to resolve and get underneath, that I had completely forgotten I might still have fear in my relationship with my mother. I had not been focusing on fear at all. But the thought of expressing myself in a more real way with her was incredibly terrifying, and leading up to meeting her a lot of fear started to kick in.

We arranged to meet in a park, and by the time my mom walked up to the blanket I’d set up, I was shaking like a leaf. My whole body was reacting involuntarily and I had never experienced this before. I was shaking and sobbing at the same time, and her initial reaction was disgust. She offered to rearrange the chat for a time when I wasn’t so emotional.

I had no plan going into it but I began to just say how I felt. Rather than arguing points in a philosophical way or debating about things that happened, this time, I just said how I felt. It felt completely different than before. Rather than trying to be an adult woman peer of my mother in a power struggle with her, I gave up the power struggle completely and just remembered that at one time I was her little daughter and she was my mommy and I am devastated about our relationship.

Throughout I just said things like,

“I’m feeling really scared of this chat.”

“I just feel like you’ve always hated me and I don’t understand why.”

“I feel like you never listen to me.”

“I’m so completely heartbroken about my childhood.”

In just saying how I felt, the emotional expression also flowed more.

The whole time I was sobbing and shaking, I had snot running down my nose and was gesticulating. At times I was yelling and crying and shaking at the same time. Beforehand, I had no idea what would come out of me but I now think I felt terror, anger and grief almost all at the same time (or at least all within this short span of time). I felt a kind of a childlike hysteria and emotional desperation, broken-hearted and devastated and raging and terrified. I found that just praying to express myself and then saying how I felt, without trying to argue any points, naturally meant the emotions came out better.

My mom tried to get us back on the philosophical arguing points and continued to do a lot of attacking and blaming and denying. I didn’t take the bait of getting back to intellectual debates, I just kept praying to God to feel my emotions and express myself truthfully. During the interaction, other emotions I felt were helpless, powerless, small, and out of control — all emotions I’d never felt when trying to be adult-like rather than childlike.

Twice my mom walked away in the middle of me talking and went back to her car, returning after a few minutes to tell me why I was wrong. It was an odd behavior from her that I didn’t expect, but now I can see was her wanting to punish me with abandonment, but then deciding she couldn’t leave until she had me back under power and control.

I was taken aback at the total coldness and the rage and condescension coming from her. I was sitting down on the ground sobbing and she stood over me the whole time, never sitting with me and never touching me. At one point she threw tissues at my feet, as if to say, get yourself together, you disgusting disgrace of a woman. The feeling she gave off seeing me on the ground sobbing, shaking, screaming, snotty, hair messy and red-faced, was utter disgust and pure rage.

I had thought she might have some concern for how upset I was, to show some empathy or have some response to my vulnerability, but instead she was more cold than she’d ever been.

Finally, for the third time, she suddenly walked away from me while I was saying something and sobbing and shaking and screaming, got in her car, and drove off.

I stayed and cried and shook for a long time. Eventually I left, and started feeling severely spirit attacked and began spiraling and worrying I was an evil, abusive person. I talked with a dear friend who was utterly kind and just encouraged me to not self-attack and worry but rather keep feeling about how my mom had responded to my emotional expression and vulnerability, and that this has told me a lot about my childhood. In the following days, quite a lot of emotions continued to come out of me.

This experience with my mom (especially right before and during the interaction with her) was the first time since listening to Divine Truth that I’ve ever properly felt fear. Mary has a great blog called “Let Yourself Fall From the Plane” and for the first time I understood what she wrote in that blog because that is exactly what it felt like.

Since then, I have been able to access some sadness and grief about my relationship with my mom. Previously to this experience, I felt only anger and was not aware of having any sadness or grief with her at all. I could not access it whatsoever. Now some of that sadness flows at times, which is really important for me to continue allowing. I also still have a lot of anger, but am far more aware of grief and despair and heartbreak that I feel with her.

One of the things that I felt in retrospect was that in the previous controlled and “polite” discussions with my mom, that I was projecting way more rage at her than when I was in the park actually yelling and swearing. I could be wrong here (also something I’m still working out) but it felt like when I was hysterical in the park, though I was loud with my sobbing and yelling and even swearing, my emotion was flowing and was somehow more contained, and less was actually coming out towards her. In the park I was just concerned with getting stuff out of me, and discovering some more truth, whereas previously my real desire was only to punish my mom and force her to listen to me.

So it felt like an important lesson in that I can be sitting, hands folded in my lap, talking in a “polite” way without any swearing, voice never raised, and project more rage at a person than when I’m owning my emotion and yelling and sobbing and gesticulating wildly making a commotion. In my family the seemingly-polite-but-underhandedly-raging manner of relating is considered nice, respectable and reasonable, wheareas emotionally expressing like I did is considered evil and shocking. And so to my mom, my emotional expression was far more offensive, and yet I feel I was projecting less at her than when I was more in the facade that she approves of.

One of the other striking realizations that came from this experience with my mom was thinking about how little she could handle of my actual emotional expression. In the controlled debates we’d had before, she would sit for as long as four hours with me, or engage in many very long back-and-forth emails and seemed comfortable, even though I was saying very confronting things. Before the park, we had discussed our issues to death already and completely exhausted the topics of concern between us. In this interaction in the park, I wasn’t saying anything new that I hadn’t said many times before. And yet, when I was fully emotionally expressing myself, she couldn’t even handle talking to me for 15 minutes.

In other words,

Me saying things without emotional expression – mom will stay for four or more hours, for numerous debates.

Me saying the same things with emotional expression, just once in my entire life – mom won’t say for fifteen minutes.

This was a huge revelation for me about why I have struggled with emotional expression and facade. I’ll discuss more of these reflections in later blogs.

The truth is, how my mom reacted isn’t really how I expected her to. Because of her facade about loving her kids more than the world, and the kind of person she presents herself to be (and my investment to still believe that facade), I truly thought she would have a more heartfelt response, but there was no warmth. This is part of what triggered more sadness for me in the days following. It felt like her “true colors” had now come out only when I expressed emotionally and hadn’t ever before this.

More thoughts to come on what this taught me about emotional expression, facade and self-doubt. The next blog will be about the experiences I had with my Dad with regards to these topics.

Love,

Courtney

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Photo 1 – Will Truettner via Unsplash

Photo 2 – Will Paterson via Unsplash

Photo 3 – Nathan Dumlao via Unsplash

Emotional Expression Part 1: An Introduction

Hi Everyone,

It’s been a while. I’ve wanted to write some blogs for a long time about some of what I’ve learned about honest emotional expression, self-trust, and facade, based on experiences I’ve had with my family in the last couple years.

I am hoping that my experiences might help others with their seeking truth about their childhood, and learning about how their emotions became shut down from their childhood experiences. I also wanted to share about topics of self-trust and “intuition”, which is something I think many people struggle with in reflecting on what really happened in their childhood. And lastly, also I wanted to touch a bit on facade as well.

I decided to break this post into parts as it ended up being quite long for just one post. So instead it will be a series of posts, with this first post being the introduction.

The Divine Truth teachings, as well as personal feedback to me gifted from Jesus and Mary, have helped me to realize how shut down emotionally I’ve been in my life. At only age 17 I was diagnosed with severe depression and eating disorders, and for many years I struggled with fantasies of suicide. My life is so much better than it used to be, thanks to the emotion that I have felt so far and the truths I’ve learned.

Anyone who has had that level of depression and suicidal feelings knows how incredible it is just to get to a point where you feel well enough to care for yourself financially and perform basic tasks of day-to-day life. However, I have so much more to go in terms of opening up to honest emotional expression, especially in front of others, but even just with myself.

I’ve also always had a lot of self-doubt that comes up in certain areas, and particularly this has been true as I’ve tried to sort out the truth of my childhood and my parent’s emotions towards me. I’ve often dismissed my suspicions about their intentions and downplayed the trauma of my childhood.

Facade is also a big issue for me. I don’t like people to know I’m angry, and I don’t like to cry in front of them. I prefer people to feel I have things “together” and am not messy or out of control. Due to this my anger has often been passive aggressive and underhanded towards others, and I’ve downplayed and hidden my sadness. I often pretend I have different emotions than I actually do. There are many times I’m even just in facade with myself and convince myself that I don’t have emotions that I actually do have.

My current understanding of what honest emotional expression is (and this is just my definition based on my current understanding), is that it is when our real feelings in our soul, and the feelings that we display outwardly, match. This is what it means for it to be honest; there is no discrepancy between them. Also, it seems to me that the emotional expression part is really expressing the emotion like a small child does, where their voice and their body also express the emotion in an unbridled, full way.

For some backstory on my history with emotional expression:

I grew up in a stereotypical American Christian military household, and emotional expression was not allowed, particularly from me. My dad was the only one allowed to feel anger, and he had angry outbursts where he would insult, cut with sarcasm and pull-downs, and threaten punishments. He would get moody and mopey, and slam the occasional door or fist on the table. My mom was passive aggressive and underhanded, and most of her suppressed anger was taken out on me in the form of criticism, punishments and control. Nobody really cried except on the occasion of a tragedy, when a few tears might be allowed from the women.

I was supposed to be a poised, polite, and totally silent and obedient Christian girl, which I mostly succeeded at. I often describe myself in my childhood as having felt like a doll on the shelf in a corner, in a frilly dress with blushed cheeks, smiling but with dead eyes. I felt I was not supposed to have much more of a presence than an actual doll on a shelf. I was meant to look pretty but be silent. My opinions and personality weren’t wanted, and certainly my emotions were absolutely not welcomed. As a very young child I was often called “strong-willed” and “independent”, but not long after, when my parents successfully suppressed me, I began being praised by others outside the family for being “well-behaved” and “mature”, polite and quiet.

Growing up, when I would watch TV shows or movies where a child or teenager openly disagreed with a parent, got in a fight with a parent, or otherwise expressed their emotions, I would marvel. Sometimes the child would yell, run out of the room, slam the door to their bedroom, or cry and sob. I always gawked at these scenes because I absolutely could not imagine ever expressing myself like that, and indeed I never did, not even once.

With my dad, I have never showed anger in front of or at him, and rarely have I cried in front of him. I’ve never really discussed with or displayed fear with him either. I have always interacted with my dad in a way where I’ve been completely frozen and without personality or emotion. I now recognize this as terror.

With my mom, I’d also never showed anger in front of or at her. When I was a child we would have disagreements, but I was always punished for “sassing”. I can now see that what my mom called “talking back” was really just me saying some words of truth about the injustices. I wasn’t yelling, or calling names, or throwing anything, in fact I was relatively calm. But I was punished for speaking up at all, and so didn’t really display emotions with her either. Crying about specific issues external to the family (like a breakup) was ok, but she felt it should be brief and then be done.

A couple years ago, I realized that I hadn’t ever emotionally expressed myself with my parents. By this point I had consistently and quite bluntly told them them that I felt we had many issues in the family. I had told my dad about issues I felt existed via email and letters, and with my mom via emails and some in-person conversations. Because I had *technically* called out issues in our family, I was characterizing that in my mind as having really confronted my parents. But I realized that I had never actually expressed emotions in front of them.

What I mean is, I had said words, but I’d never allowed emotion to come through my body and my voice, and I’d never at all looked like a child expressing emotion. I never wanted to be messy or appear like I wasn’t “together”, and I wanted them to take me seriously, so I was always very controlled, calm, and monotone when I spoke with them. I didn’t want to seem childlike, I wanted to seem like a “respectable” adult who could win the argument of logic.

I was also afraid they would feel I was evil if I expressed anger, weak if I cried, pathetic if I was terrified. I also felt I simply wasn’t allowed to express in these ways. I didn’t even know why or what the consequence really would be, I just always had this sense that I was not allowed.

But I realized that “saying words” was not the same as emotional expression. Don’t get me wrong, just saying the words, even in the controlled, adult-like way that I did was so confronting for my parents that I’d had turbulent and intermittent relationships with them for many years and been attacked and blamed a great deal. But I didn’t have any idea what would happen if I emotionally expressed myself. However, I started feeling curious about why I was so afraid, and why I had never felt allowed. And I sensed this block to emotional expression was preventing me from accessing important deeper emotions, and from understanding the full truth about my childhood.

I thought, what if I did honestly emotionally express myself with my parents, which I’ve never ever done? What would have happened if I did as a kid? Why have I always felt this is simply not allowed?

So, a couple years ago I did some experiments with my parents, and also the Law of Attraction brought me some truth that really helped me as well. These next few blogs will be about what those experiments were and what I learned about emotional expression.

(For clarity, my parents have been divorced since I was 17 and have no relationship with each other, so my processes with each of them have been separate from each other.)

I do want to add a disclaimer and say that these blogs aren’t meant to be taken as instruction on what you should do with your parents. I’m not writing these blogs to tell anyone that they should confront their parents the way I did. I am not sure that I was loving all the time, or if it was the best/only way to arrive at the understandings that I did (maybe it was and I’m just worried, or maybe it wasn’t, I’m still working that out). The reason I’ll share the specific stories is to explain the bigger picture realizations that arose about emotional expression, that I hope might help others. But all the choices I made were my own ideas to experiment with, and shouldn’t be taken as a reflection of what Jesus and Mary recommend. I just do know that I’ve had a bit of growth and understanding from it about certain concepts that I want to share.

I do also have to give Jesus and Mary all the credit for all the growth I’ve had though, because I wouldn’t have even known I had an issue with emotional expression without Jesus and Mary and the Divine Truth teachings. Without them I would be completely lost and wouldn’t be aware that I had issues with facade or with self-doubt. I’d also be in way more delusion about my childhood than I am if it weren’t for them.

On that note, in case you’re new to this blog or haven’t watched much Divine Truth material about emotional expression, I would at this point like to recommend some Divine Truth videos that might help with understanding some of these concepts and phrases. They’re much better at explaining the concepts than I am and so I really recommend watching them:

Divine Truth videos about emotion

Divine Truth videos about facade

What has helped me, and what I’d recommend, is to reflect on what emotions you openly displayed in front of your parents as a child, if any. Not just the words you said (though that’s a part of it), but the full, unedited, unrestrained expression of emotion.

Did you express anger around them?

Cry in front of them?

Were you ever very emotionally messy?

Were you allowed the expression of some emotions but not others?

Was it different with one parent than the other, or with your other caregivers?

Did you ever notice a difference in your freedom to emotionally express compared with your friends’ families or portrayed on TV?

These are some of the questions that helped me realize something happened where I never felt allowed to emotionally express, and that there might be something important for me to explore.

Thanks and until the next post,

Courtney

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Photo 1 – Annie Spratt via Unsplash

Photo 2 – Xinyi Song via Unsplash

Photo 3 – Nsey Benajah via Unsplash

Some Recommended Resources

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to share some resources that have been helping me with recognizing more truth in my life and also feeling emotions.

  1. First off, in case any of you aren’t aware of it, Eloisa, a director of the God’s Way Organization, has a fantastic YouTube channel with resources for parents and children as well as videos on other topics too! While I’m not a parent, I do have a much-younger sister and am wanting to learn how to be a good big sister.

And certainly, I was a child of a parent and so I find her parent and children videos really helpful from that angle too. And aside from parenting, I find that Elo’s discussions about principles of living God’s Way, and her own experiences, give me a ton to reflect on for my own life. Thank you Eloisa!

Link to Eloisa’s YouTube channel

2. Also, I wanted to share my friend Rebecca Johnstone’s music and poetry. Rebecca (I call her Bex) loves Divine Truth too and has created some incredibly moving music and poetry. I love her song My Heart Was Never Bulletproof. Few singers and songwriters are willing to really go there with mother-relationship based pain and heartbreak, and so I really appreciate and love this song that Bex has written, as well as her other songs and her poetry.

Link to Bex’ website of music and poetry

I consider Divine Truth to be the ultimate, most-helpful-ever resource out there and the only material in the world that has completely God’s Truth and is fully accurate. I always check everything I hear or read from other resources back with Divine Truth teachings.

That being said, I have found some other resources that have been helpful for getting into emotions and realize more truth about my childhood, my family and why I feel the way I do.

The resources below are not sourced from Divine Truth or God’s Way, and so will not contain full truth and they do have various errors in them. They contain material that is not God’s Truth and may lead to problems if followed. However I have found many of them to also have some really helpful insights, and to contain stories of others which have in turn helped me reflect on my own stuff.

3. A couple months ago I was searching the podcast world for material on emotional and covert incest. I happened across a podcast called The Place We Find Ourselves, hosted by a therapist named Adam Young.

It is categorized under Christianity, but is a therapy podcast that discusses trauma healing and injuries from childhood. Not all the episodes make Christian references, but some do and because it is Christian some of those mentions about Jesus and God are erroneous. So please keep that in mind.

But it is quite fearless in stating truth about what happens in families, and I feel that the host Adam is incredibly compassionate and kind. His guests are really open with their stories, and there are some things said about God that I feel are true and they are very moving and I really love listening to a therapy podcast that talks about God. I have gotten into lot of emotion with this podcast.

You can listen to the podcast below, or you can search “The Place We Find Ourselves” on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, or Spotify.

Link to The Place We Find Ourselves

4. I first learned of the author Susan Forward from Jesus and Mary’s seminars where they mentioned her book Toxic Parents. Indeed, it is an awesome book and discusses many kinds of toxicity in families. Since then, I’ve also been exploring other books by her, and found them to be really helpful as well. Again, not all the info is true and not all the recommendations advisable, but there are great gems and truths. The three I’ve read/am reading and recommend are:

Toxic Parents

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them

Mothers Who Can’t Love

5. I love music and find it really helpful for getting into emotions. If I understand correctly, there’s a lot of music that does get us sort of stuck in emotions, or is kind of validating an addiction, and so I’m sure some of the stuff I listen to is that way. Some of the songs though I think are pretty sincere and helpful.

I also find that “breakup” or romantic relationship heartache songs typically feel a lot more accurate to my relationship my parents than any others, so that’s the main way I listen to those!

Here’s a link to my “emotions songs” playlist on Spotify in case you’d like any ideas for songs. It’s a big mix of topics and genres.

xo

Courtney

Photos by Daniel Anthony and Akin Kaniker via Unsplash, and Kristina Paukshtite via Pexels

Healing Animal Allergies & Divine Truth

Growing up, the notion of ever cuddling a cat felt as impossible and far away as the notion of my traveling to the moon (in fact, probably cat cuddling was less likely to happen).

I had severe cat allergies for all my childhood. Just being in a home where there was a cat, even if I never petted it, and if the house was very clean and kept-up, within minutes my reactions would start: sneezing fits where I’d sneeze 30 times in a row, eyes relentlessly itchy and watering to the point of swelling up so I could barely see, face swollen and blotchy. I would get to the point I couldn’t function and would have to leave anywhere with a cat. It would often take ages to recover: long showers, laying on a couch with a cool damp washcloth over my eyes, and medications that never seemed to make much of a difference. It became something my family and I had to work around: I couldn’t really go inside the homes of friends with cats, my family couldn’t stay with other family who had cats.

But in my late teens, it started to change. I noticed if I was in a house with a cat I seemed to be mostly ok — though I was still too afraid to pet one. For years after this change, I thought it was because I had gone vegan. You see, I’d read suggestion that there may be some correlation between consuming dairy (being inflammatory and mucous-producing) and the exacerbation of allergies.

A few years after, I came across the Divine Truth teachings, wherein Jesus and Mary discuss how suppressed emotions in the human soul are the cause of physical problems in our bodies. While the notion of a connection between emotions and the body wasn’t entirely new to me at the time, I had more thought of emotions as a possible player in physical issues, but wasn’t really sure about the idea they could be the entire cause — including the entire cause of allergies — until I came across the following video below. In this video, Jesus shares a personal story about how he also was allergic to cats, and he discovered the root of this being the fact that his father hated cats, and he felt he wouldn’t be loved by his father if he loved cats, and that going through this emotion cleared his cat allergy:

It was then I started reflecting on this turn in my life from years before, differently. You see, it was the exact same time that I went vegan, that I was also opening up to some of my emotions for the first time in years, and facing truth about my family for the first time ever.

At that time in my late teens, my family had fallen apart in my parents’ divorce, and my father had taken some extreme, abusive, hurtful actions in the process. Truth about him was coming out left and right, which was a shock for me as my Mom previously had hidden things he did from me and I fully believed the family facade that he was an awesome dad and great guy. I was in a sort of state of shock that preceeded emotions finally flowing. I was in therapy for the first time, something my mom had set up to support my brothers and I through the divorce. I had an amazing therapist who I still credit with starting the beginning of some big healing for me, who was incredibly compassionate and did not shy away from facing how parents can really be towards their children. He helped me to start to see that I actually had a very abusive father who was treating me terribly, and who in fact always had. He helped me understand what my dad was doing was far from normal, and he helped me understand and validate feelings that nobody ever had before.

All my illusions about my dad were crashing around me, and the intense pressure of so much truth coming out all at once, plus the permission the therapist gave me to voice and consider my feelings, led to some rage and fear and grief coming out of me, after not having cried for so many years. For the first time ever, I started recognizing my father’s oppression and treatment of me, my terror of him, and my sadness at not being loved by him. This kicked off a few years of heavily focusing on “dad stuff”.

And my dad hated cats. Growing up he’d talk about how useless they were, how stupid people who liked them were, and how dogs were much better (we had a dog, and I wasn’t allergic to dogs). When a cat died for whatever reason, he felt it was a good thing. He thought they were pointless animals and the world would be better off without them. I always had to pretend to agree with him, or I’d get the rage, judgment and condescension that happened if I ever had a different opinion or preference about
something than my dad.

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Courtney & stuffed animals

If I had loved cats, my dad would have projected that I was stupid and ridiculous, even to the point of feeling hate and rage towards me. There was so much terror of him, and I felt so much shame about loving things he didn’t love, that I even convinced myself for years that I didn’t like cats either, even though deep down I wanted to play with them just like I loved playing with every kind of animal, and despite feeling sadness when I saw someone having a moment with a cat. Perhaps unsurprisingly, my favorite stuffed animal as a child — and I had a LOT of stuffed animals — was a very realistic-looking cat.

Though I’d noticed that my cat allergy had changed over the few years in my late teens, I was still too scared to actually touch a cat, for fear there was still a mild allergy there that might flare up. But also, I realized recently that somehow the law of attraction has been such that I have very rarely ever been in environments with any cats for years.

But a month ago, an opportunity to cat-sit and house-sit was presented to me. I was scared… What if it flared up again? What if living with a cat full time brought it out? Would I still not be able to touch cats?

But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENED.

Every day I’ve been with the cat in the pictures below, which has been for almost a month now, I’ve had no allergy to her at all. I have been incredulous every day, thinking back on how my cat allergy would render me bed-ridden every time I simply shared air in a house with a cat, and yet now I can pet this cat, I can touch my face and eyes after, I can bury my face in her furry back, something that would have been apocalyptic in my childhood. Now, it’s the same as it’s always been with dogs for me, which is to say, absolutely nothing happens.

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I now believe that, while I feel going vegan probably helped, as I think inflammatory and mucous-producing foods might make allergies a bit worse, this was not the cause of my allergy in the first place, nor were dietary changes the reason it healed. I feel the allergy was created in my soul similarly to what Jesus described: if I loved cats, my dad wouldn’t love me. And while I wasn’t thinking about cats or my allergies at all when I was in that phase in my late teens, I was heavily focusing on my feelings about my dad, often raging, often sobbing and feeling some grief about my relationship with him. So I now feel that what healed my allergy to cats was seeking truth about my dad’s oppression and his demand for me to agree with all of his opinions and beliefs, and feeling some of the suppressed terror I had about the threat of his rage and disapproval, and sadness at his harshness and lack of love, that healed my allergy to cats.

(That all being said, this isn’t to say I’ve healed all those feelings about my dad — I definitely still have a lot of all of those feelings above that I’ve yet to feel though — but I suppose I’ve felt enough at least to heal my cat allergy).

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I loved dogs too, and was not allergic — dad liked dogs!

If you have any allergies to animals, please check out the Divine Truth material and feel about what the causes in your family might be!

I wanted to clarify as well, that my understanding also is that the human desire for pets and relationships with animals is often addictive and about avoiding emotions. So my emotions towards cats (and dogs and other animals) may not be pure from God’s Perspective, and I don’t want to present that they are the right feelings to have. I just wanted to share a story about the truth about animal allergies, and how they can heal, after such a crazy experience that I’ve had.

Also, it could be another blog post entirely, but if you have hay fever and allergies to pollen and plants, there is also emotional correlation for them. I also had hay fever, and once as a child got a plant-allergy scratch test where my back lit up like a fireworks show. The “joke” in my family was that “Courtney is allergic to life”, because it wasn’t just cats I was allergic to, it was also horses and trees and grass and pollen. My hay fever was so bad that I didn’t breathe through my nose for probably the first 13 years of my life because I was always stuffed up, even in my house where there were no cats. Even sleeping at night I’d have to breathe through my mouth.

My understanding from Divine Truth now, is that hay fever is about suppressing the grief about feeling oppressed. For me, I feel this kind of oppression came equally from both my mom and my dad. The hay fever has changed a lot, and I am glad to say it no longer is a constant as it was in my whole childhood, though it does flare up every once in a while. When it does, I’ve noticed there’s typically a correlation to someone I’m spending time with, that I actually feel oppressed by, and am not allowing myself to feel about that oppression. So please look into Divine Truth if you have any kinds of allergies, whether to animals, plants, whatever!

Here are some videos in addition to the above video I’d linked, for you to check out:

 

Click here for Divine Truth clips on causes of physical problems

 

Bye for now from a now-feline-enthusiast,

Courtney

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Top photo by Ash Edmonds

Facing American Country-Based Injuries, Part 3

Politics!

Any American knows that in the last few years, politics have become an even more central part of our daily news, comedy shows and talk shows. It is often commented on, how upset so many Americans are these days about politics. Our next presidential election is over a year away, and yet dozens of politicians have begun actively campaigning, and nationally televised debates between these candidates have already happened in the last couple months.

I’m continuing to learn more about the country-based injuries Jesus and Mary brought up with me in feedback last year, and I’m finding it confronting but also interesting.

The main inspiration for this Part 3 was really just that I recently found more Divine Truth videos that discuss these country-based injuries. They really hit the nail on the head in terms of explaining and clarifying issues that I’d started to wonder about. When I watched them I just felt, Man I’ve gotta post these videos on the blog NOW because they’re so pertinent for Americans! So I wanted to share those videos here and also later in the blog share a bit about some of my recent personal thoughts on the topic.

The first video is from the Forgiveness & Repentance series that Jesus and Mary have been releasing over the last few years, and the video discusses many issues relevant to Americans and those in Western countries. I really recommend watching the entire F&R series, because there is vital information throughout the series related to country-based injuries. If you did want to start from the beginning of the series, you can click here for Session 1 Part 1, and watch in order from there.

The video below is partway through the series, so you may still want to watch the previous material first, but this video contains specific examples about politics. When I watched this I was both confronted but also felt like, BOOM THERE IT IS, yes.

Additionally, I found that the discussion in the video above was a great follow-on to some discussions about politics that Jesus mentioned in some of the 2016 Assistance Groups. Specifically, the following two videos contain some examples (I’ve embedded the time code in the link so the video starts to play at the particular question):

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about politics in the context of the American country-based injuries, and so wanted to share some of those thoughts. As always, my disclaimer is that my views, and this blog, are not endorsed by Jesus and Mary, nor affiliated with the Divine Truth organizations, and my analysis and statements may not be accurate. They’re just my own contemplations while in the process, and are always subject to the influence of my emotional injuries.

Ok, politics: I have no formal history or experience in politics, however over time in my adulthood it has become something I’ve found myself following more closely, though as I mentioned before, any American would probably know it’s hard to avoid politics nowadays with it being everywhere.

I’ve particularly been thinking about what Jesus seems to have said about how at the moment, the politicians in America become “successful” politicians in part by feeding the addictions of Americans. This turned some things on their head for me, because I’ve wanted to believe that our politicians and political system are not giving us what we want and deserve. I think many Americans see it this way. And so my first thought was, “I wonder really how many Americans would even agree or see that often the politicians are pandering to us“.

However, when I think of the kinds of addictions politicians could be feeding, I think of all the conveniences, luxuries and resources that we have and have come to expect, and especially how we feel like we deserve to have them regardless of their potential negative impact on the rest of the world. I also think of the fears we have that we want our government to defend us from. I also think of our personal lack of responsibility and desire for the government to take over a lot of that for us.

Recently I’ve observed myself watch certain political candidates give speeches, and talk about their promises if they gain the office they’re campaigning for, and I’ve at times felt “inspired” or “relieved” by those speeches. I’ve then thought…. Hold on, if this is making me feel goodand yet most politicians are feeding addictions to get the favor of people, what’s really going on here on a soul level for me?

That observation then made me think about my personal interactions with Jesus, Mary and others who have confronted the country-based demands in me that I haven’t wanted to see, and that I still want to justify and keep. When that’s happened, I’ve been very emotionally defensive, resistant and angry, as I often become when addictions that I want are confronted. I’ve felt that I don’t want to hear about these country-based addictions, would like others to please stop telling me about them, and have generally just felt flipped upside down emotionally and very jumbled when the topic comes up. What I’m trying to say here is, I feel very different emotions when Jesus and Mary talk to me about truths about country based addictions to the emotions I feel when I hear certain political leaders campaign and speak about the country.

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I’ve then thought, If the politicians were in the right space from God’s Perspective, wouldn’t I feel the same way when I hear them talk about America to how I’ve felt when Jesus and Mary have confronted my country-based addictions? And if I don’t feel similarly confronted, isn’t it logical that these politicians must be pandering to and supporting the addictions in me, thereby creating the ‘nice’ or optimistic feelings I sometimes get when hearing them talk?

And so it seems that I must keep looking at what appeals to me about what they say, and why.

By the way, an important clarification here: I’m not saying that everything that politicians promise or want for the country are things I believe are unloving. For example, before there was marriage equality in the USA for gay and lesbian couples, some politicians voiced the intention to make it so. I think marriage equality is absolutely a loving thing, and of course it makes sense people would be very excited and optimistic about hearing politicians talk about something like that.

So in this blog I’m just focusing on the issues that may not be loving from God’s Perspective, and the things that are addictions from God’s Perspective (which by the say, I’m not even clear on everything that is or isn’t).

Additionally, when I listen to candidates aspiring for high positions in federal or state governments, I’ve noticed that they rarely, if ever, talk about what Americans should not feel entitled to. They don’t talk about what we’re constantly getting that is not ethical and moral, and how we need to change our demands. Rather, they usually talk about how great Americans and America are, and most of the time, their speeches feel like a reinforcement of how much we do indeed deserve all we get, and more, because we are so wonderful.

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Politicians also rarely talk about whether or how something Americans want affects the rest of the world. They talk about America in a way that makes us sound like an island; like there is no outside world to really consider with regards to what we want or have. I’ve noticed I rarely hear about countries outside America at all in these dialogues, except ones we think might be a threat to us. Occasionally, politicians will position America as generous and helpful towards certain countries, though I can’t help but wonder if they’re countries that barter with us, and pander to us, and therefore helping or supporting them benefits us selfishly. So I have noticed politicians don’t talk in the context of the entire world, and how we can benefit everyone on the planet; we only talk about our own benefit. And these are the same emotions reflected that I personally have: a lack of interest or desire to give to the world, and only an interest in myself and what benefits me.

I’d never before even clocked that there was anything unusual with how candidates gained favor, how they got elected, and what they talked about. I never noticed they didn’t talk about our impact on the world much. But I can see that this is because I have always been in agreement in my soul with these attitudes. I can see that this same self-focus and disregard that our country displays as an entity, are also personal emotions I have, and ones that play out when I am in day-to-day situations with others. And even though I have a lot of resistance to it, I can see what Jesus is saying in the videos above about the personal responsibility we each have, and how I can’t really blame it all on our politicians as if they are not reflecting the collective and the issues of love in myself.

So with this blog, I wanted to share the videos, and to share that I think it’d be interesting for us all to observe how we feel emotionally when Jesus talks about the truth about America, our politics, and our country-based injuries, and then compare that with how we feel emotionally about politicians that we are inclined to like (and maybe also the ones we don’t like), and how we feel about their their promises and visions. I think this comparison could tell us a lot.

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So that’s it for today, and I wanted to update my “Master List” of DT material I’ve found so far that has information on American country-based injuries or general issues in western countries including the USA:

20070914 General Discussion – Q&A From People In Cocoa S1P2: This video includes discussion about the USA’s destruction of the natural environment. I have embedded the link directly to this question.

20120218 General Discussion – Blocks To Spiritual Progression In The USA

20150930-1400 Judgement Towards Others: This video contains relevant reflections for many in first-world countries.

20161108-1350 Governance Principles: In this video the question is asked, “If Governance Principles ensure restriction of those in lower development, why do evil people seem to be in power on Earth?” and a discussion relevant to America ensues. I have embedded the link directly to this question.

20161122-1510 Responsibility Principles: In this video I ask Jesus, “Why do humans often give societal power and authority to people who are not self responsible or developed in love?” and a discussion relevant to America ensues. I have embedded the link directly to this question.

20161123-1350 Compensation Principles: In this video Jesus discusses how our fear contributes to countries going to war. I have embedded the link directly to this question.

20170919-1630 God’s Laws of Forgiveness & Repentance: This video contains discussion about American politics.

All Forgiveness & Repentance videos, which highlight how not forgiving and repenting personally contributes to country-based, societal and global pain.

xo,

Courtney

Photo credits: Ashton Bingham, David Everett Strickler, Drew HaysJosh Johnson

Facing American Country-Based Injuries: Part 2

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been back in the USA now for several months after nearly a year outside the country. Considering my country-based injuries were some of the biggest issues in love highlighted to me by Jesus and Mary when I was in Australia, I was curious to see how I’d feel coming back.

In the last blog that I wrote on the topic of country-based injuries in Americans (and to some extent also those who live in other rich countries), I shared some feedback and truth from Jesus about these injuries within myself and others in America, and some of my own reflections from that. You can view this post by clicking here if you haven’t seen it.

As a disclaimer, today’s post contains my recent thoughts and reflections on the topic, which I haven’t had the chance to discuss with Jesus and Mary, so they are only my opinions and I can’t say I’m totally accurate about them, or that J&M or God would agree that I am assessing things correctly.

 

Things I Noticed

The first thing I noticed upon being back after a year was, as Jesus has discussed before, the insane amount of choice available here. Even just landing in the Los Angeles airport from Brisbane, the airport snack shops indicated I was indeed back in America.

When I went on my first grocery run, just to a standard store chain store, there was no mistaking I was back. On this first shop in an American store in a year, I walked past an aisle and was struck by the sight of the the tortilla stock. Multiple brands with many different sizes and flavors overflowed the end cap display, and then spilled deep into the aisle as well. I stopped and tried to count the different individual tortilla options–the various flavors and brands. After passing about 25, I stopped. I mean I know Americans love Mexican food, but over 25 kinds of tortillas? The options and variety in terms of shopping–in person and online–for literally anything is truly unlike anywhere else. Prior in my life, that amount of options never would have caused me to even blink, and like most Americans, I’d been irked if my particular favorite was out of stock.

I was reminded of how easy everything is here. Every errand I had to run, every bank-related task, every dealing with any government body, everything single thing I needed to do to get back up and running after a year–it was all easy. Service in all industries is so emphasized in America, and everything is so cheap! As a person with a lot of demand for things to be free and cheap, I noticed how low pricing is on everything, even compared to the UK or Australia, where I had been for the last year.

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It’s weird, when you start being aware of addictions that you previously didn’t realize you had. As I settled back into life in America, I could feel myself sinking back into the enjoyment of all the demands being met again. I internally rolled my eyes at myself as I discovered that yes, I do indeed have feelings that the way things are in America is how things should be. I bought my cheap gas for my car and and then went and picked out of those 25+ tortilla options and literally thought to myself, America is badass.

There have been many times I have now caught myself in my entitlement that I should get things, when I want, because I want, fast, cheap, and with little consideration for ethics and morals in any part of those choices. I can feel the demand in me that the USA government should do something about everything, and blaming them for anything going wrong or that is unloving about the country–because of course nothing wrong with this country or how it operates is in any way my personal fault…

I am finding so many examples of our entitlement as a country that I feel like at some point I might try to focus in on particular examples of what I’ve noticed in myself and others. But in this blog, I wanted to focus on a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, which is DENIAL, and how codependent addictions between people support that denial.

 

Denial & Facade

Another thing that struck me upon being back is how happy everyone seems. I know the emotional climate and overall mood can vary widely depending on where you are in the USA, but in Salt Lake City, Utah, where I live–and I imagine in many places throughout the country–people just overall appear pretty “happy”. Enthusiastic, optimistic, energetic, friendly.

I found myself thinking about what Jesus said to me about Americans having a facade of niceness that can cover many dark and evil emotions, including superiority, and how contrasted that truth is from the generally jubilant and contented mood I was observing. It is a pointed example of how well-developed our individual facades, as well as collective facades as Americans, can be, and what a shocking difference that can be to the truth of our emotions and our intentions. I thought, If we as Americans are violating God’s Laws in massive ways, and degrading our condition with our sins all the time, and hurting so many people in the world, what it is that is making us appear happy? Because clearly we are not living according to Divine Truth and Love.

I then remembered an FAQ clip from the DT FAQ channel that I’ll link at the end of the post that explains some principles that I was thinking of when reflecting on this. In this clip they share that if we are “happy” without being truly on the Divine Love Path, it is only because we are getting addictions met. And so, I feel like this disparity between the truths I received from Jesus about the real emotions of most Americans with the appearance of general contentedness, is because us Americans are getting our addictions met so epically, and so therefore we appear, and even believe within ourselves, to be happy. Additionally, we agree with each others’ facades about being nice people, and that makes us feel pretty good, too.

When I was in Australia and receiving personal feedback about my own country-based injuries and how I act them out, after I while I started wondering: Why, if these issues are so severe and so unloving, as well as being present in almost all Americans, hadn’t they really flagged up for me personally before? In other words, how had I never clocked them? There are indeed plenty of other Americans who would rightly call me entitled (I’ve since discovered that I may be even more entitled than many other Americans are), but how had no one ever sat me down and said, “Yo Courtney, these things you do are really, really off.” Why hadn’t the confrontation like that ever happened with anyone in America before?

Why, among my day to day interactions and friends and family, we don’t ever pull each other up on the entitlement? Why had nobody flagged it to me before, and I also hadn’t noticed it in others? Or if we do notice it in ourselves or others, we don’t seem to care that much?

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I also wondered, if almost all Americans are demanding, entitled and selfish, why don’t we get pissed off at each other all the time? How is it that we are able to generally go about our lives without huge amounts of hostility towards each other? Well, first off, I know it’s not true we don’t have hostility towards each other, because of course we have a great deal of issues within the country from Americans towards other Americans. But what I mean is, with that level of demand and selfishness, why aren’t we in fights with our family and friends constantly over the issues of love? And as a country, why aren’t we in an outright civil war; a full country-based meltdown? And why can we maintain this somewhat law-abiding society, as well as still mostly believe America is king?

These ponderings made me think about the issues of codependent relationships between people. To share what I mean by that, I’d share an example from my relationship with Perry. For me personally, it’s helping to think of how things can play out between two people, and then see how that also can play out in a whole nation.

 

Example of Codependently Supporting Denial & Facade

In my relationship with Perry, the emotional injuries I am most concerned about are not the ones we have that are different and in conflict with each other, but rather, the ones that we agree on. In areas where our injuries or demands are different, where we do not agree on that demand or about that false belief, we will inevitably clash. This clashing will highlight that one or both of us is out of harmony with God’s Truth and Love on the matter. The conflict will happen quickly for things we don’t share injuries about, and that conflict will expose that there is an issue. This will then mean it will be hard to keep going down that track without realizing something needs to be looked at.

On the other hand, Perry and I have many emotional injuries that are the same as each other, and interestingly, many of them are the same emotional injuries I’m talking about in terms of country-based injuries. Perry and I are both demanding, entitled, selfish and self-focused. These, or any injuries that we both agree on, in my opinion, are far more dangerous. When we agree, we can easily support each other in entitled and selfish choices, never disagreeing with each other, and even not believing we are being entitled or selfish at all. We can reassure ourselves and each other that there is no problem in that area.

I once asked Jesus and Mary why it would be, that Perry and may often seem to get along with each other, if we are both demanding and selfish people, and Jesus and Mary explained to me that instead of projecting our demands at each other (which would eventually create conflict and pain), we may externalize our demands outside the relationship onto other people, and onto systems. In this way, our individual demands are being fulfilled, but maybe not by the other, because they don’t need to be. We are getting them from somewhere else. We can then exist in a space where don’t exhaust each other, and things may appear peaceful and harmonious in the relationship.

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It’s like, if I have a demand at the world to get a popsicle every day, and Perry won’t give one to me but I am easily able to find someone else in the world to give me one every day, I have no need to necessarily get angry at Perry for not giving me one, even though I do have the demand for it from someone–anyone. And if Perry also feels he should get a popsicle every day too, and also finds random people to get it from and thinks that’s totally reasonable, we’re going to end up being demanding popsicle fiends who take from everyone else, but don’t fight with each other.

We can then easily live in the delusion that everything is alright and that we are very reasonable and kind people, which is exactly the facade Perry and I have both had.

I have learned that a lot of the time, I tolerate and put up with issues in others because I also want them to put up with that exact same thing in me. It is a barter: you overlook my shit, and I’ll overlook yours.

I also realized in this process that the same thing happened within my family in my childhood. My parents also had the country-based injuries, some of which I outlined in a bit more detail in my previous post. In my childhood, I can see that we were constantly reinforcing within the family that our family, and our country, is awesome, meanwhile there was no consideration about others in the world. In the few experiments I’ve done with bringing up these topics with my family and some friends, I have often discovered immediate resistance and anger that is exactly like the kind I have had myself in receiving feedback about country-based demands: “Who, me? I’m not like that! No way. You’ve got me all wrong. I’m not that bad.”

Sometimes I think of the danger of those agreement injuries in Perry and I, and metaphorically, it feels to me like walking down a road, hand in hand, patting ourselves and each other on the backs, saying, “Aren’t you lovely! Aren’t I great person! Aren’t we nice people!” Meanwhile we are being completely oblivious to the damage we are creating as we bulldoze the world with our entitlement, and end up at our destination only to realize this path we’ve been walking all along has been straight into the hells. But we’ve been too busy getting and eating our popsicles and congratulating ourselves and each other on how nice and awesome we are, that we never looked up from our own navel-gazing long enough to even realize the degradation that was happening.

 

America Collectively

What I shared about Perry and I is also what I feel is at play within America as a collective. We think everything is good, meanwhile we are degrading ourselves collectively into the hells while reassuring ourselves and each other that we are not that bad. We want to believe our own facade, we want to believe each other’s facades, we want to believe the collective American facade.

We can appear to have a somewhat functional and happy society, because it is not other Americans who are suffering from our demands, it is the rest of the world that we are taking from. We are externalizing our demands and entitlement outside the country onto other countries. This then allows us to collectively have a facade that we are nice, and a false sense at times that we are happy. We also then don’t turn on each other within America as readily as we probably would if the rest of the world weren’t being forced by us to continue to give us everything we want.

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There are ways I know that I don’t even want to be aware of what I do in my country-based injuries, so this blog is not to suggest that I am out of denial myself. I also cannot yet share about sincerely desiring to change this, or how you actually change it, as I am not at that stage yet either. However, I feel like I’m in a bit less denial about it than I was a year ago, and definitely less than I was when I was growing up in my family. So I thought the topic of denial, and how we as Americans within our families, marriages and with our friends and the collective, can easily support one another in that denial and facade, is an interesting thing to reflect on.

My current experiment is just to challenge myself to be more honest about the ways I am still in denial and facade about these emotions and motivations in myself, my family and in the USA. And, the truth about how much I want the addictions more than love, and where my desires are truly oriented towards. I am a person who loves to try to skip ahead to emotions farther down the line, usually while still being in facade, rather than continue to deconstruct the denial and facade layer. And so I hope that this focus will begin to start moving things in terms of the country-based injuries.

I’ll keep sharing periodically on these experiments, and for any other Americans I’d love to hear what you are going through or looking at in the same areas for yourselves.

 

Resources

In the last blog post I linked several DT videos where Jesus and Mary have talked about American country-based injuries, but I want to link some other videos that I was watching while thinking about these topics and that I really like.

By the way, if any of you are watching DT vids and find material embedded in longer videos that talks specifically about American or “first-world” country injuries, I would love to know about them so I can watch myself and post them in this series–you can email me on the contact page on this site with those if you’d like.

“Why do we feel happy on the ‘Natural Love’ path & sad when following ‘The Way’?” This video was one that I was thinking of regarding why Americans can seem happy and enthusiastic if we are actually sinning so much and not honoring God’s Laws, Love or Truth.

Divine Truth videos about denial

Divine Truth videos about facade

Also, I found a book called The Entitlement Cure by Dr. John Townsend, and both Perry and I are finding it really helpful–I recommend it.

Love,

Courtney

 

photo credits: Matt HowardLuke Stackpoole, freestocks.org, img.ly, Nick Dunlap

September Update: Pausing DT Volunteering

Hi Friends,

Some of you have messaged me wondering about how things are going in Australia and what I’ve been up to. Thanks for your interest in wanting to know what’s happening for me–it’s really nice. So I thought I’d write an update post now.

For the moment, I have paused my volunteering with Divine Truth and God’s Way.

There were various major issues of love and truth within myself highlighted to me in my 4.5 months volunteering and being involved (between March 2018 and July 2018). I’ve been very resistant to moving on these issues, and am often still choosing to sin in the same way even after being told about the various problems, including, but not limited to, the issues I mentioned in my most recent blog about country-based injuries.

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Jesus & Mary & Elo: recording in the DT studio

At the moment, the truth of where I am at right now–previously my facade would have insisted otherwise–is that I don’t really want to give and serve, want lots of selfish addictions met, and don’t have much interest in a relationship with God, and in most areas, I don’t want to do things God’s Way. You can probably see that it will be difficult to be a loving and effective volunteer for God’s Way or Divine Truth when these emotions and attitudes are still within me. And so, I will not be able to continue to volunteer until I can progress on some of these issues.

Jesus and Mary explained that the current issues which prevent me from being a good volunteer will take some time to address, and that it is important for me to take that time to properly feel about them without feeling time pressure, particularly since these issues are going to be some harder things for me to address than some of the things I’ve worked through so far since finding DT.

So, my goal now is to address the main issues that were highlighted to me which affect my being a productive, effective and loving volunteer, and afterwards to return to volunteering–and Australia–in the (hopefully near) future with more of a feeling of service, initiative, and a stronger feeling for God.

In the meantime, there are a lot of opportunities and situations where I can challenge many issues of love and truth, and feel through many emotions, such as within my business, finances, partner relationship, family interactions and more. I want to maximize the Law of Attraction opportunities that God will bring me during the next phase of my progression.

I want to write more about the feedback I received during this visit, and more about where my true condition is at, and how the whole experience was for me. However at the moment I am very much “in the thick of it”, looking at the issues, feeling about them, exploring what’s really within me emotionally, and why those issues are there. I also will need time to wrap my head around the whole experience during the months I was involved, which was a very significant experience of my life.

I want to be able to talk about the experience I’ve had with good clarity, and with more of God’s Perspective on it. I also want to share more about the injuries themselves after having some headway into facing them, and even making some progress on the causes of the issues.

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Naturally, I save my most impressive fashion statements for mulch-forking.

I want to share some public thanks: I want to thank Jesus and Mary for inviting me to Australia for this experience and coordinating a lot of details about the trip, and for their generous assistance personally to me: they have spent a great deal of time with me, assisting me to see my issues, and this has been a huge gift. I also want to thank Lena for hosting me in her home for almost all of my stay, and being one of the main people who trained me, and who gifted lots of time in both job training, and in personal assistance. Thank you also to Eloisa, who also gifted a great deal of her time training me in the studio, and to both Elo and Tristan, who spent countless hours in the huge effort of running the 9-week Volunteer Selection Project I participated in and who also helped me personally with feedback. Thanks also to Catherine for hosting me at her home for several weeks as well and for her help and guidance.

I always like wrapping up my blog posts here with DT material recommendations, so I would like to recommend videos about Truth, and about developing a love for Truth. For me right now, I’m going back to the fundamentals: the fundamentals I arrogantly thought I understood already, but actually am rather clueless about. Jesus and Mary’s material about Truth is hitting me in a different way now!

20170808-1210 Sonya Encourages a Longing for Truth

Resistance to Truth videos

Love & Truth Principles videos

 

Till next time!

Courtney

Facing American Country-Based Injuries: An Introduction

“America is the greatest country in the world.”  -Muhammad Ali

During this trip to Australia, one of the main sets of emotional injuries I have which have been highlighted to me by Jesus and Mary have to do with country-based injuries from being born and raised in America.

Here are some bits of feedback and truth I have received from Jesus about my country-based injuries and attitudes, which also apply to many other Americans, or in some cases, all other Americans as well:

  • A demand that other countries satisfy western countries’ demands.
  • People of western countries tend to believe they are superior.
  • Belief that America doesn’t have the problems that other countries have; we are less violent and more law-abiding (it actually only appears this way due to a collective facade).
  • The USA is a bully as a country and has a bullying mentality stemming from a sense of superiority.
  • This superiority is within every person in America.
  • We have had a feeling that our country is the best country in the world (which is not actually true).
  • We want our country to be responsible for our safety, security, welfare, food, clothing and more (we do not want to take personal responsibility for these things and most Americans believe they are far more personally responsible than they really are).
  • An attitude of “I want what I want”… and when I don’t get what I want, I will get angry.
  • On top of this, myself and many people in America have a problem with thinking we are in a better condition personally than we actually are, and an addiction to a facade that we don’t have lots of rage and expectation.
  • Many Americans, including myself, learn to cover over our issues with a facade of niceness that covers over a very dark, evil direction emotionally.
  • For many Americans, myself included, as soon as a bit of feedback is given, we pull back from the interaction to avoid any additional feedback which would challenge the facade and addictions.
  • Many Americans, myself included, use manipulative ways to avoid feedback.
  • The USA will not be a nice place to be should there be economic upheaval, earth change events or events regarding country-based revolution because everyone there has feelings they should always get their addictions met.

I decided to look around the magical, endless land of the interwebs as I was writing this. I came across an article which cites a poll of American citizens that concluded,

“A majority of the public (85%) says either that the United States ‘stands above all other countries in the world’ (29%) or that it is ‘one of the greatest countries, along with some others’ (56%).”

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Before coming to Australia this time, I hadn’t spent much time outside America with the exception of a couple of weeks or months here and there to other first-world countries. I did spend a day in a poor part of Mexico when I was a teenager and looking back, my American snobbery and superiority was in full swing within my head: “They live in those kinds of houses?” “Doesn’t anyone follow traffic laws here?” “I’m so glad I don’t live in this country.” In America I’ve been surrounded by everyone who pretty much has the same attitudes as I do, and so this is in part why I didn’t see how I act these injuries out all the time. After all, if every person in the USA has them and we all agree with each other, who will pull us up on them? (Ideally, God, if we wanted to hear the truth about it, which I personally don’t).

I would like to write a series of blogs on the issue of American country-based injuries over time as I hopefully work through my own. For this first blog, I have been unsure about which country-based injuries to start with. You see, if I am to share from personal experience, I could share anything from what it’s like to grow up in a military family with many members who been sent on missions overseas, right through to what it’s like to grow up with attitudes that you shouldn’t have to stand very long in a line to buy something at a store.

And so I have debated: discuss issues such as my family and many Americans’ attitudes towards military conquest in other countries? Or discuss how I expected to get lots of gifts for Christmas every year? But then I realize: these things are not unrelated. It is not an either/or scenario. In fact, the demands for gifts at Christmas may be part of the reason why we use military conquest to dominate and take from other countries. Perhaps the impatience of having to stand in a line reflects the same attitudes that cause America to disregard the welfare of poorer countries.

I am going to navigate writing about these issues the best I can with where I am currently at. And where I am at is not far into dealing with these problems. I don’t see how I act them out all the time and am often “surprised” when I am told, but this is because I don’t want to notice. I want what I want, and if I see what I’m doing from God’s Perspective, then I may not get what I want. My attitude at the moment is, No thank you God, you can take your conscience mechanism back with you out the door, thank you very much, I don’t want to know what I’m doing is wrong!

I also don’t feel how sinful it is to justify and act in these emotions. If I did, I might want to change them. However, at the moment I don’t care that much how my demands damage others and myself and often doubt whether they really even do: that’s how strong the rage of my entitlement is to getting these addictions. When push comes to shove, and I might have to forego something I really want in order to be loving in a situation, in my current condition I will not choose the loving option. Rather I will push aside, step on and drain from whomever I need to in order to get it anyway. In fact, I actually find those whom, through their own injuries, will give me what I want, and then manipulate them to get what I want, thereby exploiting others’ weaknesses in order to fulfill my addictions. And on top of this, I have a well-developed facade to pretend I don’t have these kinds of motivations.

I am only a tiny way out of full-fledged denial. I am still in denial, maybe just a smidgen less than I was six months ago. But maybe at some point I will decide to sincerely work through these problems, in which case maybe some of the things I learn in that process could assist other Americans to do the same.

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I thought to start, I’ll share a bit of background about my own life. If my understanding from Jesus is correct, it seems that the above bullet-pointed issues at the top of this blog are ones most or all Americans have to some extent. However, I want to be clear that my personal experience and resulting emotions are obviously not perfectly representative of all Americans. It is a diverse country with many residents who are significantly less “privileged” than I am, to use a common sociological term. After all, I am white, heterosexual, able-bodied, and grew up economically in the middle-class and within the most accepted religion in America. There are many Americans who have far less privilege than I do and their experiences growing up were far less privileged than mine were.

However, I also know that there are millions of people who did grow up very similar or somewhat similar to myself, where a similar set of attitudes was taught to them in childhood, and so my theory is that sharing truthfully about the emotions I am seeing in myself, and where they came from, may help others to examine their own as well.

I grew up in a quintessential, white Republican patriotic household: the kind which to those in other countries may sound straight out of an Hollywood movie, and yet is accurately representative of a very large percentage of families. My family was a military family who celebrated patriotic holidays–and all holidays for that matter–to their fullest commercial and festive capacity, drove a Jeep while listening to country music, my Dad owned a gun, we went to a tiny Methodist church every Sunday, and also regularly went to real church: watching American football on TV and the parties associated with it.

My dad was a fighter jet pilot in the Air Force military and retired only a few years ago as a colonel, a fairly high-ranking in the Air Force. My dad’s father before him was an engineer who worked for a company that developed military jets and otherwise contracted to engineer for the military. My dad’s family was Methodist Christian and devoutly religious. My mom came from a family who loved–nay, worshipped–the American military as well. Many of her family are in the military and she couldn’t have been prouder to be a military wife to my dad. She was also brought up very religious and extremely conservative.

Both my parents, in varying degrees and varying ways, were racist, homophobic, religiously discriminatory, and generally had superior attitudes. There is a lot I could talk about with regards to the attitudes they tried to teach me towards certain groups of people which included other Americans, but for this blog post, I’ll stick to the attitudes about America versus other countries.

My family would have readily admitted half the attitudes Jesus mentioned Americans feel in my bullet points above, and they’d have stated them proudly. We were the best country in the world. Everyone else wasn’t as good as us, that was just a fact. America did everything better. We have a better society, and pretty much, God just loves Americans more. I remember when I first realized that my family believed America won wars over other countries because God favored us to do so and was baffled at the logic. I didn’t get it. If God loved everyone like the reverend in our church said, why did he want some of us to kill others and certain ones to die and others to live? I used to lay awake at night as a kid feeling very upset after learning there was such a thing as war and that this was supposedly the normal way the world worked. We never really volunteered anywhere, were taught about charity of any kind or serving anyone in any way. It was all about us and what we could get from life.

Looking back, it is like I grew up thinking that the USA was the only country in the world, or certainly the only one that really mattered. I was never sat down by my parents and told about people who existed in other places in the world that lived differently to us. I only absorbed that there was a world outside America (and Europe, which my parents liked) through osmosis as a I got older.  It was as if other people than white Americans and Europeans were as inconsequential to our lives as a random insect native to Connecticut that I’d never heard of.

Americans’ status in the world, and our lifestyle, was considered the norm. How we lived is how it should be, what we deserved and how God intended us to live. My family had the attitude that many “right-wing”/conservative Americans had: the other people in the world should just start working harder if they wanted a better life like we had. We pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, and so should they. It’s not our fault their lives suck; maybe they should work harder and be smarter and adopt some of our ways of life and systems which clearly work wonders. There was no regard whatsoever as to why other countries were in a terrible position or what America was doing to them. A word was never once spoken about this in my family.

As an American you may relate with some of my experience, or you might not. You might not have grown up as ignorant as I did or had parents who loved the military, guns and patriotism. But what if we take a microscope to our typical lives and look at the day-to-day choices which reflect the country-based injuries I bullet-pointed at the beginning of the blog? What can these attitudes look like even for those who didn’t grow up in the specific kind of American family that I did?

Well, let’s look at issues of demand related to getting what we want, when we want it, in our daily lives. I’ll use myself as an example.

When I was little, I got gifts every Christmas and every birthday. My parents had us make lists of what we wanted and I was irked if I didn’t get the ones I wanted most. My brothers and I expected them. We went trick-or-treating on Halloween as most Americans do, which is pretty much repeatedly showing up to strangers’ houses and knocking on their door and expecting them to give you candy. We even got some gifts on Easter and Valentine’s Day. In fact I feel my family is still upset at me that I have stopped engaging in the expected gift exchange during holidays.

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My mom also did a lot of things for myself and my brothers. I didn’t have to do many chores except when my mom enforced outdoor manual work or cleaning as punishment on me. My brothers and I were not taught self-responsibility in a loving way. I feel my mom did most things for us because of a few key big injuries of her own, including one which created in my brothers and I huge expectations of others/life and a lack of responsibility: she endeavored to give us a far easier life than she had as a child living on a farm, as one of eight children, in a family far poorer than we were, and where she had to do a great deal more chores and duties than she ever asked us to do.

When I was little I observed demanding behavior in my parents: anger if they couldn’t buy what they wanted at a cheap price, frustration if the air-conditioning or heating in any situation wasn’t to their standard, upturned noses if a public bathroom wasn’t spotless, snide remarks under their breath as a waiter walked away if they took too long to bring the food out. At any suggestion we were privileged, my family defended: “Come on, we’re not rich! We have lived in homes with only one bathroom for the family of five! There are people with so much more than we have!” In fact, my parents have throughout their lives have carried a feeling that they’ve been hard done by and had resentment towards people with more assets and possessions than they have, or who they perceive have had it easier than they do, and this is also an attitude I have taken on.

When I first got feedback here in Australia about my American attitudes, I thought, hold on now! I have never had much money, I shop at thrift stores, I’ve owned one car in my life which I still have and it’s 20 years old and lots of its paint is peeled off. I’ve lived in tiny places and try to stretch out my haircuts as long as possible. And yet, I can see that my standards of what I should get, what is normal and reasonable to “need” from life, are extremely luxurious compared to what most people in the world have, though they are standards most Americans would also agree are reasonable as a baseline.

When I’ve noticed my American attitudes coming out, even here in Australia, I have nervously laughed to myself at certain times–or felt completely justified at other times. While Australia is still a first-world country, people are more self-sufficient and less addictions are met living in rural Australia. Some examples of my actual thoughts in certain situations:

As my friend Lena will tell you, when I went to the Australian grocery stores and they didn’t sell chipotle, I couldn’t believe it. In fact I can’t believe they don’t have 4 kinds of chipotle to choose from. I mean, who doesn’t stock chipotle? Isn’t that BASIC?

I order things online sometimes and I can’t believe there isn’t much free shipping. I mean, come on. Who pays for shipping anymore? Paying for shipping is so 1995.

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Internet data is limited here. It had never occurred to me anyone in the world who had internet access (something I also consider a reasonable demand for anyone with a heartbeat) would ever have limits on the usage. You mean I can’t stream YouTube at 1080p while downloading a movie for later while video-Skyping my boyfriend? You mean unless I pay and arm and a leg, these things pretty much have to go out the window? How will I live? What is there to live for?

I’ve gotten somewhat used to using buckets and similar receptacles for human waste, my own and others, emptying them, burying the contents and cleaning the receptacles. If I had been told 5 years ago I’d have to do that, I’d have sooner sold my firstborn to the circus than consider such a lowly experience.

I imagine all it would take to trigger the average American into an emotional meltdown in a Volunteer Selection Project at a Learning Center would be to, for an extended period of time:

-Have no modern plumbing

-Have no home heating and cooling systems

-Have no access to any kind of internet nor roaming data access, nor television services

-Remove coffee & caffeine

I reckon at this point few of us would last very long without having some kind of emotional meltdown, much less adding to that situation work like cleaning homes, outdoor manual labor in the heat or cold and personal feedback to the mix.

I jest, because occasionally I find the issues a bit funny, but in all seriousness, these issues are widespread and our demands have far more implications globally that we imagine or than I personally yet understand. I am only slowly realizing the influence that the American demands for comfort, convenience, safety and security have on the rest of the world. While I grew up with an attitude that we were the best country, I never really realized how much many people in other countries aspire to be like us and to have the same addictions that we can readily fulfill. The sad thing is that many of these other countries, by aspiring to be like us, will actually be aspiring to darken their soul condition down to the collectively low soul condition of America.

When we justify and agree with each other in our demands and addictions, and then continue to act in them, we are assisting the rest of the world as well as ourselves to degrade in condition. America is the biggest bully of the world and at some point we are going to have to accept that and examine in what ways we each contribute to that. Many Americans, including myself, like to put all the blame on our politicians (particularly the other political party from whichever one we lean towards), religious leaders, or the super-rich of the country, but we need start looking at our own personal entitlement, greed and narcissism as individuals.

When you go to another place with less self-absorption and expectation, you find that these country-based injuries actually affect every day, practical interactions with others and decisions that need to be made. Country-based attitudes are not some nebulous, indeterminate set of injuries with unclear consequences and which we can easily dismiss. These emotions of demand, expectation and superiority play out daily and are actually some of the main issues degrading our individual and collective condition, and I’d guess in many cases even more than many other issues that as individuals we may want to think are our biggest issues personally.

I am pondering the idea that country-based injuries are childhood injuries and they have personal, deep pain associated with them; country-based injuries are not impersonal. They are not attitudes we can change just by watching documentaries about less privileged people in the world or buying fair-trade chocolate. My understanding is we will have to examine what emotions have been passed down to us from our parents, families, school teachers and others in our childhood and find the personal pain that must be associated with those emotional injuries, and go through an emotional process to shift things within ourselves.

Growing up, I saw some of the attitudes and emotions that my conservative, right-wing family had and I rebelled to some extent against them. As a teenager I got involved in human relations organizations dedicated to addressing discrimination and bias, in my adult life I’ve signed oodles of petitions against discrimination of many kinds, rejected organized religion, have gotten caught up in American politics and ended up adopting most of the polar-opposite political viewpoints of my family, and felt extremely triggered by political and religious figures in America that reminded me of my parents. I’ve wanted desperately to be nothing like my family and to reject the superiority, narcissism, and entitlement I saw in them.

And yet, I must come to terms with the fact that I still have a lot of these same issues myself. While I have rejected the extreme forms of superiority that my family justify proudly, I have to face that I am still left with many extreme addictions based on growing up in America. I feel entitled to things that I think I need but don’t actually need, I have a demand for others/the government/the world to make things easier and less scary for me, a lack of personal responsibility, a far bigger desire to take from the world than to give to it, a willingness to exploit others’ injuries to get what I want, and more. It is inevitable I will have these attitudes, and that I will in many ways be the same as my parents and the people in my childhood, because after all, they created my injuries.

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I’ve also had a facade about being one of the “nice, reasonable Americans”. I like to tell myself I care about other countries and am informed about what’s happening in the world, and that I share nothing in common with what I consider the extremists in our country (who are a lot like my family). And yet, the idea that in actuality the soul condition of America is collectively quite dark, and that the collective evil in Americans is also within me at the moment, is something I don’t like to face. I find myself wanting to defend America and myself as being nicer than that, and yet continuing the way I am now will be the road into hell, even not withstanding any of my other unloving desires or poor attitudes that aren’t from country-based injuries.

Sometimes I still want to be in denial. “America can’t be that bad! It’s just our politicians and religious leaders that are the problem! It’s a great place, after all we’ve invented this thing, and we have that brilliant organization, and we do this good thing in the world! I love America! Don’t take my America away from me! We are very nice people who are responsible and well-rounded and law-abiding and just, well, great! And look at me, I’ve changed, I’m not like my family! I’m not superior and demanding!”

And I don’t know, maybe Americans do have some good qualities and attitudes and not all our achievements are off the backs of others; it’s a bit hard for me to tell right now where the line truly is in what we can really take credit for achieving through loving means.

But now in facing the idea of giving up my entitlement for everyday things to be easy and to revolve around what works for me, I often get really angry. “I shouldn’t have to change this! F*** anyone who tells me I should be happy to use a bucket for human waste, suggests I should learn to fix a car myself or thinks it’s reasonable to ask me to go through a summer over 100 F with no air conditioning! People should understand my plight! Woe is me! They should make it easier for me! WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LOVE ME IN THIS SITUATION?” I am literally like a spoiled 3-year old having a tantrum.

I also thought I was sick of America, particularly with the political drama of recent years. But if I’m honest, facing the idea that I will have to give up the demand for these everyday addictions in order to grow in love feels like a breakup. America feels like a person to me sometimes now, one I’ve been in a relationship with for 31 years and who I thought was really quite awesome. I thought we were close, I thought we were doing great things together in the world, I thought it was love and we’d reached the epitome of an awesome relationship that surely anyone would aspire to if their eyes and brain worked properly. And then someone comes along and tells me this relationship is actually a toxic one, and that we are destroying ourselves and others in the way we are living together.

It feels like a loss to consider giving these addictions up, like something precious, that I love, and that is vital for my happiness is being taken away from me. And I’m angry about it. I feel like I’m being jilted and love is being withdrawn (what I consider love to be). I know it may sound silly, but it’s how the idea makes me feel. I am told that when we give up addictions or come down from superiority, it can feel like a loss, even though God’s Truth is that we are not in actuality losing anything at all. I am told that in the end, giving up addictions always results in more happiness, and that retaining them creates more pain. God’s Perspective on these things, it seems, is extremely different from mine.

Sometimes I wonder, what if a lot of my pain is actually because of these issues? Maybe I have always felt lonely and isolated in part because I was taught addictions and worldviews that set me up for certain disconnection from my brothers and sisters in the world, and therefore, also from God. Maybe there is actually deep pain in feeling and acting entitled and there is suffering for me at the core of getting what I want, when I want it, how I want it.

I haven’t been to many places that aren’t first-world countries, but when I’ve seen photos or videos of those far less privileged than myself in the world, through my injured perspective I have wondered how in the world they could possibly be happy. I’ve seen photos of children with splitting shoes in front of shanty houses with a bigger grin on their faces than I have likely ever genuinely reflected in my life, or women cooking on dirt floors with their single pot and they seem more at peace than I’ve felt. I’ve thought, how could they be happy without all the comforts and things that I have? What are they excited about? It has utterly perplexed me; they have almost seemed like extraterrestrials to me. And yet, it makes me wonder how the soul actually works, and under what conditions feelings of joy, connection, and love are possible.

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Though I’d heard Jesus discuss country-based attitudes and the emotions of those first-world countries, it never felt to me like whatever American attitudes I might have absorbed would hold nearly as much importance, or personal pain, as say, feelings I have as a result of having been hit by my dad in my childhood. And yet the more I ponder it, the more the former seems as potentially pain-inducing and soul-damaging as the latter. After all, how can we minimize the effects of parents brainwashing their children in a way that disconnect their hearts and souls from the Soul and Love of God and of other people in favor of addictions masquerading as love?

Jesus said to me recently that every person in the USA will have to go through the process of challenging the facade of niceness, but Jesus has yet to meet anyone from the USA who is sincerely going through the process of coming face-to-face with their facade and how it affects their lives, others and themselves.

I haven’t yet decided to be one of the Americans to start doing this. Right now I pretty much just want the addictions despite the cost to myself and others, and I am very angry. But it’s something I’m thinking about personally and these are issues that hundreds of millions of people in the USA have, and which I’ve gotten some very interesting truth about from Jesus and Mary, and so I thought I’d share some of the truths I’ve been gifted with you. If we can shift as Americans, maybe we can cease being the chief destroyer of the world and the people in it as we are now, and our change in attitude, behavior and our repentance could be beneficial for the world instead.

Here are some Divine Truth videos I recommend to look at these issues. I will come back and add to this list over time as I find snippets mentioning issues in America or first-world countries generally.

20120218 General Discussion – Blocks To Spiritual Progression In The USA

20161108-1350 Governance Principles: In this video the question is asked, “If Governance Principles ensure restriction of those in lower development, why do evil people seem to be in power on Earth?” and a discussion relevant to America ensues. I have embedded the link directly to this question.

20161122-1510 Responsibility Principles: In this video I ask Jesus, “Why do humans often give societal power and authority to people who are not self responsible or developed in love?” and a discussion relevant to America ensues. I have embedded the link directly to this question.

20150930-1400 Judgement Towards Others (Selina Mytting): This video contains relevant reflections for many in first-world countries.

All Forgiveness & Repentance videos, which highlight how not forgiving and repenting personally contributes to country-based, societal and global pain.

Till next time,

Courtney

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photo & gif credit to unsplash.com, pixabay.com & giphy.com

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